Brad: Whoa! Check out this babe on Dad's hot-rod magazine.
Randy: Whoa. One question. Who works on a car in a bikini and high heels?
Tim: I do. [hits head on pipe] Oh! Unless I'm working under the car. Then I go with a halter top and flats. You guys are supposed to be working on the basement, not gawking at my car magazines.
Brad: Dad, we've been working all morning. We needed a babe break.
Tim: Don't call her that. She's got a name. Ohh... That's Miss Dual Exhaust 1984.

Tim: I thought you're done with your research. Why is the computer hooked up?
Jill: Come over here. I want you to see something.
Tim: Hey, there's a good-looking guy.
Jill: Here. Take this keyboard and show me what you think is my ideal Tim.
Tim: Sounds like fun. What do I gotta do?
Jill: Oh, you hit D for delts, B for biceps, W for waist, P for pecs.
Tim: Are you sure P is for pecs?
Jill: Just press the P.
Tim: There we go. "The Timinator."

Tim: Something burning out here, Wilson?
Wilson: No need to be alarmed, Tim. I'm just smoking a fish.
Tim: Regular or menthol?
Wilson: No, no, Tim. I'm curing an Alaskan salmon. My only concern is what wine to have it with.
Tim: Love to help you, but I got a concern of my own. It started with me turning Jill's breasts into hot-air balloons and getting kind of excited about it.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think you've finally found a problem that's out of my realm of expertise.

Tim: A lot of us have tables like this around the house. A little beat-up, nicks, scratches, stains all over it.
Al: That's right. So what you wanna do is sand it down... with a normal-size sander. Refinish it, you'll have yourself a brand-new table.
Tim: I can't do this to this table.
Al: It's all right, Tim. I'll do it.
Tim: No. I am surprised and shocked that you're so superficial.
Al: What are you talking...? You're superficial!
Tim: Maybe on the surface. Tool Time isn't just about home improvement. It's also about male improvement. You see, man, by nature, is just a naked ape, chain-smoking salmon. Now, our instincts would be to make this table new, make it look new with plastic filler in all the nicks. What we should do is learn to appreciate the natural beauty inherent in this wood, and over the years, it's become nothing but deeper, richer and warmer. And more interesting.
Al: What are you saying, Tim?
Tim: I'm saying this table is perfect the way it is.
Al: So our project today is to stand here and stare at this table.
Tim: No. We could pour oil on it, rub it affectionately and show the table how we love it. Rub with me, Al.

Tim: Did you watch Tool Time today?
Jill: No.
Tim: Too bad. We had a table on that reminded me of you.
Jill: Why, was it big, flat, old and dented?
Tim: Actually, it was quite lovely. Its warmth and color and character made it even more beautiful than when it was new. Al wanted to refinish it, but I really liked that table just the way it was.
Jill: Oh, Tim... It's gorgeous.
Tim: Just like you. It expands in the middle. Not like you. It has extra leaves, so if we have company...

Tim: I had one of the computer guys at work help me with that program.
Jill: Oh, no.
Tim: Oh, come on, come on. Sit down. Let's see if I remember. This is us...
Jill: That's us?
Tim: That's us in 2446.
Jill: So we're, what, 400-some years old?
Tim: 450 years old. That's why we're not movin'. [Jill laughs] The point is, no matter how paunchy or wrinkly we get, we're still gonna be together and love each other.
Jill: So I guess that just proves that love is blind.
Tim: And there's good news. Our 425-year-old kids have finally left the house. So we can just sit around naked all day.
Jill: No, that is a pretty picture. Two wrinkled-up old prunes just lying around together.

Jill: Tim, I have thousands of those things to make. I can't believe you're not gonna pitch in and help with this carnival.
Tim: I did pitch in. Don't forget about my "Stump The Tool Man" booth.
Jill: How could I forget? Last year, you kept getting stumped by that 12-year-old.

Mark: What are you guys doing?
Randy: We're doing our taxes. What does it look like we are doing?
Tim: I got winner.
Mark: I was here first. I've got winner.
Randy: There's no way we're playing you. You stink.
Brad: You stink even worse than Dad.
Tim: Hey, a little respect. I stink the most.

Tim: When you guys are down there cleaning that basement, don't touch those hot-rod magazines. That's your inheritance.

Tim: Hi, Jill.
Jill: Hi. I just heard the most depressing story.
Tim: I suppose you're gonna share it with me?
Jill: Yes, I am. You know, I've been researching that article on plastic surgery. I just interviewed a woman who bought herself a whole new body because her husband left her for a younger woman. They were married 12 years, had four kids.
Tim: She made a big mistake.
Jill: I'm glad you feel that way.
Tim: Yeah. Had she had this surgery some time ago, she could have saved the marriage.
Jill: You've come a long way, Tim.