Lois: Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself, there must be a hundreds of pictures of you in here. [combs through photographs] Well, here is poor, neglected Dewey having great time at SeaWorld.
Dewey: It's so blurry, you can't even tell that's me.
Hal: Well, you can't prove it's not.
Lois: Dewey, at least we got you a memory book. That's more than we've done for Jamie.
Dewey: And I suppose that makes you feel pretty good about yourselves.
Lois: You want to know the truth? You were the fourth child. By the time you came along, this house was in a state of complete chaos. The only sleep I got was when I'd nod off on the drive to work. So forgive us if we didn't get a chance to take every picture, every video, or get you every vaccination.
Dewey: I wasn't vaccinated?!
Lois: Tell you what, Dewey. You get whooping cough, I promise I'll take a ton of pictures.

Malcolm: [over microphone] Can I have your attention, everybody? I just thought you people should know that while you're up here enjoying what you have deluded yourselves into thinking is the greatest night of your lives, the people who you've excluded from this charade are downstairs right now, having a party that obliterates yours. You think you're on the inside, but you're on the outside. How does that make you feel? [chuckles] [silence]
[As "I Feel Good" by James Brown plays, the students dance]

Hal: Why do we have to haul all this stuff in here when we have no intention of giving him a party?
Lois: We have to humor him until he reveals himself. This has got to be the place. [Dewey rides around on a small carousel] There you are! You are in so much trouble, young man!
Hal: I want my wallet now.
Dewey: Here.
Hal: At least we got here before you spent all my cash.
Dewey: It cost so much to keep this place open after hours, I had to put that on your credit card.
Lois: Okay, Mr. Smart Guy. Now you can help us load all this stuff back in the car. I know you think you're having a party, but you can forget about it.
Dewey: This isn't for me. It's too late for my childhood, but it's not too late for his.
Lois: Jamie?
Dewey: Here's a camera. So now you have no excuse for not documenting every important event in Jamie's life. Starting tonight with his party.
Hal: This is a really nice camera. How could you afford- Right.

Malcolm: Man, I hate finals. I was up all night studying.
Reese: Not me, I slept like a baby.
Malcolm: What are you doing?
[Reese glues two small pieces of paper to the lenses of his sunglasses]
Reese: Just making sure I know the answers for my history test today. There's more than one way to be a genius, Malcolm. [walks away] [crashing sound]

Lois: Hey, Dewey, what have you got there?
Dewey: Oh, I have to do an autobiography for my English class, and my teacher wants me to include a few pictures from my early childhood.
Hal: Well, it looks like you have a lot to choose from.
Dewey: Yeah. You guys really did a great job with Francis. And Reese. And Malcolm. Now why don't we take a look at a few of my precious memories.
[Dewey flicks through a blank photo album]
Hal: Ah, spider. There. Now we have that memory.

Hal: You know, I felt pretty bad after our little conversation the other day. So I did a little poking around the garage myself, and you'll never guess what I found. Dewey's artwork. Kindergarten, first grade. Oh, look, art camp. It's all here.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad, I don't know what to say. Wait a minute, here's a drawing I did of Grandma.
Hal: And it's beautiful. You did a really nice job with her whiskey bottle.
Dewey: I also have her missing a leg. Interesting, since she didn't lose it until last year.
Hal: Dewey, if you're trying to tell me that you can predict the future...
Dewey: So you're neglectful, and you think I'm an idiot. That's nice.
Hal: I spent over an hour on this rainbow, Dewey! You're not an easy boy to love, you know!

Hal: Lois, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a naked man in your house!
Lois: [o.s.] What took you so long? The boys left for the prom a half hour ago.
Hal: Yeah, I know, I got a flat tire on my way to Jamie's babysitter. I had to drive back on the rim. There were a lot of sparks, but I don't think anything caught fire. The main thing is that you and I have... [screams] Dewey! What are you doing here?
Dewey: I live here.
Hal: Honey, Dewey's here!
Lois: [o.s.] What's he doing here?
Hal: Don't you have a prom to go to?
Dewey: I'm not in high school.
Hal: He says he's not in high school!
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, for God sakes, Hal, we're just going to have to take a raincheck.
Hal: No! [to Dewey] Okay, look, I'm very sorry, but you got to get out of here.
Dewey: What? But I'm researching a history report online.
Hal: If it's money you want, you got it. [grabs wallet] Here, you ought to be able to have a good time with that.
You can go to a movie, grab a burger. Hey, the Hyatt has a piano bar.
Dewey: But I don't have any shoes.
Hal: Buy some! I love you, son. Hey, listen, maybe we'll go to the zoo sometime, huh? Just you and me! [closes door]

Hal: I just have to come out and say it. I was incredible, and you were no slouch yourself.
Lois: I'm the lucky one, Hal. All I had to do was show up.
Hal: Did you hear the phone ring?
Lois: Hal, I couldn't have heard the space shuttle land.
Dewey: [on answer machine] Hi, this is Dewey. Remember me? Your fourth son? Nah, I don't expect you to miss me, but at some point, Dad, you may miss the wallet you threw at me.
Lois: You gave him your wallet?!
Dewey: So here's the deal: If you'd like to see all your money and credit cards again...
Hal: Wait a minute. That bell ringing in the background. I know I've heard that before! [rewinds tape]
Dewey: [on tape] So here's the deal: If you'd like to see all your...
Hal: That is Saint Matthew's. No, wait. Saint Luke's on Third. It's definitely a Lutheran bell. [rewinds tape]
Dewey: [on tape] If you'd like to see your all your money and credit cards again, meet me where they're building the new library, at the corner of Washington and Olive.
Hal: Ah! That's it!

Lois: Now, remember, we only have to be nice to him until he gets close enough to the van to grab him.

Jeanie: You're a really good dancer.
Reese: When I'm with you, it doesn't even feel like we're dancing. It's like we're floating.
Jeanie: I misjudged you, Reese. I just chose you because you weren't completely hideous, and I knew you wouldn't have a date. But you're so much more than that. You've made me feel wonderful.
Reese: It's been a really great night for me, too. You helped me find a little part of me that I didn't even know was there, the part that isn't a gigantic jackass.
Jeanie: You know... I wasn't planning on the night ending this way, but why don't we get out of here, grab a blanket and a bottle of wine and go to the beach.
Reese: You mean it?
Jeanie: Yes, Reese. I really want you. [Reese kisses Jeanie and then checks his watch]
Reese: Oh, wow. It's 12:00 already? Too bad, I was having fun. Well, see you at school.
Jeanie: Reese, where are you going?
Reese: It's midnight. I'm off the clock.
Jeanie: But what about us? And all those things you said?
Reese: Well, if I want to make a career out of this, I've gotta satisfy my customers. And I think I did. Tell your friends.