Brad: But, Mom, I don't wanna go another time. It's gonna be great skiing conditions. A lot of kids from school are gonna be there.
Jill: Honey, I can tell this is important to you, but this family is always together at Christmas. Even that year when your father fell down the chimney, we were together. We were in the emergency room, but we were together.

Brad: Dad, it's just one Christmas. I mean, it's not that big a deal.
Tim: Well, it is to your mom and to me and to me. I can't believe you'd be this selfish. Listen to me. Um... In a couple years, you'll be 18. You'll be off to college... or a good trade school. And we won't see you.
Brad: But, Dad, I'll come home.
Tim: Yeah, you'll come home a couple Christmases, but then you'll get married, and I'll never see you. I mean, look at your Mom and me. Your mom's family lives in Texas, mine's in Colorado. We never see our families for holidays. You just don't know how many Christmases we have together, right? I won't be around forever.
Brad: What do you mean?
Tim: Face the facts. You've seen the stunts I pull on Tool Time. I can't keep dodging the bullet.

Jill: Gee! I don't know, Tim. There's an awful lot of lights here. We'll have to take out a mortgage to pay the electric bill.
Brad: All right, Dad. Let her rip.
Jill: No, wait a minute. I think we should say a prayer first. Please, Lord, don't let our house blow up. Amen.
Tim: Amen.

Tim: You a little confused on the holidays?
Wilson: Hmm?
Tim: Halloween's over. You can put away the witch's broom.
Wilson: Oh, Tim, this is not a witch's broom. This is a julenek.
Tim: A what-a-nek?
Wilson: A julenek. It's a Scandinavian Christmas tradition. Families bind sheaves of grain to a long spruce pole, and that provides nourishment for the sparrows in the winter.
Tim: I wish I could bind up Doc Johnson and twist his little julenek.
Wilson: Well, Tim, that's hardly the Christmas spirit.

Tim: How does that guy keep beating me to the punch?
Wilson: Well, maybe the good doctor's got ESP.
Tim: Now, what does having a cable sports channel have to do with this?
Wilson: No, I'm talking about extrasensory perception. The ability to read someone else's mind.
Tim: Really?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: Maybe he should try reading this.

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Thinks He's Getting A Christmas Bonus" Borland. Well, as you all can see, it's yule time on Tool Time. Before we get into our project today, we have a special feature for you.
Al: That's right, Tim. Binford stocking stuffers. There's nothing that says "Peace on Earth" better than a Binford power tool.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Doesn't Al just jingle your bell sometimes? Heidi, the stocking stuffers, please. ["Deck the Halls" instrumental plays]
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Now, stocking stuffers usually... [music continues] generally have... Ooh, boy. Klaus! Whoo-hoo! Thank you. Stocking stuffers sometimes are difficult to pick out for men. But Binford has made it easy this year with stuff like this. The new Binford mini propane torch. Huh? Stand back. Stand back. It's small, but portable enough you can fit it in a pocket. Whoa! Wouldn't put it in there, though. You can remove facial hair with it. You can do a little soldering on the house, melt glass tubing, or if your wife's out, melt her earrings down and make handy fishing lures out of them.
Al: Also, we have the Binford 6100 digital torque wrench.
Tim: It'll be the torque of the town this Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.
Al: That's right. They'll also be torquing about... [chuckles] the new Binford fiberoptic flexible flashlight.
Tim: Now, as odd as it seems, this is actually a great gift for guys. This thing can find auto parts strewn around the garage, look in dirty pipes or any dark, dusty area you have. [Al shines it in Tim's ear]
Al: In one ear, out the other.
Tim: Just like your job, Al. In one day, out the other. Now, finally, for the man without a vice, a vise. The Binford Bench Buddy 2000. It's got a swiveling base, serrated steel jaws and a clamping capacity of seven and one-half inches. [grunts "Jingle Bells"]
Al: Well, actually, Tim, the... The bench vise is too big to be a stocking stuffer.
Tim: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, are you ever right. If you want to stuff that into a stocking, you need a special stocking, like this one. Like one of Al's mom's thermal hunting socks. Don't let her in here. [lights dim; loud thudding] It's your mom, Al.

Tim: Jill, what would you say if I told you that Doc Johnson has dancing elves up on his roof?
Jill: I'd say he'd better get those elf traps out right away.
Tim: I'm talking about the neighborhood decorating contest. I hate to say it, but I think I might lose.
Jill: You've lost nine years in a row. I'd think you'd be used to it by now.
Tim: This year, I had a really good feeling about winning. It's the oddest thing. Every decoration I put up, Doc Johnson's put up before me.
Jill: Ah, it's just a coincidence.
Tim: Coincidence? I went to put a plastic Santa up there today... and guess what old Doc Johnson's got up on his roof.
Jill: Chimney?
Tim: A plastic Santa.
Jill: Gosh, I wonder what made him think of using a Santa Claus as a decoration at Christmas.
Tim: [groans] I'll tell you what else he's got up there. My seven swans a-swimming and my six geese a-laying.
Jill: [sings] And a tool man in a nut tree.

Brad: Guys, guess what. Tom Wheeler's family invited me to go skiing at Boyd Mountain.
Tim: All right! Boyd Mountain! I love it up there. Tobogganing, skiing, fractures, sprains, broken bones, laying at the bottom of the hill in a stretcher... [grunts] Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Jill: When are you going?
Brad: Well, that's kinda what I need to talk to you about.
Tim: Well, it better not be this weekend. We're running a Tool Time marathon. 40 straight hours of Tim and Al high jinks.
Jill: It's also Christmas.
Tim: It's also Christmas.

Tim: Reverend, the lights look a little dim on the tree. I could boost the power, get some lights for the service.
Reverend: No. No, thank you, Tim. I don't think tonight is the night to test our new sprinkler system.

Al: Merry Christmas.
Jill: Here, scooch over. I'll make room.
Al: Oh, don't crowd. I'll just take a pew behind you.
Tim: Most people use the bathroom, Al.