‘Tailgate’
Season 7, Episode 13 - Aired January 2, 2012
Marshall visits his father's grave to carry on their tradition of tailgating at Vikings-Bears games. Marshall tells the story of the gang's New Year's Eve, where Barney and Ted opened a bar called "Puzzles", and Robin had to cover for a drunk Sandy Rivers.
Quote from Robin
Robin: [answers phone] Hello? Sandy?
Sandy Rivers: Tina quit. The woman I love just quit.
Robin: Love?
Sandy Rivers: She's my everything, Robin. My sun, my stars, my oxygen. Plus, she likes it fast and dirty, and that's how Sandy rides. I need you here ASAP.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Are you kidding me? Marcus? What the heck are you doing here?
Marcus: What the heck are you doing here?
Marshall: I wanted to see Dad today, in private.
Marcus: Well, I had the same idea, and I drove all the way from Mom's, so get lost.
Marshall: I flew here, so you get lost.
Marcus: Um, I'm trying to have a poignant moment with our departed father, turd face.
Marcus: Well, I'm trying to feel Dad's spirit flow through my soul, butt breath.
Marcus: I'm reaching out to the beyond to touch Dad's inner light, ass clown.
Marcus: I hear Dad's voice like an ethereal song guiding me toward salvation, douche nozzle.
Marcus: Dibs on Dad.
Marshall: Dibs on Dad times infinity.
Quote from Marshall
Marcus: Dad, do you hear something? Perhaps the high-pitched whine of someone who wet their bed until they were 11!
Marcus: Ten.
Quote from Robin
Sandy Rivers: So, as the countdown to 212 continues, a quick warning, America: Tina Henderson is a soulless bitch who will stomp on your heart. I need you back, Tina. I love you.
Robin: Well, if that's as bad as it gets, we might be okay.
Sandy Rivers: Bathroom break.
Robin: Oh, good. It's on the Jumbotron.
Quote from Barney
Doug: Yeah, that'll be 100 bucks each.
Ted: What? You said 50.
Doug: That was before the place got crowded. Okay? It's New Year's Eve. People get rowdy and break stuff. The cover protects us. Plus, you get these festive hats. For an additional 15 bucks.
Ted: They're wet.
Doug: Dry ones are 20.
Barney: That's it. Don't bother, everybody. MacLaren's is a rip-off!
Quote from Marshall
Marcus: Stop hogging Dad already. I've got stuff to tell him, too.
Marshall: Like what? You're still living with Mom, and you have no job.
Marcus: Go ahead.
Quote from Lily
Marshall: July 8, 1989. [Lily Screams] Cheyenne, Wyoming. A hunter spots a hairy form in the fore. Bigfoot. His story is dismissed because, to be honest, he'd been drinking and had a history of mental problems. But was it a hoax? Or was it an enigma of the...
Lily: It was an idiot in a gorilla suit.
Marshall: Enigma.
Lily: Gorilla suit.
Marshall: Enigma!
Lily: Gorilla suit!
Quote from Marshall
Marvin Jr.: Marshall? Marcus? What are you guys doing he?
Marshall: Having a private moment with Dad.
Marcus: No, I'm having a private moment with Dad.
Marvin Jr.: No, I'm having a private moment with Dad.
Announcer: Touchdown, Vikings!
[All the Eriksen boys cheer and hug, before remembering they were fighting]
Quote from Marshall
Mourner: Excuse me, sir? About the TVs, we in the middle burying my aunt, so...
Marshall: Oh I'm sorry. We'll keep it down.
Mourner: No, I just want to check out the score.
Marshall: Actually, I'm trying to have a private moment with my dad, so...
Mourner: Oh. It's just that I used to go to Vikes's with my aunt. May she rest in peace.
[Marshall turns the TV around for the mourner, who takes a seat]
Marshall: Anyway, so back to my story... [a flashback of Robin begins and abruptly ends]
Mourner: She also loved burgers.
[Marshall puts an extra burger on the grill]
Marshall: So now, back to my story. [a flashback of Robin begins and abruptly ends again]
Mourner: Aunt Laura sure loved a toasted bun.
Quote from Robin
Robin: Tina, please tell me Sandy's here.
Tina: Don't worry, he's here.
Sandy Rivers: And we're back... together!
Tina: He told me he loves me, he's sorry, and I'm the only girl for him.
Sandy Rivers: You know, since we'll here, and we're all horny...
[later:]
Sandy Rivers: I don't know what went wrong.
Robin: Well, proposing the three-way was bad, starting without us was worse, finishing in the hallway was the nail in the coffin.