Tim: The important thing to remember this holiday season is make it a safe one, which brings us to today's Tool Time tip. Lisa?
Lisa: Now, be careful with this, Tim.
Tim: I will. Thank you, Lisa. This is a completely frayed wire, and you never want to plug in a frayed wire. AI, do you suppose they call it "a frayed" because it's scared of something?
Al: I really doubt it, Tim.
Tim: Oh, I do too, AI. Now, AI will now show us how to safely tape up that wire. Be careful. [rattling] Merry Christmas, AI. You know, there's nothing more fun in the world than sitting around a beautifully decorated Christmas tree in your home, grunting your favorite Christmas carols. That brings one to mind. [grunts "Jingle Bells"] Come on, AI, hit it. [Al is silent] [grunts "Jingle Bells"] Everybody, come on. [audience joins in] That's the spirit.

Jill: I know why you're doing this.
Tim: I have the Christmas spirit.
Jill: You just can't stand that Doc Johnson always wins that Christmas decoration contest.
Tim: You always think I'm competing with Doc Johnson.
Jill: Oh, it doesn't bother you that he's added those extra three giant candles on his roof?
Tim: There's four of 'em, and this little dancing elf, but that doesn't bother me.

Jill: Why don't you just try taking a year off and not compete with Dr. Johnson?
Tim: Some thanks I get for trying to spread a little Christmas cheer.
Jill: You're spreading around something, but it ain't Christmas cheer.

Jill: That is just favoritism. Tim, you should have built the set.
Tim: Boy, is that the voice of the Christmas spirit I hear?
Jill: He forgot the words to "Happy Birthday", Tim. Is that the Joseph you want? What's he gonna say? "Meet my wife, the virgin, duh, Sheila"?
Randy: Mom, we don't care if we're in that pageant.
Jill: Yes, you do. This family has the Christmas spirit. And when I'm finished sewing your costumes, you're gonna be the best-dressed Hebrews in Bethlehem.

Randy: Dad, Dr. Johnson just put up two huge spotlights.
Tim: What?
Wilson: Joyeux Noël, Tim.
Tim: And to you too, Wilson. I didn't even see any of that stuff. I just looked over there. Where'd you see... Those aren't spotlights. Those are 7,000-watt Xenon Super Troupers. That guy is sick. It's you and me, Santa, against the doctor. Come on, buddy.

Tim: All right, we're about ready to watch the trial run of Santa taking his journey from the sled over to the chimney. I put him on a modified turntable. And remember... always attach the spur gear to the final drive.
Brad: That's awesome, Dad.
Tim: I'm gonna get my tools and come in. Boy, it is awful slippery up here.
[Tim slips and lands face down on the snowy roof]
Brad: Dad, the hammer's frozen to your tongue.
Tim: I know it is. Help! Help!

Jill: Honey, I think that we need to talk to you about Santa.
Mark: Is he dead again?
Tim: Mark, as you grow up, you learn a whole bunch of things along the way, okay? The Easter Bunny.
Santa Claus... [knock at the door] I'll get it.
Jill: You see, it's the spirit of Santa Claus that really matters. [Tim opens the door]
Santa: Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!
Tim: Wilson, what are you doing here?
Santa: The name is Santa.

Santa: Hello, there, Mark.
Mark: Are you the real Santa?
Santa: The one and only.
Randy: Mom, that's Wilson.
Jill: [shushes Randy] Santa, would you like some hot chocolate?
Santa: No, no, no, no, no, no. Mrs. Claus told me to cut back.
Tim: Well, it still looks like you're packing it in there. Maybe swallowed a few too many yams there at Thanksgiving.

Brad: This is so bogus.
Santa: Well, even though it's not quite Christmas yet. I thought my little buddy Mark needed an extra helping of Christmas spirit.
Mark: Should I go get my list?
Santa: No, there's no need to, Mark. In your heart... what I think you really want... is a remote-controlled dinosaur.
Mark: Great! It's not even folded. Thank you, Santa.
Santa: And Mark, don't forget this.
Mark: What's this?
Santa: Well, unlike the toy companies, with Santa, batteries are included.

Brad: Anything for us, Santa?
Santa: Well, even though you boys no longer believe in me, Santa brought you a gift anyway. Brad, I've got you a rubber band. And Randy, here's a button.
Tim: Well, Santa, what'd you bring us?
Santa: Well, with the hustle and bustle of Christmas, sometimes we get involved in decorating and pageants. And we often forget that the true meaning of Christmas is about coming together. And sharing. And that's why I brought you this little reminder.
Jill: Mistletoe.
Santa: That's right, Jill. Let's see if it works. [kisses Jill on the cheek]
Jill: Thank you, Santa.
Tim: Don't look at me, man.