Lucille: Jeff's new business didn't work out quite as well as he'd hoped, so he's gonna be living here for a while.
Marty: You're kidding?
Tim: I thought everything was on track.
Jeff: Well, I thought so, too, but you know, it's this darn economy.
Tim: The economy hasn't been this good since they sunk the Lusitania.
Marty: I think the world just wasn't ready for a drive-through pet shop.
Tim: It was Wal-Mutt, right?
Jeff: Auto-Pet.

Lucille: Jeff was a just little ahead of his time, that's all. But he's got some great ideas for what he's gonna do next.
Jeff: Yeah, and I haven't forgotten that money I owe you.
Tim: Money? What money?
Jeff: I'll get it paid back to you sooner than you think because I'll be saving a lot of money, you know, living here with Mommy... Mom, Mom!
Marty: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're a grown man who's gonna let his mother cook for him and clean for him, and take care of him when he's sick? You're a lucky S.O.B.

Jill: Did you ask Jeff for the money?
Tim: No. You know that drive-through pet store he had?
Jill: Yeah. What was that called? Cat-In-The-Box.
Tim: He lost his business. He doesn't have any money. He's moving in with Mom.
Mark: A 45-year-old man living with his mother. That's sad.
Randy: Well, you might wanna see where you are in 30 years and then make that call.

Tim: Jeff wants to come over and borrow my finger.
Jill: I won't ask.
Tim: That big foam finger I use at the hockey games? He's got a date. He got front-row seats to see the Red Wings tonight.
Jill: Wait, front-row seats? Isn't that really expensive?
Tim: Yeah. He paid a fortune for 'em. A fortune he could be using to pay me back or maybe give Mom some rent money.
Jill: Well, are you gonna talk to him about it?
Tim: You bet I will. I'll talk to him tonight when I give him the finger.

Jill: Oh, good. Randy, wait, wait. I want you to see this. What do you think? This is pair number one.
Randy: Tres Mr. Magoo.
Jill: Oh. OK, OK, Tim, Tim. What do you think of these?
Tim: They make your butt look big.
Jill: [looks around] They do?
Tim: I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Jill: Oh, my God! They do! They make my butt look big.
Tim: Trust me, honey. Your butt looked just as big before you put 'em on. There's probably a better way to say that.
Jill: Yeah, but don't bother trying to find it. I'm just gonna go up and look in a full-length mirror.
Jeff: You know, if you had different glasses, you wouldn't have to cover that thing.
Jill: Hello to you, too, Jeff.

Tim: Well, I figured out how come Jeff could afford expensive hockey tickets, pay off his loan in cash and open a new business.
Jill: Well, what did he do? Rob a bank?
Tim: Yeah, the Bank of Mom. He got her to crack open her nest egg so he could open a mailbox-and-shipping business.
Jill: Oh, my God. And with Jeff's luck, he'll turn it into another one of those, what, K-Mutts.
Tim: I'm gonna go over to her house after the hockey game and I'm going to tell Mr. Chrome Dome a little about fiscal responsibility. I gotta yell at the guy. I gotta tell him...
Jill: Tim, you can talk to him till you're blue in the face, it's not going to do any good.
Tim: What am I supposed to do about it?
Jill: Maybe I should go over there and beat him up with my big butt.

Lucille: Who is it?
Tim: [over intercom] The FBI, ma'am. I'm here for your strip search.
Lucille: It's all right. It's only Tim.
Alice: I love your son in that show. They should just get rid of the obnoxious one that's always breaking things.
Lucille: I think you're a little mixed-up.
Tim: Hi, Mom. Oh, hi. This broke outside. It wasn't me, I swear. Give me a screwdriver and I'll put it back for you.

Alice: Maybe you should just give up your little TV skits and follow in your brother's footsteps.
Tim: Well, I would, but I'd like to leave my mom some money to retire on.
Jeff: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
Tim: Why are you borrowing money from Mom to start another fly-by-night business? You had to take money from her to pay me off for the last loan.
Jeff: First of all, this is between Mom and me, OK? And second of all, she gave me the money because she thinks my fly-by-night business is a good idea.
Tim: Like... Like Poodle Town?
Jeff: Auto-Pet. And, hey, I don't have to be talked to this way. I'm your older brother, not a child. I'm going to my room.

Tim: I saw your light was on. What are you doing to the Studebaker?
Wilson: Oh, nothing very interesting. Just draining my radiator.
Tim: Well, I'd rather watch that than watch my brother drain my mother.
Wilson: Who wouldn't?
Tim: Jeff got my mom to give him a big loan to start a new business.
Wilson: A new business? Whatever happened to Long John Schnauzer's?

Tim: Look, um, I was out of line for coming down on you, you know. This is none of my business and she has every right to loan you money.
Jeff: How much did she pay you to say that?
Tim: There's nothing left. You cleaned her out.
Jeff: Oh, yeah. Here we go again.
Tim: Oh, Jeff, come on. Seriously, Mom says you've really done your homework on this one and it's a real solid idea.
Jeff: You think so? God, I hope so. I just can't take another failure like Jiffy Pup.
Tim: It was Auto-Pet. And you were just ahead of your time.