Ted: You think that this is just about Robin? This is about... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "Don't do this"?
Barney: Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted, seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...
Ted: I am not going to Vegas with you! I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend, and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would... You know, Barney, earlier this week I started putting things in a box and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."
Barney: What does that mean?
Ted: It means... maybe you belong in that box.
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
Barney: Okay, I'm going to stop you right there, because it seems like you're about to say something that's going to pretty much ruin Vegas.
Ted: Ranjit, stop the car. I'm getting a cab.

Lily: And with a little luck, in a few days, Farmer Frank's cold will be all gone. And that's why Farmer Frank's breath smells like medicine. Right, Farmer Frank?
Frank: You got it, toots.
Lily: Any last questions for Farmer Frank? Yes.
Girl: Will we ever go to see Missy the Goat again?
Frank: Ah, isn't that sweet! Well, you know, honey, right after this, I'm gonna drop old Missy off at the butcher shop. And they're going to take a great big knife...
Future Ted: [v.o.] And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class with a graphic explanation of where meat comes from...
Frank: So not one little scrap of Missy goes to waste.
Girl: Ms. Aldrin, please don't let them eat Missy.

Barney: So, I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend
Robin: And I just slept with my ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
Barney: Best friend.

Ted: So, tell us, what was it like?
Barney: What?
Ted: Penetrating that barrier. You and I are the first ones to hit it. Well, not the first ones, certainly, but the first ones at this table.
Barney: I... I... I'm... I'm...
Marshall: Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon.
Robin: Yeah, you are.
Marshall: Yeah, and when I hit it, I'm going to go nuts.
Lily: It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there.
Robin: Well, I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there.
Barney: What are you talking about?!
Ted: The big 3-0. You know, my 30th birthday's this Friday. Did you forget? What kind of friend is this guy?
Barney: Ha-ha right. A great friend, by the way. The best. Is it my imagination, or are these drinks getting smaller? If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "Try again." [laughs] How you doing there, Robin?
Robin: I'm good.

Ted: Oh, so, I made a a decision. I'm going to go through all my old stuff, And I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore. Hmm. Barney, you want my Xbox?
Barney: Ted, she has a name! And just what are you accusing me of?
Ted: Liking video games?

Barney: God, this is awkward.
Robin: What is?
Barney: Being around Ted.
Robin: Why?
Barney: Because of our thing.
Robin: What thing?
Barney: You're really gonna pretend this never happened?
Robin: What never happened?

Ted: What are you guys talking about?
Robin: Nothing.
Ted: Guys, cut the act. I know. I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. Marshall let it slip earlier today. Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything. Just be sure to invite Stella.
Barney: Stella! You have a serious girlfriend now! You're over this one. Robin who, right? Stella makes this one look like a filthy bag of garbage, am I right? Happy birthday, bro.

Marshall: [answers phone] Hello.
Barney: Hey, Marshall, I need your help.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now.
Barney: I know. I want to hire you.
Marshall: For the last time, Barney, I will not be your butler.
Barney: I need a lawyer. I'll pay you.
Marshall: How much?
Barney: A little.
Marshall: I'll take it.

Barney: You are hearing this secret, Marshall. I... I slept... [Marshall covers his ears] Stop... Stop doing that. [Barney throws a bowling ball at Marshall ,he catches it] I slept... I slept with Robin.
Marshall: You slept with Robin?
[Toaster oven beeps as hot dogs and buns appear]

Barney: Are you mad at me?
Marshall: I don't know.
Barney: How's the hot dog?
Marshall: It's helping. You slept with Robin?! I... I cannot keep that secret. I mean, you know I at least have to tell Lily.
Barney: You can't. You can't tell anyone. Attorney-client privilege.