Lily: Okay, so prove to me you can make a female friend. What about her?
Robin: Ugh. The girl with the bangs? Any chick who does that to her hair is going through a big life transition I don't wanna hear about. Next time grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth. Pass.
Lily: Okay, well, what about her?
Robin: Ugh. Comfortable shoes? Ha, ha. What, are you filibustering later? It's after 5, put on some heels. Pass.
Lily: Okay, well, what about...?
Robin: Ugh.
Lily: I haven't even pointed to anyone yet.

Robin: I don't know what to say.
Lily: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Robin: Which one? I can't do both.

Ted: Not weird at all.
Barney: Marshall, why are we doing this? Two dudes on a beach with a lifeless blob they're pretending is alive? It's stupid.
Marshall: [over video chat] So I guess that means Weekend at Bernie's is stupid too.
Barney: [gasps]
Marshall: E-lawyered.

Robin: There, there. Sister. Who needs a lady hug?
Amanda: Ugh. What the hell are you doing?
Robin: Wait, did you just ugh my hug?
Amanda: I don't need a hug. I'm pissed off because the Rangers just lost to the Boston Bruins.
Both: I hate the Boston Bruins.

Future Ted: [v.o.] As she watched Robin make a new friend, Lily was happy. For two seconds.
[fantasy scene of Robin watching sports with Amanda:]
Amanda: Oh, no.
Robin: Come on, ref. I haven't seen that much hooking go unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.
Amanda: And I was on that trip, because we're best friends now.
Robin: Hey, this might sound a little nutty. But how about we inject a sexual edge into our abiding friendship that...
Both: In no way jeopardizes our emotional connection or respective marriages?
[present:]
Lily: Hell, no.
Robin: Excuse me. I've got a Boston brewing, if you know what I mean. [both laughing]
Lily: [to Amanda] You listen and you listen good. If I see your face around Robin again, you'll be crying about a lot more than your precious New York Rodgers.
Amanda: Rangers?
Lily: I will cut you.
Robin: Forgot my purse. You know what? That's why I only need you. Because you're a psycho. My psycho.

Robin: So now the best man is painstakingly handwriting 200 table cards, but my maid of honor forgot to click "send" on an Evite.
Lily: I didn't forget to invite the girls to your bachelorette party. You have no girls.
Robin: [high-pitched] What? What? What? What? L... All my girls. I gave you a list.
Lily: This list?
Robin: Yeah.
Lily: "Tall girl from work. Mouth-breather from coffee shop. Average-sized girl from that place." Ooh, sorry I didn't track her down. She sounds great.
Robin: She's actually kind of a bitch.
Lily: Face it, Robin, you hate women and women hate you.

Robin: Look at how thorough Ted was planning the poker game he's throwing for Barney.
Marshall: [over video chat] Wait, I think I'm on some sort of delay here.
Ted: Ahem. "Best Man" visor for the dealer. Customized playing cards. Barney's the king. And the queens are naked.
Barney: It was my first decree.
Robin: Plus Ted handwrote all of the table cards for the reception in calligraphy. The man's a wizard with a pen.
Ted: Oh. Ha, ha. I don't know about all that. Though I was approached by the decorating committee to make the signs for our senior prom. I'm told they were quite the hit.

Future Ted: [v.o.] While Lily was dropping the ball as maid of honor, the best man was busy knocking it out of the park.
Barney: [hisses] Hey, buddy, listen. My Great Aunt Ida has corns on her feet and needs a first-floor room. Uh, would you mind switching rooms...?
Ted: Say no more. The best man is on it.
Barney: Thanks, Ted.
[later, Ted is in a grim, windowless basement room where he sits down on a fold-away bed. It folds up on him. The sprinklers then go off.]

Barney: Hey, buddy, listen. The wedding doves got here early and I don't know where to put them...
Ted: Say no more. The best man is on it.
Barney: Thanks, Ted.
[later, Ted has rows of birds in cages in his grim basement room]
Ted: Poor guys. All cooped up. I guess there's no harm in letting you out for a bit, huh?
[later:]
Ted: They carpet-bombed my entire room. I wish I'd closed my suitcase. And my mouth.

Barney: Hey, buddy, listen. I see you wrote "N-O-period" instead of the number sign. I'm worried that might confuse the guests...
Ted: Say no more. The best man is on it.
Barney: Thanks, Ted.
[later]
Ted: Here they are, freshly penned table cards in a pretty decent Chancery, considering I only had my travel quills. Wait, why has the poker game started?
Barney: Oh, um, the best man moved the time.
Ted: No, he didn't.
Barney: Yes, he did.
Billy Zabka: Hey, Ted. Thanks for the sweet lid, bro.