Future Ted: [v.o.] And so I made up my mind to settle for Cassie.
Ted: So, um, what kind of music do you like?
Cassie: Hmm... nothing.
Future Ted: Still, I felt optimistic. After all, Cassie was cute and single and heck, it's not like the universe was telling us we shouldn't be together.
[Cassie trips on a children's toy car and falls down the stairs]

Loretta: What do you think, Lily?
Lily: Oh, my God, they are so delicious. Even more delicious than finding out Barney peed himself at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia. I'm sorry, Robin.

Marshall: Clint, what are you doing here?
Clint: What the Ohio State Board of Holistic Medicine has repeatedly told me I'm in no way qualified to do: my job. When I see a conflict needs resolving, I must act. Plus, Ted's mom wanted me out of the house. So, today, we're gonna build a new paradigm of understanding, and then you're gonna swoop me on back to Shaker Heights. Oh, I need to stop at Record Rev on Coventry. My vaporizer's ready.
Daphne: Marshall, pull over and dump this hippie on the side of the road.
Marshall: I can't do that.
Clint: [plays guitar and sings] Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna resolve some conflicts
Daphne: Daphne picks the music.
Clint: Gonna end this argument Between Marshall and his mistress.
Daphne: Oh, come on. Daphne picks the music!

Robin: [on the phone] Mom, I don't know why your phone is off. Maybe you left your charger in the pickup truck.
[title: "drives a pickup truck"]
Robin: But I need you to get here as fast possible. I know you're probably gonna want to take a hot bath when you get in.
[title: "takes baths"]
Barney: She fits in a bathtub. That's good news. Unless... Oh, God, how big are Canadian bathtubs?
[title: "may be too fat for a conventional american bathtub]

Loretta: People ever line up like this for your mom's eggs?
Robin: Loretta, even I could make better eggs than this.
Loretta: Oh, I'd love it if you'd come teach me how to make scrambled eggs.
Waiter: It's a scramble-off, everybody! A scramble-off to the death! Someone go watch for the cops!
Barney: Maybe we should have read up on this town before booking our wedding.

Clint: Let's do some, "When you... I feel." All right, for example, when you don't do trust falls, I feel like you should do trust falls. So just do the damn trust falls.
Marshall: I'm driving a car, Clint. Okay, uh, Daphne, when you say "Drill, baby, drill" every time that we pass a gas station, I feel invalidated.
Daphne: Marshall, when you talk, I feel shut up!
Clint: That's very good, both of you.
Marshall: Really? Both of us?

Daphne: Name one energy that's better than oil.
Marshall: Wind, solar, hydroelectric. You see what I've been dealing with, Clint?
Clint: [plays guitar and sings] The sticky petroleum clings...
Marshall: Please not now, Clint.
Clint: To the pelican's broken wings Hey, Mr. Oilman, what have you done...
Marshall: Stop, stop, stop, please. Enough!
Daphne: Clint, I'm tired of your beard and I'm tired of this stupid therapy session.
Marshall: And I'm tired of the way that your songs have a-a laxative effect on Marvin!
Daphne: And on me. Every time Clint starts singing, I just got to go.
Marshall: Yeah. It's like, uh, the only trust fall when you sing is that I "trust" that a piece of poop is gonna "fall" out of my son's butt.
Daphne: [laughs] Hey, Clint, how about that? You got us to agree on something.
Marshall: Yeah.
Daphne: We both think you're a loser. This therapy works.

Robin: Okay, scrambled eggs. Here we go. Where is the egg opener? Never mind. I'll pre-scramble them. It's fine. Okay, fine, Loretta. You know what? You win. I don't know how to cook egg.
Loretta: If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs, I just worry what kind of breakfast you're gonna be serving my grandchildren.
Robin: Well, lucky you because that is one thing you won't ever have to worry about. [walks out]
Barney: Mom, Robin can't have kids.

Clint: Every single job I take on, it's always the same! "The coffee maker has to stay in the office, Clint!" "You still have to wear pants on Casual Friday, Clint!" "We didn't hire you, Clint!" Well, God, I'm-I'm... I'm just sick of it. I'm si... Ow. Ow. Oh, I can hear my blood right now. I'm having an attack. I'm having a blood attack.
Daphne: A blood attack?
Clint: Yeah. Pull over. I need... I-I need to meditate. I got to get my heart rate down. I'll... Ow! Pull over.
Marshall: We're in the middle of nowhere.
Clint: Pull over! Zitch dog, Labradoodle in a Ford Fusion! Ow! God.

Lily: Don't let Loretta get to you. Hey, when your mom gets here, do you want to all go... I don't know, avoid jellyfish?
Robin: She's not coming.
Lily: What?
Robin: I finally got a hold of her. She, um, never got on the plane. She was too scared. She won't be at her daughter's wedding.
[title: won't be at her daughter's wedding]
Lily: If that is the case, can we tell Barney she's super fat? It would mean the world to me.
Robin: Of course.