Francis: When I was cheering encouragement at you, did it ever make you feel scared or angry?
Dewey: What? No.
Francis: Good. And when you lost at candy tag, did it make you feel bad and want to hurt yourself?
Dewey: What do you talking about Francis? These questions are weird.
Francis: I'm just try understand better, Dewey. I mean, I don't know all the right questions ask kids like you.
Dewey: What do you mean, "kids like me"?
Francis: Well, you're in that class. And this is a special camp for children with your... needs.
Dewey: I'm not emotionally disturbed! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Francis: There's nothing wrong with either of us.
Dewey: I'm not in that class because I'm disturbed! I'm in that class so I can help... You're a jerk!
Francis: Okay, my games obviously have too much sugar.

Dewey: We gotta get out of here. Let's go call the police.
Francis: You're just gonna bail?
Dewey: You don't understand these kids. If I fix this problem, there's going to be a hundred more. It never stops with them!
Francis: Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help. Look, I don't know much, but I do know two things. These kids need your help, you gotta do it. And even though I've never met him, that guy is a total dink.

[Dewey removes the tape from Principal Jeffers' mouth]
Dewey: Wow. I thought when I decided to help, something would come to me, but I'm completely blank.
Principal Jeffers: You're all going to jail. If you untie me in the next five seconds, you and you alone will see some slight leniency.
Chad: Hey, lanyards belong in the lanyard box.
Francis: What?
Chad: That's my lanyard. I made it. Mr. Flerch is going to flip out if you don't put it back in the lanyard box.
Francis: You couldn't have made this. I bought it at a truck stop 200 mile from here.
Dewey: Can I see that, Francis? [to Principal Jeffers] Can you think of any connection between the thousands of lanyards that were made by the emotionally disturbed children at your school, and this one my brother found for sale at a retail outlet? Mr. Jeffers, I would be horrified to think that a public school principal would use innocent children as slave labor.
Principal Jeffers: I don't know what you're talking about, young man.
Mr. Flerch: It was all his idea! I'm just his obedient stooge! He dangled Assistant Vice Principal in front of me! [wails] It came with parking!
Dewey: I wonder who would get the worst penalty. A bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tied people up for a little while or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery? We could ask a judge, or everyone could just keep quiet about everything.
Francis: Sound okay to you guys?
Janitor: That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys [looks at Mr. Flerch and Principal Jeffers] before you untie them?

Principal Jeffers: Hello, class.
Mr. Flerch: Hello, Principal Jeffers. You've come at a very exciting time. We're about to open a new box of key clips.
Principal Jeffers: And how are we all today, students?
Dewey: I know no one gives a crap about the kids in this class, but could you get us some books so we could actually learn something? The only thing we've done here for the last ten weeks is make lanyards!
Principal Jeffers: You know what subject I hated most when I was a kid? Math.

Hansen: Dewey, I need you to re-sort my pills again.
Dewey: I just finished sorting them. It took me a half hour.
Hansen: I know. But then I unsorted them so I could see if I could sort them by myself. I can't.
Dewey: All right. Just don't touch them anymore. I'll do it with you after school.
Penelope: Dewey, I need your help after school.
Dewey: I'm already helping Hansen.
Piama: But I need you! The sidewalks told me they wouldn't let me walk home anymore. Can you?
Dewey: Okay, just wait till I'm done, then I'll walk you home. But, seriously, you guys have to start trying to do a little more for yourselves.
Chad: Oh, that reminds me. My uncle died, and my parents were wondering if you'd explain death to me.

Malcolm: [enters] Hey, Dad.
Hal: What? Wait. You think patriotism is a joke?! Representative government is an outdated sham?! I can't believe my ears!
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Lois: What did he say?
Hal: I can't even repeat it. I'm sorry, Lois, but the chimney will just have to wait. I'm taking Malcolm to the neighborhood association meeting. Let's hope seeing democracy in action will give our little cynic a wake-up call.

Hal: Excuse me. We're here for the homeowners meeting.
Jim: Oh, my God! Really? [chuckles] Oh, that's fantastic! Jim Phipps. I'm the association's attorney.
Hal: So where is everyone?
Jim: Well, I kind of am everyone. No one's ever shown up for a homeowners meeting in 20 years.
Hal: You're kidding. Not one person?
Jim: Not one, not one. I send out 150 flyers every year, exactly as mandated by the developer, but nobody ever comes. I've tried different fonts, I've upgraded the doughnuts, but people just don't seem to be interested.
Malcolm: So, every year, you rent a room, and hold a meeting for nobody?
Jim: Oh, absolutely. My contract with the developer is very clear. In exchange for a $2,000 annual retainer, I'm to conduct annual meetings, take the minutes, and manage the association's financial interests.
Hal: Financial interest?
Jim: Well, actually, there aren't any. I didn't mean to come off so self-important. Only the homeowners can decide where the money goes, so I've just been putting the dues in a savings account. The bank gave me a toaster in 1987. I never even opened the box.
Malcolm: [to camera] So, 150 homes paying 23 bucks over 20 years, passbook interest, minus the retainer... Oh, my God! If my math is right, he's sitting on at least $83,000! Who am I kidding? Of course my math is right.

Jim: You know, it sure would be nice to have someone finally take charge of this thing. Would you ever consider being president of the neighborhood association?
Hal: I don't think so. It sounds like work.
Malcolm: Dad, what are you talking about? Of course you want to be president! This is your chance to really do something for the community.
Hal: I don't think-
Malcolm: You can't turn this down. You've always told me that a real citizen is willing to make sacrifices for the greater good.
Hal: This doesn't sound like-
Malcolm: And I took those words to heart! They inspired me. And now I have a chance to see my own dad show me what democracy is all about. You can't deny me that.
Hal: Well-
Malcolm: It's not just for me. It's for our family, our block, the whole neighborhood! Think of all the people you could help. The world is waiting for you to make it a better place!
Hal: Well... Okay. I'll do it.
Jim: Finally! This is exactly the reason I went into zoning law.

Francis: Where's Dewey? When I was his age, I was out of school hours ago. Doing independent study at the library... not smoking.
Lois: So, it's exciting about the job.
Francis: Yeah. It's been a long hunt, but it finally paid off.
Lois: Don't you have to have some kind of degree or something to work with children?
Francis: You never think anything I ever do is good enough! I happened to do very well at that interview. All I have to do now is just show them that I can put together a good program for the summer.
Lois: So you don't have the job.
Francis: I have the job! What don't you understand about that?!
Lois: I don't know. It just sounds like the real estate thing all over again.
Francis: Why can't you just have faith in me for once?! Gin. Want to play again?
Lois: Sure. You know who's hiring?
Francis: I have a job!

Lois: "President, comma, Newcastle Adjacent Neighborhood Association." Hal, that is so fancy.
Hal: Feel the little duck. That's embossed.
Lois: Wow.