Future Robin: The bottom line is, I didn't feel like talking about it. So when Ted asked...
Ted: Hey, Robin, you okay? You look upset.
Future Robin: I just came up with the first lie that popped into my head.
Robin: Yeah. Uh... I just found out I can never... be a pole-vaulter for the Canadian Olympic team. I'm too tall or something.
Lily: Robin, I'm sorry.
Barney: I'm so sorry, Robin.
Ted: I had no idea. That's terrible. Can we get some fried chicken over here, stat!
Lily: I am such a bad friend!
Barney: Three slutty nuns show up at St. Peter's- Wait, wait, they're not slutty. Well, they are, but you're not supposed to know that yet. Um...

Robin: An airplane ticket to Cleveland?
Ted: I know it's not Canada, but it starts with a "C" and it's cold as balls, so get packed. You're coming home with me for Christmas.
Robin: Yeah, nice try, dude. I wouldn't go to Cleveland for $125 million paid over six years.
Ted: Still? Still with the LeBron jokes? Where's that ring, huh? Where's that ring he's supposed to have by now?

[When Robin returns to the apartment, the light switch doesn't work.]
Robin: Damn it.
["Highway to Hell" by AC/DC plays. A Christmas tree in the apartment lights up in sequence. Other objects around the room light up.]
Ted: Yes, it is. Look, you don't want to tell me what's wrong, fine. I don't need to know. But you can never stop me
from trying to cheer you up. It's a fact of life. You're just gonna have to deal with it.
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Hold on, hold on, this is the best part.

Ted: I thought you were bummed about not going home for Christmas.
Robin: Are you kidding? I love New York at Christmas. It's so quiet and peaceful. Got my eggnog to keep me company, so...
Ted: Robin, what's wrong?
Robin: Nothing.
Ted: Just tell me.
Robin: Why do you need to know so bad?
Ted: So I can cheer you up.
Robin: It's not your job to cheer me up.
Ted: Yes, it is. Cheering you up is my job.
Robin: Well, then, you're fired.
Ted: You can't fire me. I'm union, bitch.
Robin: It's not your job to cheer me up.
Ted: Yes, it is.
Robin: No, it's not.
Ted: Yes, it is.
Robin: No, it's not. Merry Christmas, Ted.
Ted: Merry Christmas.

Barney: Okay, one scotch for me, one iced tea on the rocks glass for Mommy.
Robin: Stop it.
Barney: Sorry, sorry. Keeping it secret. Oop, I think I gave you the wrong one. Here, let me just... Give it to me. Drop... let go. Take it away from you.

Marshall: Hey, guys! Guess what this is!
Ted: One of your socks? Boom! You're huge.
Marshall: No, it's our unborn son's Christmas stocking. Grandma Gunderson started knitting it the day Lily and I got married. And she died before she could finish.
Ted: I miss stockings. My stepdad Clint made us get rid of anything that reminds him of the commercialization of Christmas.
Lily: I thought you said he dresses up as Santa.
Ted: Yeah, but, uh, to protest gender stereotypes, he plays Santa as a woman. Though, he keeps the beard. The result is disturbing.

Lily: Well, we should go. We have to get to We B Babies so that we can register for our shower.
Marshall: No can do. Um, I have a big project that I'm working on. This is Richard Holdman's house in East Meadow. Last year, he had the most visited Christmas display in the tri-state area. But not this year. You know why? Because Big Fudge has come to town, and he brought his two friends: Mannheim... Steamroller. Game on.

Robin: [retches]
Lily: Are you okay?
Robin: Yeah. Uh, it's just, um... I hate Mannheim Steamroller. Isn't there anyone else you can use?
Marshall: Come on! Who am I gonna use if not the Steamroller?!
Robin: I don't know. AC/DC?
Marshall: AC/DC? Robin, do you have any idea why they call them Mannheim Steamroller? Because they rock... so hard, so festively, that steam comes out of your brain. As it melts.

Lily: Okay, first on the registry: nipple butter.
Robin: Uh-oh.
Lily: As you breast-feed, your nipples stretch out, like, four inches and get all dry and cracked. The nipple butter stops the bleeding.
Robin: [to Barney] My four-inch nipples are going to crack and bleed?!
Barney: Yes, but while the baby is gnawing on your bleeding nips, look what she'll be wearing.

Barney: Insane Duane?
Duane: Barney?
Future Robin: [v.o.] Insane Duane was your father's best friend, back in the days before he met me or your Uncle Ted.
[flashback to Barney and Duane at MacLaren's:]
Duane: We're going back to her place. Boom!
Barney: All right, you win! Here's 20 for picking up a girl with only one word. And here's another 20 for that word being "boner."
Duane: Thank you. I'll meet you back here in an hour when I'm done with, uh... Ah, who cares what her name is;
she won't be around long enough for it to matter.