Marshall: Barney, I'm no shrink, okay, but don't you see that this is just a desperate way for you to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Ted?
Barney: Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation, I'd hire the guy we pay to hypnotize us before depositions. Now, get cracking!

Lily: I know, I know. I already called an animal rescue, and they're going to come get her on Monday.
Ted: Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat and go to the bathroom?! [Goat baas] Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat?
Lily: I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof.
Ted: Look, call me crazy. I just... I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And, boy, was I right, because what Missy the Goat would go on to do in that bathroom was so... No, you know what? I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll get there.

Ted: Hey. Guess what your wife brought home.
Marshall: Attorney-client privilege. I can't talk about it.
Ted: Talk about what?
Marshall: Nothing. How was your day? Oh, goat turd on the floor, I see. Is that new?
Ted: How does everyone know that's a goat turd?

Marshall: Article 29 "A bro will in a timely manner alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight."
[flashback to Ted phoning Barney from the bar:]
Ted: Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's.
Barney: What?!
Ted: Yeah, yeah. It was crazy. This one girl was like... [Barney arrives] Oh, hey.

Marshall: Article 53: "A bro will, whenever possible, provide his bro with protection."
[flashback to Barney rubbing a woman's shoulder:]
Woman: That feels nice.
Barney: Good.
[A pack of condoms is passed to Barney through the window by a reacher-grabber]
Woman: I just wish we had some wine.
Barney: Yeah. I wish we had some wine, too.
[The reacher-grabber hand clicks. Barney hands it some money.]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Which brings us to April 25, 2008. My 30th birthday, or as it would come to be referred to in later years: The Day of the Goat.
Lily: [on the phone] Hey, where are you?
Barney: I'm in the limo, right outside of Ted's office.
Lily: Great. Well, everyone's here. Stella just arrived and there is something here so awesome, I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe...
Barney: Goat in a party hat?
Lily: Damn it! Well, you still gotta see it. It's so much fun having a goat at a party!
Future Ted: [v.o.] In a few short hours, Lily would come to regret those words. But we'll get there.

Barney: So you're not mad?
Ted: No, I'm not mad. I mean, Robin and I broke up a year ago. We've, we've both dated lots of people since then. I'm with Stella now. Seriously, I... I'm fine with this.
Barney: I'm so relieved to hear you say that.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey, I just remembered, um, my mom is coming into town next month. [shouting] Maybe you'd like to nail her, too!

Ted: Three billion women on the planet! Three billion! And you have to sleep with the one that I dated for a year! Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! Robin?!
Barney: You think I'm proud of this?! I'm horrified that this happened.
Ted: How did it happen? Huh? Barney, I want to know. Tell me exactly how it happened.
Barney: You mean... what position? (Ted starts fighting Barney] Stop it! Stop it!
Ranjit: Hit him! Hit him, Ted.

Barney: Okay. Okay. You're pissed. You deserve to be. Fine. You know what? One free shot. On me. Anywhere but the face. [Ted punches Barney] Who punches someone in the groin? [groans] Okay. Okay. [high-pitched] I deserved that. I deserved that.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Oh, right, the goat. So funny.You're going to love this. So later in that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom and was eating one of Robin's washcloths and... Wait, hold on. Robin wasn't living there on my 30th birthday. When did this happen? Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday. Sorry, I totally got that wrong.