Ted Quote #995
Ted: Well, uh, I have some good news. As you all know, I recently decided to get back out there and start dating again. And, uh, well...
[flashback to Ted at a news stand near a woman who's reading the magazine with his face on the cover:]
Woman: Is this you?
Ted: Uh, yeah. Hi. I'm Ted.
Lily: That's great, Ted.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment of pure destiny. The kind you just can't manufacture. Or so I thought.
[a series of flashbacks to Ted at the news stand holding the magazine:]
Ted: Oh, no. How did I get on there? Hi. Ted Mosby.
Ted: Guilty. Hi. Ted Mosby.
Ted: That is embarrassing. I should be on the cover of Egg On My Face magazine. But I'm not. I'm on the cover of this one. Hi. Ted Mosby.
Ted: 16 moments of pure destiny in one day, and of those 16, ten were single. Of those ten, seven liked what they saw. Of those seven, four were women. Of those four, two gave me their real number. And I have a date with both of them.
Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Barney continued listing every lie he'd ever told to get laid.
Barney: There's no time to explain how I got bit there. I just need someone to suck the poison out. [cut] The surgeons gave me a new face, honey. Aren't you relieved I'm alive? Me llamo David Beckham. [cut, foreign accent]: If I were only casting The White Swan the role would be yours. [cut, deep voice] No, I am a lesbian. This thing that I'm wearing is just really lifelike.
Nora: Okay, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The creme de la creepy?
Barney: Uh... Oh, I once pulled The Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys...
[An African-American woman sitting in the booth behind Barney turns around:]
Carol: Barnell! Ooh, I knew it!
Quote from Barney
Lily: What happened to your leg?
Barney: Oh, nothing. I'm meeting Nora for coffee. She's still mad at me, so I need some sympathy points. She likes musicals, so I'm going to tell her I fell off the stage during a performance of Man of La Mancha. What do you think?
Ted: Lose the cast.
Barney: A one-man show, I like it!
Lily: Just so we're clear, this woman is mad at you because you lied to her. So your solution is to pretend you broke your leg?
Barney: You're right. A neck brace. Thanks, Lil. Man, I wish I'd have talked to you sooner. I've been practicing with these crutches all day and whoever left them in my lobby probably really needs 'em.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: [answers phone in a British accent] Hello.
Garrison Cootes: Marshall, this is Garrison Cootes. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I've just been swamped. [laughing] Which is funny, 'cause I'm literally standing in a swamp.
Marshall: [nervous chuckle]
Garrison Cootes: Anyway, I'm just out here, I'm just collecting some samples for this pollution case we're working on.
Marshall: I love the work you guys do.
Garrison Cootes: That's a croc...
Marshall: No, I mean it.
Garrison Cootes: No, no, there's a crocodile about five feet away from me. So I'm just going to ignore the hot urine filling my waders as we speak, and tell you that we're very interested.
Marshall: [whispers] He's interested.
Garrison Cootes: Obviously we have to do some sort of credit check, you know, a criminal record and Google search, but as long as nothing unseemly turns up, you're good to go, man.
Marshall: That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!
Garrison Cootes: Well, I gotta run. [laughing] This is so funny, because, actually, I physically have to run now.
Marshall: Croc saw you?
Garrison Cootes: He's advancing, yeah.