Tim: Raggedy Andy. Brad's got it bad for that girl, Jennifer.
Jill: Aw, if I asked you to wear that costume, you'd do it for me, wouldn't you?
Tim: I don't think so, Jill. [Jill chuckles] Besides, Brad likes Jennifer a lot more than I like you. You wouldn't catch me in any fairy tale outfit because I've got the scariest costume in the Motor City.
Jill: Wrong-o, cherry buns. The rental-house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest-looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 am? [hisses]

Tim: Hey, Randy?
Randy: What?
Tim: Have you seen that meat cleaver around anywhere?
Randy: No, Dad.
Tim: Come on. Really. I've got a splitting headache.
Randy: Dad, don't you ever get tired of that fake meat cleaver gag?
Tim: I got a little surprise for you, fella. It's a real meat cleaver. It's a fake head. [laughs]

Tim: Let's take a look in there real quick, though. What have you got in here, No Beard? OK. We've got eggs, soap, shaving cream. You're gonna hatch one of these? Get a chicken, shave it, and give it a bath?
Randy: Johnny's mom asked us to pick up a few things. She said she didn't have time to go the store.
Tim: Nice try.

Jill: You look so great! These are great costumes. You got a devil, and a ballerina, and a bunny.
Tim: Hey, I don't like the way you're looking at Miss Carrot. Get over there. Get out.

Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, why did Brad leave?
Jill: Well, I don't know. I suppose he's just embarrassed about his costume.
Curtis: Oh, when are you gonna leave?

Jill: You know, this zipper is, like, sticking. I think I had too much punch. Can you fix this for me?
Tim: All right, too much punch. How does this feel?
Jill: Ah! Don't do that! Come on! What are you looking for?
Tim: Vegetable peeler.
Jill: Oh, come on, Tim!

Curtis: Mr. Taylor?
Tim: Yeah, what is it, Curtis?
Curtis: Where's the bathroom?
Tim: Well, for atoms like you, it's down the hall, near the cyclotron.
Jill: You got it?
Tim: You're free.
Jill: [runs to the bathroom] Out of my way, atom boy!

Tim: Don't you wanna come inside and join the rest of us?
Brad: Yeah, I think I'll go in and beat up Danny.
Tim: Aren't you mad at the wrong person?
Brad: I can't beat up Jennifer.
Tim: Oh, I don't know. I think you could take her.
Brad: Dad!

Tim: All right. Go in and talk to her. And remember, the two most important things you can tell a woman are, "I understand."
Brad: I understand?
Tim: Right. Say those two words. They'll forgive you for just about anything.
Brad: Got it.
Tim: Oh, one more thing. Lose the wig and shoes.

Jill: How's Brad?
Tim: He's OK. We had a little man-to-man talk. I shared some of my expertise on women.
Jill: Oh. After that, you talked about neurosurgery?
Tim: No. We talked about how much happier you would have been if you'd married a big cabbage.