Ida: These are sex organs of four different animals.
Reese: And a little oregano.
Ida: Reese, I've watched you grow all these years. You are the one hope for this family. I just pray you are ready to become a man. [slaps Reese]
Reese: Hey, what was that for?
Ida: You are ready.

Lois: Dewey, slow down.
Dewey: No, we have to get to Gate Seven or we'll miss our connecting flight.
Lois: Ooh. Cinnabons!
Dewey: No! No Cinnabons, no pretzels, no frozen yogurt. You can raid the mini-bar when we get to the hotel.
Lois: Do I have your permission to go to the bathroom?
Dewey: No. If you go to the other side of the partition, then we'll all have to go through security again. Dad, you tell her. Dad?
[Dewey and Lois look through the partition to see Hal in the gift shop holding a snow globe:]
Hal: Ooh, it's Paris. It's even more beautiful than I imagined!

Ida: And once you are a man, you shall get this.
Reese: The whole plate of potatoes?
Ida: You will take Raduca for your bride.
Reese: You mean... Like I marry her? Now?
Ida: That is why I brought Raduca to this country.
Malcolm: You brought her here six months ago. She's been working as your slave.
Ida: I should get something for my trouble.
Malcolm: Grandma, you can't take two teenagers who've never met each other and force them into some sham marriage. That's not the way things work in civilized countries.
Reese: If I get a wife, does that mean I get to have sex?
Ida: So much sex you won't believe it. [Raduca nods]
Reese: I'm in.

Hal: Okay, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
Dewey: So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight.
Hal: You should have seen what happened the first time I touched 'em.

Ida: Two boys enter, one man emerges. You must beat him at every contest or there will be no bride for you.
Reese: I really appreciate you doing this for me.
Malcolm: Listen, moron, I'm not doing this to help you get married. I'm gonna try to win to keep you from flushing your life down the toilet.
Ida: We begin with the Trial of Pain. Raduca, the strings.
[Raduca whimpers as Ida takes a piece of string and ties one end to Reese's ear and the other to Malcolm's]
Ida: This trial teaches an important lesson. Until you can ignore your own pain, you cannot truly ignore the pain of others. The first one to take two steps backwards is the victor.
Reese: I don't get why this is supposed to hurt so much.
Ida: Go. [Reese and Malcolm scream]
Malcolm: [to camera] I didn't think anything above my waist could be so sensitive.
Reese: Why don't you want me to be happy?!
Malcolm: I'm only doing this because I love you!
Reese: Must take mind off ear pain! [pokes eye and steps back]
Ida: The victor!
Reese: [with bloodshot eye and bloody ear] That was so easy!

Ida: You are now one step closer to your manhood. The next trial takes place within the Sack of Fellowship. Once inside the sack you will face a choice: To work together or to fight each other. If you work together, you'll both lose.
Reese: So now what happens?
Malcolm: I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out why there's a dog in here.
Reese: Grandma, what are we supposed to do?
Ida: Just get out.
Reese: That's it?
Ida: That's it. [drops a cat into the sack and closes it]

Hal: How's it going, sport?
Dewey: Fantastic. I've been practicing for hours. Of course, I'm screwed if we have to play on real pianos.
Hal: Ah, buck up, son. We're all sacrificing.
Dewey: Why are your nails shiny?
Hal: No reason.
Dewey: Can I at least have a dollar for the soda machine?
Hal: Nope. All gone to the great tip fairy. Boy, these chairs are hard.

[Dewey tries to reach into Lois's purse as she sleeps:]
Lois: Stop, thief!
Dewey: I'm sorry! You crushed my fingers.
Lois: I didn't mean to. Let me see.
Dewey: Look what you did to me.
Hal: Keep the fingers elevated, Dewey, and don't worry. I know where I can find some Evian ice.

Reese: Cool! Grandma's got props for the next one.
Malcolm: I'm done, Reese. I'm not going through any more of these trials.
Reese: What's the matter? I thought we were finally doing something as a family.
Malcolm: If you want to let that crazy old bat ruin your life, fine. Knock yourself out.
Reese: How is she ruining my life? She's getting me a bride. A female bride. I mean, what are the odds that a girl is ever going to want me?
Malcolm: You can get a girl, Reese. If you just didn't act like a vicious, stupid thug all the time.
Reese: Come on, Malcolm, let's be realistic.

Reese: [to Raduca] I promise to always love and respect you. As long as you stay in a 20-pound weight range.