[flashback to eight years earlier:]
Marshall: [v.o.] And I ordered the burger.
Marshall: [to the tattooed server] Thank you.
[Marshall takes his first bite of the burger. He is overcome with delight. He savors every bite. While he eats, he notices a signed picture of Regis Philbin on the wall. When he's finished, Marshall runs home from the burger joint.]
Marshall: Ted, you got to wake up. Wake...
[Ted is startled on the couch and hits Marshall with a baseball bat.]
Ted: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Marshall: I'm all right. Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life! It's this awesome little place, Regis Philbin eats there, so it's sort of like a celebrity hot spot. But the burger. The burger. Dude.
Ted: I want one of those burgers right now! Do you think they're still open?
Marshall: I don't know. (Looking to his watch.) Does stuff in New York stay open past... 9:30?
[Ted and Marshall walks the streets of New York City:]
Marshall: [v.o.] So we went out to get another burger. But after hours of searching...
Marshall: Damn it! Where is this place?

Robin: You couldn't find it?
Ted: We didn't know our way around. Just getting back to the apartment took us three hours and one very helpful drag queen.
Marshall: Wait, Penny Noir was a drag queen?
Robin: Well, where do you think it was?
Lily: Probably tucked between her legs.

Barney: You know what's not a drag? Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank. I'm just saying.

Robin: So I take it you've tried the Corner Bistro.
Marshall: Robin, I've tried every so-called best burger in New York City trying to find that burger. Or at least forget about her.
[montage of Lily and a disappointed Marshall eating at various burger joints, all of which have Regis Philbin pictures on the wall]
Marshall: But none of those places even came close.

Marshall: That's where my story ends. Now I'm doomed to walk the earth forever searching for that green door and that red neon sign that says "Burger."
Robin: Green door, red neon sign that says "Burger?"
Marshall: Yeah.
Robin: I know that place. I've walked by it a million times. It's on West 12th, right off of 7th.
Marshall: I knew it was on a numbered street!
[Wendy serves Robin her burger]
Robin: Finally.
Marshall: No! Robin! If any of us is gonna eat a burger tonight, it's gonna be the best burger in New York. We're going downtown!
[Marshall throws Robin's burger away]
Robin: No!

Ted: Oh, um, we should probably call Regis.
Barney: Regis? That guy scares me. I think I'll leave him a text.
[on the set of "Million Dollar: Heads or Tails"]
Regis Philbin: Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads. The one before that was tails. You polled the audience, they came out split, 50/50. No help at all there. So, for $258,000, I have to ask you, Kathy, what's it gonna be: Heads... Or... [his phone beeps] Excuse me. [reads the text] Oh, boy. I've got to go. I've got to go!

Marshall: Green door, red neon sign. Guys, this is the place. I've actually, I prepared a few words.
Robin: I will eat your hand.
Marshall: Let's just go inside, then, shall we?
[inside:]
Marshall: [to the waitress] Thank you.
Waitress: Yours will be right out.
Robin: [to her friends] Please, go ahead, start. [they cheer] Just shut up and eat.

Lily: I think I just had my first burg-asm.

Barney: I want.to take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, then take it back to my place, put on a little Terence Trent D'arby, and then I would just... fool around a little bit. Nothing serious, just take it slow, you know?

Marshall: Okay, look, so, so this, this isn't the place. All right, it's no big deal. It's another place with a green door and a red neon sign that says "Burger". I'll just... I'll call every restaurant in Manhattan and ask 'em what color their door is. No big deal, right? Let's do this. [exits]
Robin: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this isn't just about a burger.
Lily: Marshall's not doing so well, guys. He really needs to get a job.
Ted: Tell them about the underpants.
Robin: What about the underpants?
Lily: It started a couple of weeks ago.
[flashback to Marshall lying on the couch in his underpants, watching TV:]
Marshall: Heads! It's going to be heads. It's almost usually heads.
Lily: [enters] Hey, baby.
Marshall: Hey!
Lily: Did you put on pants today?
Marshall: Nope. [both laugh]