Brad: Yesterday after school, we played kickball.
Tim: All right. Got a clue now. You didn't kick her in the face with the ball, did you?
Brad: No.
Tim: Good. 'Cause women really hate that. What did you do?
Brad: I didn't do anything. Besides, why does it have to be my fault?
Tim: Son, it's always our fault.
Brad: Why didn't she just tell me? She said I should know.
Tim: She didn't tell you because... women aren't as smart as they think they are. They don't realize how little we actually know.

Danny: This isn't scary. It's totally lame. [The kids scream as Mark runs out in a costume] Oh, come on, Jennifer. That's just Brad's dumb little brother.
Mark: It is not me.

Jill: Wait, wait! Watch out! Watch out! That's chains! What could it be? [gasps] It's Nanastein!
Tim: Mother-in-law from beyond the grave. [coughs] I seem to have hocked up a little maggot.
All: Ew.
Tim: Now I want to kiss a little kid. Come here! [kids scream]
Danny: This is pathetic. You're in a dress. Your son's a doll. And your wife's a radish.
Jill: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables.

Al: Well, Tim, your haunted house was a huge success. I've gotta hand it to you.
Tim: With what?
Wilson: Oh, thank you, Nanastein. You are looking so youthful this evening.
Tim: Well, it's probably that new moisturizer, that Formaldehyde of Olay.

Jill: [o.s.] I hope you're watching those monkey skulls. They shouldn't get too soft.
Tim: Shoot!
Jill: [o.s.] Oh, no. I hope you didn't ruin them.
Tim: No, they're all right. Monkey's are fine, but that organ grinder's a little crispy in there.

Al: Tim, there doesn't seem to be any... Tim? Tim?
Tim: Tim's not here anymore. [screams as he runs at Al wearing a Halloween mask] Gotcha pretty good, didn't I?
Al: Yes, Tim. I'm quaking.
Tim: That's a good mask. Who are you supposed to be?
Al: I'm Al.
Tim: [screams] It's an Al!

Randy: What are you guys doing?
Jill: I'm making the food for Brad's Halloween party. Perhaps you would like to try some dirt and worms. [screams]
Randy: Mom, please tell me I'm adopted.
Jill: Mmm! Delicious.

Tim: Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about the insurance salesman for awhile. [laughs]
Randy: How's the haunted house?
Tim: Haunted house? Come on, I've designed the Catacombs of Terror.
Randy: Can we take a look?
Tim: It's pretty scary and dangerous there. Are either of you pregnant or wearing a pacemaker?
Randy: No.
Tim: [mocking] No.

Tim: What do I do?
Jill: OK, I want you to put these grapes into this tapioca.
Tim: What's that supposed to be?
Jill: Eyeballs and pus. Mm!
Tim: Home cooking, huh? Wait, wait, wait, wait. If I put green food coloring in here, it would look infected.
Jill: Oh, that's good. That's real good. Do that.

Randy: Hey, why are you wearing a mop on your head?
Brad: Shut up, geek.
Mark: I think your costume looks great.
Brad: Oh, if you like it, I'm dead.