Mark: How does Santa get gifts for everyone in the world in one bag?
Tim: Jill?
Jill: Well, honey, he folds them.
Mark: Folds them?
Tim: Yeah, he folds them, then he has Mrs. Claus sit on the bag so he can tie it shut.
Mark: That doesn't sound right. How do you fold goldfish? How do you fold a pony?
Tim: Well, there's a quarter horse...

Tim: You know, the only problem I have with Christmas trees, you spend so much time decorating the front of it. You never get to see the back of it. So I got this idea from an old college turntable. Maybe we could motorize this thing. So I used a ten-amp, heavy-duty synchronous motor, triple-reduction gears and a four-to-one final drive...
Al: Well, excuse me, Tim. Are you sure you connected the spur gear to the final drive instead of the motor output shaft?
Tim: AI, I'm insulted. You know who you're talking to?
Al: Yes, I do, Tim.
Tim: There's more than one way to do it, AI. Lisa, plug it in for me.
Lisa: Sure thing, Tim.
Al: Well, it's just that...
Tim: AI, please? [the tree rotates slowly]
Al: Well, son of a gun.
Tim: When you know what you're doing, folks, anything is possible.
[After two flashes and bangs, the tree rotates rapidly sending the ornaments flying off in all directions]
Tim: Incoming!

Mark: Mom, can I have another piece of paper?
Jill: Honey, that Christmas list looks a little long. Let me see that. You know, I don't think that Santa's going to be able to bring you everything on this list 'cause that would make his sleigh too heavy.
Mark: Uh... I'll cross off the heaviest things.
Jill: OK.
Mark: Cocker spaniel. Bye, floppy.
Jill: You know, I think that you should pick out the thing that you really want and put a star next to that.
Mark: Okay, the remote-control dinosaur.

Brad: Randy, he's making a list for Santa Claus.
Randy: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus. Kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Randy: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
Mark: You're lying. Who drinks the milk and eats the chocolate-chip cookies that I leave out for him?
Brad: Oh, Dad. He loves chocolate-chip cookies.
Mark: You guys are poopheads.

Fireman #1: You know, Mr. Taylor, It kind of surprised me when I saw that hammer hanging out of your mouth there. I didn't mean to laugh.
Tim: [slurred] That's all right.
Fireman #1: You know, Mr. Taylor, we watch your show all the time. I think it's really great.
Tim: Thanks very much.
Fireman #2: Why didn't you have AI here to help you?
Fireman #1: Yeah. I mean, he's really good on the show. I love that guy.
Tim: Oh, we all love that guy.

Tim: [on the phone] Hello. Detroit Edison? Yeah, this is Dr. Johnson here at 562 Glenview Road. Yeah, my wife and I are heading out to dinner. Could you shut the power off in exactly two hours? What? Oh, hi, Eddie. I tried this last year, huh? Didn't work then, either, did it? Yes, the firemen got me down. Oh, my tongue's fine, Ed. Thanks for asking. And a merry Christmas to you. See you. [hangs up] Whoa, oh, hi, honey.
Jill: You were going to turn the power off in the house of a 76-year-old retired proctologist?
Tim: If I could have gotten away with it, yes.

Jill: You're pathetic.
Tim: I'm pathetic?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: How about the church pageant, with you?
Jill: Hey, I'm just trying to build up their self-esteem.
Tim: Making 'em go out dressed like the Gabor sisters?

Mark: Mom? Dad? Brad and Randy said Santa died six years ago.
Jill: They told you that he was dead?
Tim: Well, that was a little extreme, son. I think he's old, but he's not dead.
Mark: So Santa's alive?
Jill: Yeah. You sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How can he be at every one?
Tim: He's real fast for a fat guy.

Wilson: Feliz Navidad, seńor Tim.
Tim: Feliz Ańo Nuevo to you, Mr. Wilson.
Wilson: Beautiful night tonight. Feels like more snow.
Tim: Boy, I hope not. I gotta finish putting those decorations on the roof.
Wilson: Well, I figured Jill might have put the kibosh on those decorations after that little mishap with your tongue.
Tim: Hey, it's my house, my roof, my decorations. I do what I want around here, Wilson.
Wilson: What time did Jill leave, Tim?
Tim: About ten minutes ago.

Jill: OK, guys, enough, enough. I think I got a little carried away making that costume and coaching him.
Tim: What happened, honey?
Jill: Oh, well, Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper cos he added some lines.
Brad: Yeah, he doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID.
Randy: They made me a sheep.