Robin: I've gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.
Ted: No green clarinet?
Robin: No.
Ted: Come on, no purple tuba?
Robin: It's a Smurf penis or no dice.

Marshall: So, did you kiss her?
Ted: No. The moment wasn't right. Look, this woman could be my future wife; I want our first kiss to be amazing.
Lily: Aw, Ted that's so sweet. So you chickened out like the little bitch.
Ted: What? I did not chicken out! You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college.
Lily: Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me, call him.
[cut to Ted phoning Barney as he plays laser-tag]

Barney: So, Ranjit, you must've done it with a Lebanese girl.
Lily: Okay, that's my Barney limit.

Ranjit: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney: The women hot there?
Ranjit: Here's a picture of my wife.
Barney: [whispers to Marshall] A simple no would have sufficed. [To Ranjit] She's lovely.

Robin: So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a suit?
Ted: I was just hoping to get those olives, that you said I could have.
Robin: Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?
Ted: Are you trying to get me drunk?
Robin: For starters.

Barney: So, Marshall. This "Olive Theory" based on you and Lily?
Marshall: Yeah.
Barney: You hate olives? Lily loves them, you can't stand them.
Marshall: Yeah, hate olives.
Barney: Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street, dish of olives, you had some. What up?
Marshall: You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.
Barney: I swear.
Ranjit: I swear.
Marshall: On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad. Lily asked if she could have my olives. I said, "Sure... I hate olives."
Barney: But you like olives!
Marshall: Well, I was eighteen, okay? I was a virgin. Been waiting for my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.

Barney: Marshall, I'm going to get you an early wedding present. Don't get married.

Barney: Come on man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right? You know what that is, hunger. You're hungry for experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives. But you're too scared to do anything about it.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm scared, okay? But when I think about spending the rest of my life with Lily, committing forever, no other women, it doesn't scare me at all. I'm marrying that girl. [Lily pops her head in the window] Lily. Lily, I like olives.
Lily: We'll make it work. [they kiss]
Ranjit: Aw.

Ted: [long silence] So Orlando, you gonna hit Disney World?
Robin: You love me?
Ted: Oh, God, I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go.
Robin: Hold on. Wait a minute. I promised you these.
Ted: Olives. Thanks. I love you. What's wrong with me?

Barney: Why are we still sitting here? Let's go! We can still make last call. What do you say, Lil? [pirate accent] Yo, ho ho and a bottle o' rum? [silence] 'Cuz you're a pirate...
Lily: Okay, eye patch gone. And we can't just abandon Ted. If it doesn't go well up there he's gonna need some support.
Marshall: It's been like twenty minutes. You think they're doin' it?
Barney: You think they're doing it in front of the dogs?
Marshall: Doggie style. [laughs]
Barney: I had this girl in college; she had a golden retriever-
Lily: Okay, we can go to the bar, just stop talking.