Barney: I'm sorry I lied to you. I'll tell you everything. The whole story.
Quinn: Fine. You have one minute before I walk out that door.
Barney: Um, it's, uh, kind of a long story, Quinn. Gonna take a bit little longer than a minute.
Quinn: 52 seconds.
Barney: Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room, and I said, "Oh, yeah, you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Have you met Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, shoulda kissed her, didn't - lame - so he stole a smurf pen1s, went back to her place, should've kissed her, didn't. Lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof, but decided to be friends - lame - then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria, didn't kiss her either - lame - not a great closer, Ted. But he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany, Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin, Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil, came back with a Latin stud, Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning that as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... [intake of breath] Robin and I started dating, I got fat, her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora, cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora, Robin dated Kevin, but not for long, and then I met you and you took my grandpa's watch but I fell in love with you anyway, and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes and we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything! Also I went on The Price Is Right and won a dune buggy.
Quinn: Goodbye, Barney.

Quinn: So, Barney and I have already disagreed on a few of the wedding details. I want to go with a buffet, and he wants to ride down the aisle on a grizzly bear.
Barney: He'll be wearing a tux. Fine, fine, I'll settle for a panda bear, but you have to call my tailor. He'll be furious about the switch.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I was also gloriously happy, driving off into the sunset with Victoria, who left her fiance Klaus at the altar for me. There was just one problem.
Ted: Wow. I wonder if Klaus found your note yet.
Victoria: My note?
Ted: Yeah, you know, the "I'm leaving you at the altar" note.
Victoria: Is that a thing?
Ted: When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy.
Victoria: I think common courtesy went out the window when I did.
Ted: Look, when Stella left me at the altar, at least I got an explanation. I mean, that note is what keeps you sane. You read it, you re-read it, you memorize it, you sleep with it, you sniff it because it still kind of smells like her, and then, finally... You let it go. Tied to a brick, right through her perfect little suburban bay window.