Tim: Honey, this isn't fair. He's stealing all my lighting ideas.
Jill: Tim, you really think Doc Johnson has nothing better to do than spy on you?
Tim: He's a retired proctologist. Spying on us is a lot more fun than what he used to do.

Randy: I think I know where Doc Johnson's been getting his information.
Tim: Me too. I think it's your mom. She's a double agent.
Randy: No. He's been getting his information from me.
Tim: Wait a minute. Say that again.
Randy: Well, you see, I was talking to Doc Johnson's granddaughter, Lauren, and I kind of mentioned a few things.
Tim: I can't believe you'd do that. You know there's no secret more important than a family's lighting strategy.
Randy: She's really cute. She kept pumping me for information. No matter how hard I tried to resist, I couldn't.
Tim: Mmm. Been there. She smile at you like this?
Randy: If she'd smiled at me like that, I would've thrown up.

Tim: Brad, what do you mean you're not going?
Brad: Well, if I can't go skiing, I don't see why I have to go to church.
Tim: Because God said, "Come and worship," not, "Go and slalom."

Jill: Honey, you can't stay home. Mark's gonna sing tonight.
Brad: So?
Tim: So get up and get dressed for church. Be down in five minutes.
Brad: Why? Because Mom wants the whole stupid family to be together?
Tim: Oh, so now we're a stupid family?
Jill: Hey, Brad, if that's your attitude, stay home.
Tim: No, no. We're not letting him off that easy.
Jill: Tim, if he's gonna be pouty and obnoxious, I'd just as soon he didn't ruin Christmas Eve for us.
Brad: You've already ruined it for me.
Jill: I am so sorry.
Tim: All right, well, you stay in your room. I don't want you sneaking downstairs to watch that Tool Time marathon.

Reverend: You know, Tim, I've never seen you at church without your earplug. No football game on tonight?
Tim: That was one Sunday, all right, Reverend.
Reverend: I know.
Tim: And I-I-I pray during halftime.
Jill: Yeah, I remember that prayer. "O heavenly Father, please let the Lions kick butt."

Tim: "Not feeling well"? You lied in church on Christmas Eve? Watch out for lightning bolts. God doesn't like that stuff.
Jill: At least I'm not begging the Almighty for two touchdowns and a field goal.

Jill: Where's Ilene?
Al: She had an orthodontic emergency at the junior-high Christmas play. Joseph and Mary got their braces stuck together.
Jill: Well, I hope she gets here in time to see Mark.
Al: Oh, I just saw him down the hall in his... his little robe. Boy, you know, I always wanted to be the letter "N."
Tim: That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says "no Al." [sings] No Al, no Al, no Al, no...

Tim: I mean, are you OK?
Jill: No. Mark's singing. It's Christmas. I want the whole family to be together.
Tim: Why'd you make Brad stay home? I'd have loved to drag him here against his will.
Jill: Oh, yeah. That's a great vision for Christmas - the four of us singing hymns, you with Brad in a headlock.
Jill: It just doesn't seem like Christmas without us all being together.
Tim: Excuse me.
Jill: Where are you going?
Tim: Off to the little boys' room to take a pew.

Brad: Jeez, Dad, what are you doing here?
Tim: I came home to get you. My question is, what are you doing with the skis?
Brad: Uh, I... I was gonna donate 'em to the needy.
Tim: Yeah. Yeah, that's just what they need down there at the mission. Food and skis.
Brad: Look, Dad, I explained it all in the note.
Tim: Well, it better be a good one. "Went skiing. Brad."

Al: Well, I checked in every stall in the bathroom - men's and women's. Boy, was Mrs. Lindsay surprised.
Jill: I wonder where he is.
Randy: Well, maybe he decided to go home and set up his Christmas lights.
Jill: Oh, honey, you really think he'd rather set up the lights than hear Mark sing?
Randy: What was I thinking?
[Mark and his choir mates arrange themselves at the alter, their robes reading "LEON"]
Al: Who's Leon?
Randy: Maybe Leon was born in the manger next door.