Barney: The lesson of Blauman is that when your boss screams at you, you never scream back. That's why there's a little thing in corporate America I like to call the chain of screaming.
Marshall: Chain of screaming?
Barney: Yes. The chain of screaming starts at the top. Arthur's boss's boss screams at Arthur's boss. Arthur's boss screams at Arthur. Arthur screams at you. You go home and scream at Lily. Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. Then that kid screams at her dad, Arthur's boss's boss. And the whole thing starts all over again, Thus completing the circle of screaming.
Ted: I thought it was a chain of screaming.
Barney: It's a circle, Ted. I called it a circle.

Marshall: They always told me that working at a big law firm was like being at war...
[flashback to Marshall at work, at Nicholson, Hewitt and West:]
Marshall: [v.o.] You get out of law school, it's like getting out of boot camp. That first day at work, you're storming the beaches, full of piss and vinegar...
Man: Dude, we're lawyers now.
Marshall: Totally.
Man: We've got briefcases and everything.
Marshall: Freakin' briefcases.
Man: You have anything in yours?
Marshall: Totally empty. you?
Man: Candy bars.
[Marshall and his colleague high five with their briefcases]

Barney: What, that's it? You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you?
Marshall: Barney, I have never been screamed at like that in my life.
Ted: Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work?
Barney: I got screamed at three times today. Once in Korean. This is corporate America, Marshall. Screaming is a motivational tool, like Christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. It's just good business.

Marshall: How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again?
Robin: Here's what I would do if I were you.
[fantasy scene:]
Robin: Hi, Arthur.
Arthur: Hello, Marshall. Have you finally finished the Ninja Report?
Robin: Yeah, I got it. Right here. [places a gun on Arthur's desk] I think it's gonna blow you away.
Arthur: Please, I have a family.
Robin: So we good?
Arthur: We're so good.
Robin: Then why are you still in my office?

Ted: Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything up in Canada, Robin, but here in America, we solve our problems with words. Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy with a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. Like abraham Lincoln.
Marshall: Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, eloquent speech off the top of your head.
Ted: [clears throat] Observe.
[fantasy scene:]
Ted: Arthur?
Arthur: What do you want, Marshall?
Ted: Justice, sir. You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights, the most fundamentally paramount of which is the right... Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. One means highest, one means lowest.
Arthur: You are nailing this.
Ted: Human beings have rights, and those rights are, um...
Arthur: You got me hooked, reel me in.
Ted: There are certain justices that cannot or will not be inalienable... as such... for the future.
Arthur: Stuck the landing. Bravo! Thank you. Security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out.

Marshall: Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? I can't have some big confrontation with Arthur. I need this job, I.. I need the money.
Ted: Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, tell him off and then quit?
Marshall: It's great to fantasize about, but nobody ever actually does it.
Barney: Gary Blauman did it. Guy I used to work with. The guy's a legend now. We were at the morning meeting and old Blauman was getting reamed out but good. Pretty much routine at the morning meeting, but then, on this particular day, something amazing happened.
[flashback:]
Bilson: You made yourself look bad, you made this company look bad, and quite frankly, you made our friends, the North Koreans, look bad! And I'll tell you something else, Blauman, if you think for one moment...
Blauman: You know what, Bilson? You can kiss my ass.
Barney: Oh, snap.
Bilson: What?
Blauman: You heard me. I don't need to take your crap anymore. My cousin's website went public today, and I made a pile of money on the IPO, so you know what I think of this whole damn company?
[Blauman stands on the table and unzips his pants]

Ted: Oh, my God.
Marshall: He peed on the conference table?
[flashback to Blauman standing on a conference table in Barney's office:]
Blauman: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second till I get started? Come on. Come on.
Barney: [pours water in a glass] Does this help?
[present:]
Barney: Eventually, he just gave up and left. And then his cousin's website tanked. And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home and moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley.
Marshall: That's it? That's the end of the story?
Barney: No. No, of course not. He died.

Marshall: I don't scream at Lily.
Lily: And I don't scream at my kids, none of whom have parents who work at Marshall's firm.
Robin: So it's not a circle.
Barney: Fine! You want it to be a chain of screaming, it's a chain of screaming. I came up with the circle idea halfway through, 'cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, but fine, ruin it! You guys always undermine me when I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it! God, I'm surrounded by idiots! Idiots! See, doesn't everyone feel better now?

Barney: Don't blame this on me, Marshall. I told you to yell at someone beneath you. The circle of screaming is... The chain of scr... Pyramid... The pyramid of screaming! The pyramid of screaming.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids,the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me. Stella and I had started dating, and I'd just gotten a big raise at work. So I decided to purchase something I knew would be the envy of all my friends.
Ted: A new car!
Barney: Ted, this is New York City. You're never gonna drive it. This is a really, really stupid purchase, and I'm sorry, but none of us can support it. Shotgun for eternity!
Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney: I just called it.
Robin: You can't just call things, Barney.
Barney: I call that I can call things!
Robin: Nuh-uh.