Barney: [answers phone] Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you Connor; don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and suit up!
[cut to:]
Ted: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?
Barney: I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit!

Ted: I never do anything crazy. I'm always waiting for the moment. Planning the moment. Well she's leaving tomorrow this may be the only moment I'm gonna get! I gotta do what that guy couldn't, I gotta take the leap! Okay, not a perfect metaphor, 'cos for me it's fall in love and get married and for him it's... death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. [to Marshall and Lily] By the way, did I congratulate you two?

Robin: I think I like your "Olive Theory".
Ted: I think I like your French Horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
[cut to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Lily, Marshall and Barney: What?
[cut to the kids in the year 2030:]
Son and Daughter: What?
[back to Robin's apartment in 2005:]
Robin: What?

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. But it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman - not you, just some hypothetical woman - were to bare with me through all this. I think I'd make a damn good husband. Because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father. And walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references.

Robin: Good night, Ted. [Ted and Robin shake hands]
Ted: And I'm a good hand shaker.
Robin: That's a pretty great hand shake. [long look into Ted's eyes]
[cut to:]
Ted: And that was it, probably never see her again. [silence] What?
Marshall: That was the signal!
Lily: That long lingering handshake. You should've kissed her!
Barney: There's no such thing as the signal. But yeah, that was the signal.
Ranjit: Signal.

Future Ted: [v.o.] I asked her about it years later, and yeah, that was the signal. I could've kissed her. But that's the funny thing about destiny, it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I never thought I'd see that girl again. But it turns out, I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that kids, is the true story, of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Son: Aunt Robin?
Daughter: I thought this was about how you met mom!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother
Son: Are we being punished for something?
Future Ted: [v.o.] No.
Daughter: Yeah, is this going to take a while?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was dad, I had this whole other life.

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was way back in 2005. I was twenty-seven just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with my friend Marshall, my best friend from college. My life was good and then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up.
[cut to:]
Marshall: Will you marry me?
Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne! You drink a toast! You have sex on the kitchen floor... Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
Marshall: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Ted: Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily! I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily. The night you met. Your first date... other first things.
Marshall: [laughs] yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too.

Barney: [answering phone] Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight?
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and Suit up!

Ted: You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshall and Lily... and me. They'll get married, start a family. Before long I'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call "Uncle Ted".