Wilson: Well, have you considered talking to your mom?
Tim: I can't talk to my mom about this.
Wilson: Why not?
Tim: Tell her that I think that her oldest son, my brother, is a loser?
Wilson: Well, Tim, if that is the case, it'll hurt her feelings, but isn't that better than seeing her savings wiped out?
Tim: So, what are you saying I should do, just lay it out, put everything on the table?
Wilson: Well, I'm reminded of the famous words, "When in doubt, tell the truth." Samuel Langhorne Clemens.
Tim: That big cartoon rooster? Well, I say, boy... Well, I say, boy...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. See, Samuel Clemens is the real name of Mark Twain, one of America's greatest thinkers.
Tim: Well, that big chicken's pretty smart. Gave that dog a run for his money. I say, boy, I say, boy, that dog is dumber than a sack of wet beans.

Tim: If Mom believes in you, so do I.
Jeff: I appreciate that.
Tim: I'm just telling the truth, like a famous American said we should.
Jeff: What famous American?
Tim: Come on. Samuel Foghorn Leghorn.
Jeff: He was one smart chicken.
Tim: No, I'm talking about Mark Twain. The guy that wrote Huckleberry Hound.
Jeff: When you were a kid, did Mom drop you on your head?
Tim: Yeah. The same day she dunked your head in that vat of Nair.

Wilson: You know, Tim, I can't find the drain plug to this thing. Can you give me a hand?
Tim: It's an old Studebaker. It's over on the left side. You got a lantern?
Wilson: Yep, right here.
Tim: Looks like it came off a ship. Where'd you get it? Off the Titanic?
Wilson: Yes.

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location. And now the star of our show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Whoaaaaa! Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "Yee-Haw Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Mr. Al.
Al: Tim, come on. Where'd you put my shirt? Oh, now, that's not funny.
Tim: It's sad, actually. The shirt's big on the horse.
Heidi: Here you go, Al.
Al: Oh, you guys.

Tim: OK, Delvin, why don't you show us some of the tools of the blacksmith trade?
Delvin Horsted: Well, the most important tool to any blacksmith is his anvil.
Al: That's right. The anvil is where the blacksmith hammers. Now, in the old days these were made out of cast iron. But today they're made out of forged steel.
Tim: [strikes a hammer against the anvil] Boy, that's an obnoxious noise.
Delvin Horsted: I thought this was a tool show.
Al: [chuckles] It is.

Al: So why don't we take a look at these tools right now?
Tim: Ooh, I know all about these.
Delvin Horsted: What do you know about tongs?
Tim: Shh, quiet. It's the Chinese Mafia.
Delvin Horsted: These are 36-inch tongs.
Tim: Oh. The kind that Al's mom wears at the beach.
Delvin Horsted: I use them... I use them to take heavy pieces of metal out of the fire. The length keeps my hands away from the heat.
Tim: That's very important to a blacksmith. That way you keep your hands soft and silky-smooth.
Delvin Horsted: I'm not the one wearing make-up.
Al: [to Tim] Behave yourself.

Al: All right, now that we know something about these tools, why don't we put 'em to work? This is Whiskey Pete, here. Whiskey, how about some new shoes?
Tim: Let's put her in something like an espadrille or a slingback.
Delvin Horsted: This is a horse!
Tim: Of course! Of course!
Al: Delvin, now, what would be the first thing you do when putting on new shoes?
Delvin Horsted: Well, first you take off the old shoe. You get a firm grip on the animal's hoof and pull out the nails with these pliers.
Tim: Let me give that a shot. Hold onto that hoof. I don't want that horse kicking me and turning me into a gelding.
Delvin Horsted: [yells] My thumb! That's it! That's it! Let me show you tool boys something else you can do with tongs.
Horse: We'll be right back after these words from Binford.

Jill: Guys, think about it. Do I look like an old person? Do I act like an old person? Do I move like an old person?
Randy: So many questions, so little time.
Brad: What he said.
Mark: Yeah.
Jill: Oh, come on. I am not old. I am youthful. I am full of youth. I'm vibrant. I'm in my prime.
Tim: Do you want me to hold that from over here?

Lucille: Who is it?
Tim: [over intercocm] It's Avon calling, ma'am. I've got a peach blush that's to die for.

Tim: Hmm. I love what you've done with your hair.
Jeff: Uh-huh.
Tim: Where do you keep it?
Jeff: On your back.