Marshall: Well, it won't work. Even if I have to get two extra night jobs, I'll pay your precious tailor. I'm not selling my soul. Baby, I know that this will make things harder, but I will make it work, I promise.
Lily: I destroyed an $8,000 wedding dress.
Marshall: [to Barney] What time is the interview?
Barney: 9:00 a.m., and you'll need new shoes. Don't worry, I know a guy.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when it comes to love, the best relationships are the ones that just come naturally.
Ted: My first solo batch.
Victoria: Um, I think those need to stay in the oven a while longer. Here's a professional tip. If it's still runny, it's not a cupcake. It's a beverage.
Future Ted: Yeah, well, things with Victoria were fun, and easy, and uncomplicated. It was pretty great.

Barney: Dude, you show up to an interview in that, even the hippie lawyers from Granola Mountain Earth Pals will hackeysack you straight out the door.
Marshall: Okay, it's the National Resource Defense Council, and it's my dream job. Except it's only an internship, and I won't be getting paid. Mostly getting people coffee. But the people I'm getting coffee for... their bosses are going to save the world.

Barney: Okay, tomorrow... oh, and I should mention this is going to rock your world-- tomorrow I'm taking you to my personal tailor.
Marshall: A tailor? Barney, I make negative $300 a week, and I need every negative penny of that for my wedding.

Robin: Hey, I thought it was going to be just us tomorrow. What's with inviting Punky Brewster?
Lily: Robin, you've got to get over this Ted and Victoria thing. You had your chance, and now he's moved on. Can't you just be happy for them?
Robin: The best I can give you is a fake smile and dead eyes.
Lily: Sold.

Ted: And if you do, what does that mean for us?
Victoria: I don't know. I just... I don't think that long distance really works for anyone.
Ted: Oh, God, no. Long-distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Sergei: [speaks Ukrainian]
Barney: Ted, Sergei says stop moping around. You're distracting him from his process.
Marshall: You speak Ukrainian?
Barney: Eh. [holds fingers close together]

Marshall: Ted, do you remember in college when Lily did that summer art program in Paris?
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: Well, she kept talking about this cheesy French guy, Gabriel. So, I went out to visit, and there was this party. And who shows up but Gabriel. And he's got this weak-ass, thin French mustache. I'm not much of a fighter, but I knew I could take this weird little dude. So, I took him aside, and I got all creepy quiet, I got the crazy eyes going, and I said, "You stay away from Lily, or I swear to God I'll eat that mustache right off of your ugly French face." Yeah. Yeah, he literally ran away. I think he was crying. I never told Lily about it. To be honest, I'm not very proud of it. To be even more honest, I am.
Ted: Um, other than confirming a lot of European stereotypes about Americans, did that little story have a point?
Marshall: Yeah, the point is that even though Lily is my soul mate, long distance still almost killed us. If you think that there's any chance that Victoria is your soul mate, you should ask her to stay.

Barney: [to Ted] Oh, please. You barely know this girl. What's her favorite color? Is she a cat person or a dog person? Is she open to a three-way? Ted, I do more research than this before buying a cell phone. And, FYI, yes, I have three-way calling.

Marshall: God. I'm going to look hot.
Barney: Marshall, I can't let you waste a suit this nice fighting a losing battle for our planet's survival. This is a suit for winners. I am getting you an interview at my office. We need good men like you in our legal department. We get sued... a lot.