Al: Now, the underside of this table has been painted, so, Marv, if you wanna come down here... What we're gonna do is chip away a little bit of the paint there, find out what we're dealing with. It's maple, one of my favorite types of wood.
Tim: Yeah, and syrup. Ha-ha-ha.
Al: All right, so next step after you've identified the type of wood is, uh, stripping the wood. Now, obviously, we've stripped this side. We used Insta-Strip by Binford.
Tim: After you finish stripping, acknowledge your applause, gather up your clothes and head back to your trailer.

Al: Before you sand this table, will you reimburse me? [Tim starts sanding the table with the drill attachment] It's stuck in the middle! Move it around! Don't leave it in one spot! You'll wreck it!
Tim: How do you know? [Tim stops sanding and finds a large circular hole in the table] Now all we need is a square peg. Al, hop in!

Randy: Well, you're allowed to gawk, aren't you, Dad?
Tim: I don't gawk. I've got all the babe I need right upstairs.
Randy: Does Mom know about her?
Tim: All right, wise guy, come here and look at these. Who's that?
Brad: Whoa! She's a babe!
Tim: She's your mom!
Brad: I just called my mom a babe.

Randy: Who's the good-looking guy next to her in this picture?
Tim: That would be... not me.
Randy: There's a lot of "not you's" in this box, Dad.
Tim: The important thing is, I'm with her now, beanhead.
Brad: Why would Mom pick you out of all these good-looking guys?
Tim: I was good-looking as these guys once.
Randy: You had to be better looking than that geek.
Tim: [chuckles] I'd say that geek's pretty good-looking, actually.
Brad: The geek is Dad.

Jill: This is what Tim picked for the carnival.
Ilene: It figures. That's what all men want.
Jill: Oh, no, not Al.
Ilene: Al too. Last time we went miniature golfing, there was a woman ahead of us wearing a skin-tight T-shirt. It's the only time I've ever seen Al go 28 over par.

Ilene: All right, let me try. I bet you those aren't even real.
Jill: They're a lot more real than some I've been seeing lately.
Ilene: Excuse me?
Jill: Oh, I'm doing research for that article on plastic surgery. You know what, I even have this computer program that shows you how you can change your appearance. You gotta see this. You can change your lips, your butt, your thighs, your waist, anything. Here, let me... Yeah, well... OK, watch this. That's amazing. Now watch this. If you press B, your breasts just get bigger and more torpedo-like.
Ilene: Ew, isn't that gross?

Jill: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You just saw that picture of me and said "Wow" with your tongue hanging out.
Tim: I did not. You can't say "Wow" with your tongue hanging out... Wuhhhow.
Ilene: I guess this'd be a good time for me to be going. Bye, Tim.
Tim: Bwye. Swee you later.
Jill: Thank you so much for helping me with all the cupcakes.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, I love cupcakes. Big, ample cupcakes.

Tim: Jill, you gotta see this. Now I know why they call it "the boob tube." Look at this.
Jill: Tim, what are you doing?
Tim: I'm just playing around with the thing.
Jill: They look like hot-air balloons. You could travel around the world with those.
Tim: Look out, honey, they're gonna blow!
Jill: Could you be any more obnoxious?
Tim: Is that a request? I'm just playing with the thing.
Jill: Tim, there are women whose self-esteem is so low, they're actually doing this to their bodies.
Tim: That is horrible. Sorry. Now, how would I make your butt a little smaller? [off Jill's look] Maybe I'll just sleep down here tonight.

Jill: You are so far off. Let me show you my ideal Tim.
Tim: That's it?
Jill: Yeah. Tim... it's you that I find sexy. And whatever changes that you go through, I'm gonna find those sexy, too. Even if you look like this. [makes Tim bald and his shoulders droop]
Tim: Yikes.
Jill: Or this. [adds an overhanging gut] OK, I've told you how I feel. I wanna know how you feel. Do you want me the way I look now, or would you like me to get my tummy tucked, my face lifted and breasts enlarged?
Tim: The way you are now.
Jill: Thank you.
Tim: Hey. Just out of curiosity... what would the other version cost us, the whole package, out the door? [Jill walks away] Maybe I should just live down here.

Tim: Yesterday, we told you how to take an old beat-up table and turn it into fine furniture.
Al: Unfortunately, Tim turned it into less valuable sawdust.
Tim: Luckily, Al was able to buy us a new table.
Al: I did not buy this table.
Tim: But don't be too surprised if it shows up on your credit-card bill.