Stevie: This is it. You're almost... up.
Malcolm: Stop reminding me.
Stevie: Nervous?
Malcolm: No, I just don't want to do this. Don't you ever get sick of being a Krelboyne? Of people thinking you're some kind of freak?
Stevie: You are... what you are. Accept it.
Malcolm: Not without a fight.
Stevie: You're harshing... my buzz. Don't let... anyone... mess with... my stuff.

Malcolm: [to camera] You know, in the wrong hands, these chemicals can make a pretty powerful stink bomb. These hands look wrong enough.

Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, the difference between a stink bomb and a level-three toxic biohazard is apparently two extra drops of sulfur tetroxide. I'm totally suing that web site.

Malcolm: Was it as bad as I think it was?
Stevie: Man, you killed.
Malcolm: That's what I was afraid of. Sorry you didn't get to do your act.
Stevie: Shove... the sympathy... showboat.

Dewey: Is Malcolm a robot?
Hal: No, son, he's just smart. Very, very, very, very, very, very smart.
Francis: Hey, Malcolm how many fingers am I holding up? [everyone laughs]
Malcolm: Shut up.
Reese: Analyze what I had for lunch. [burps]
Malcolm: Get off me, you moron.
Lois: You know what I don't understand? You rattle off those numbers but you can't remember to brush your teeth.
Hal: Hey, who's for Burger Barn? [cheering] Burger Barn! Burger Barn! Burger Barn!

Dabney: My soy burger... it's bleeding!
Lloyd: This is meat! We're eating meat!
Dabney: Oh, my God! We're eating meat!
[As the Krelboyne kids all scream and retch, Hal takes off his apron and backs away from the grill]

Lois: It'll be nice to meet the other parents. I'm sure they're better than the carnival freaks in Reese's class. What a horrible bunch of people.
Hal: Amen to that.

Caroline: Welcome! Welcome, one and all! Run away with us and join the circus! The academic circus!
Malcolm: Oh, no. My teacher.
Caroline: Malcolm, thank goodness. I was so nervous. I had a dream you didn't come, and I was being chased by something big but invisible and- Never mind. You're here, and that's all that matters. [to Dewey] Hello, little guy. Ready to leave your family and join the circus?
[Dewey wraps his arms around his father's leg]
Hal: Oh. Little lower, son.

Lois: Hope everybody likes brownies.
Dorene: Oh, my, that is so thoughtful. Are those nuts?
Lois: Walnuts.
Dorene: Oh, gee. We can't have that. Some of the children are severely allergic to nuts.
Lois: Oh, my gosh, I had no idea. Whose child is allergic?
Dorene: Well, no one in this class specifically, but you can never be too careful. [empties tray into the trash] Believe me, this isn't meant to publicly humiliate you. I'm sure they were delicious.

Malcolm: Oh, hi, fellas.
Dave: Hey, there. What's your pleasure-- nature dog, health patty, tofu square?
Hal: Good God.
Dave: Want me to brown that chicken leg a little more for you? [sprays tofu square]
Hal: Well... looks like I got here just in time. Gentlemen... behold. [opens chiller]
Dave: Is that meat?
Hal: Nothing but.