Lily: This is all Ted's fault. Oh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector.
Robin: What do you mean?
Lily: Oh, come on. You dated the guy for a year and you never noticed that most of what Ted says is correcting you.
[flashback:]
Robin: Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex?
Ted: Actually, Kleenex is a brand. This is a facial tissue.
[another flashback:]
Robin: Oh, my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl?
Ted: Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene. That's Frankenstein's monster.
[another flashback:]
Robin: That literally blew my mind.
Ted: Figuratively.

Future Ted: [v.o] Kids, the early bloom of a romance is a wonderful thing. You meet someone, you have a connection, and that person becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. You just can't find anything wrong with them. And you can't wait to tell the world about it.
Barney: She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants.
Ted: I'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her. Lily, she knows all about art. Marshall, she's open to the existence of UFOs. Barney, she's hot. Robin, she's not hotter than you.
Barney: Like her already.
Lily: Great.
Robin: How not hotter?

Barney: Oh, hey, can I jump on there? I want to show you something awesome.
Marshall: What? No, no. Bar results. My future.
Barney: Trust me. You need to see this.
Marshall: What is so important that I need to see it right now?
Barney: It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall: How do I need to see that? Why would I want to see that? In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain to something that disgusting enrich my life?
Barney: It's a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall: Get away from my computer.
Barney: Okay, just do a quick Google search for "caca spaniel."

Barney: Okay. I probably shouldn't be telling you this. I definitely shouldn't be telling you this, but there is a way I can help you with your problem.
Marshall: How?
Barney: I know a guy at work. He can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls and retrieve passwords through secure servers. I can get into any computer.
Marshall: So what do we do? Like, arrange a secret meeting in a darkened parking structure?
Barney: No.
Marshall: Can we?
Barney: No.
Marshall: I have a trench coat.
Barney: Dude, be cool.

Barney: Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with... Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded and told me I was far, far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in God.
Ted: What does this have to do with Cathy?
Barney: Who's Cathy?

Future Ted: [v.o.] So kids, this girls I was dating would not stop talking. Can you imagine how awful that is?

Marshall: Oh, come on. I'm sorry that we told you, okay? It's part of being in a relationship. Eventually, you get used to these annoying little things that bug you at first.
Ted: Yeah, I guess. I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right?
Marshall: Lily doesn't chew loudly.
Ted: Dude... Come on. This isn't news. Why do you think I call her "Chewbacca"?
Marshall: I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

Barney: Are you certain you want to go through with this?
Marshall: I have to know, yes, yes.
Barney: Very good. First, we go to the New York State Bar Web site. We disable the firewall, then the recursive algorithm grabs your password, and as the application erases itself leaving no trace we were here ever... You ready to see your future, bro?
Marshall: Yes. [Barney presses a button on the computer] It's a dog pooping on a baby.
Barney: Right! Isn't that awesome?
Marshall: So you went through all this just to get me to look at your stupid video?
Barney: Yeah, it was worth it.
Marshall: Barney, Barney, that was the biggest test of my life. I'm incredibly stressed out right now, and I... Okay, that's pretty funny.

Marshall: Oh, come on! What about you, "Barney"? Okay, you... Always...
Barney: Interesting, interesting, everyone has annoying habits but me.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice.
Robin: And you're constantly using lame catchphrases.
Ted: And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention to what we're talking about.
Barney: I'm sorry. What? Oh, see? You can't think of anything 'Cause [high-pitched] I'm awesome!

Marshall: All right, guys, guys, guys. I'm a lawyer.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And just like that we stopped fighting and celebrated Marshall's success. You see, when someone's bad habits are pointed out to you, it's hard to ignore them.
Marshall: [singing] I'm a lawyer now 'cause I passed the bar I'm imposing Marshall law on this champagne.
Robin: Oh my God, are you literally on cloud nine right now?
Lily: Baby, you never have to take the bar again. [chews loudly]
Ted: Actually, if he practices law in another state, he will have to, but New York, man! It's a great state to practice law in!
Barney: [high-pitched voice] Lawsuit up!
Future Ted: [v.o.] But if you love them enough, those bad habits are easy to forget.