Robin: I'm calling him. I'm telling him that I was wrong and I'm sorry, and I totally want to listen to his stupid stories.
Lily: Yeah, think of another way to phrase that and you'll be fine.

Robin: Excuse me. I'm looking for a couple guys who came in here earlier. One's about six-four, 210, sandy brown hair. And the other's a cheating bastrd.
Bouncer: You're going to need to refresh my memory.
Lily: Okay, fella. Baby knows how this game's played. How's a $20 help your memory?
Bouncer: Thanks, but seriously, it was crazy tonight. You really do need to refresh my memory.
Lily: Then can I have the...? That's cool. You keep that.

Robin: So these guy. One of them's an architect.
Bouncer: Ted Mosby, the architect?
Robin: That's the one.
Bouncer: Oh, yeah, he was here.

[flashback:]
Ted: And then I was all, "No, Frank Gehry, you're on your own this time." And that, my dear, was the end of that hack's career.
Anna: I live across the street.
Ted: That is one hell of a non sequitur.

[flashback:]
Marshall: Dude, what are you doing?
Ted: Galloping.
Marshall: You proved it, all right? The whole "Ted Mosby, architect" things works.
Anna: Architects rule! Whoo-hee!
Marshall: Aren't you a little worried that a certain somebody might find out that you're doing this? This isn't you, Ted.
Ted: It is tonight. Whoo!

Robin: You know this girl. Where does she live?
Bouncer: I'm not telling you that for less than 20 bucks.
Lily: Well, I'm out of money.
Robin: I'm cashed, too.
Bouncer: I'll take your purse.
Robin: My purse?
Bouncer: Yeah, my girl likes clutches.
Robin: Okay, fine.
Lily: You should tell her that looks really good with a chocolate boot.
Robin: Bitch is lucky I brought my small purse. No room for my gun. Here. Now where does the rodeo slut live?

Robin: I can't believe he's cheating on me. You know how many times I could have cheated? Six. No, seven. And you know two of them, and they would surprise you.

Lily: 3-C, let's do this. You ready?
Robin: Should I just kick the door in?
Lily: Those are really nice heels and you already lost the purse. Let's see if it's unlocked. It's unlocked. Okay, get in there and kick some spankable ass. Robin?
Robin: I'm the problem.
Lily: What?
Robin: You were right. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I took the nicest guy in the world and I made him a cheater.
Lily: Well, don't stand out here and beat yourself up. Get in there and beat Ted up. I'll handle the slutty kickboxer. Actually, I'll take Ted.
Robin: Let's do this.

Robin: What do you think you're...? Barney?
Barney: [tied to the bed] Thank God you're here. Can you help with this? I need nails.
Robin: Okay, I'm totally lost here. Where's Ted?
Barney: Ted? He's at work.
Robin: How did you get here?
Barney: Awesome story. As per usual.

Lily: Oh, this is great. It wasn't Ted. Everything's okay.
Robin: Everything isn't okay. Look at me. I'm acting crazy and jealous and paranoid.
Lily: This is how people act in relationships.
Robin: And that's why I avoid relationships.
Lily: Well, guess what, I haven't been crazy or jealous or paranoid in months, and I really miss it.