Al: Are you through joking around?
Tim: Yes. I was just trying to stay awake till we get to the good part. The tools. Al, tell us about the tools.
Al: All right, well, these are the tools of the trade when putting in carpet. What we have here is a porcupine roller, duckbill shears...
Tim: What? Are you laying carpet at the zoo?
Al: Yes, I'm carpeting the zoo. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of putting in walrus-to-walrus carpeting. [audience laugh and applaud]

Tim: I can't do three o'clock. I got Tool Time till 3:30. Push it back to 4:15.
Jill: No, can't do that. I got a class at 4:30. Can you leave there at 3:15 and make it there by 3:30?
Tim: No, not if I'm taking Randy to football practice at 3:45. Brad's got saxophone at four. And isn't Mark's distemper shot tomorrow?
Jill: Flu shot.
Tim: Whatever.

Al: Linoleum was invented in 1860 by Frederick Walton of England. Now, he discovered that linseed oil, when left out in the open air, became kind of a rubbery-like substance, very suitable for floor coverings.
[Tim puts on a sleeping cap, takes out a candle and a hot drink]
Al: Now, because linseed oil is from the flax plant, Mr. Walton decided to call his product "linoleum."
[Tim blows his candle out and lays down on the work bench]
Al: From the Latin words linum for "flax," and oleum for "oil." He also went on to invent a straight-line inlay machine, so he was able to produce his linoleum in various patterns. Well! That's all for our history on linoleum, unless you'd have something you'd like to add... Tim? [Tim fusses in his sleep] All right! Well, please join us tomorrow when we're back here with the much-anticipated climax, "Floor Coverings of the Future," or: "The Vinyl Frontier."

Tim: Is schoolwork getting too hard for you?
Mark: No.
Tim: Too easy?
Mark: No.
Tim: Are you concerned about Mom going back to school?
Mark: No.
Tim: Is that kid in front bugging you again?
Mark: No.
Tim: Kid behind you?
Mark: No.
Tim: Are you worried about male pattern baldness?

Mark: Hey, Brad?
Brad: Yeah?
Mark: Can I ask you something?
Brad: What?
Mark: How do you get moved from the back of the class to the front of the class?
Brad: Well, why would you want to go to the front? I don't know if you've noticed, but that's where the teacher is.

Jill: Oh, honey. I've been thinking. I shouldn't be putting pressure on you. You know, if you want to talk, I'm always here to listen, but if you don't, I'm fine with that too.
Mark: I want to talk.
Jill: Good. Sit down. Pour your little heart out.
Mark: I can't see the board at school. I think I need glasses.
Jill: Is that what's bothering you? That's not so bad.
Mark: It's bad to me.
Jill: Honey, lots of kids wear glasses.
Mark: You don't understand. Some of the kids already think I'm a dork. If I get glasses, all of them will.
Jill: Nobody thinks you're a dork.
Mark: Then why do they call me "dork"?

Jill: Look, tomorrow, we'll go and we'll get your eyes checked, and if you need glasses, we'll just make sure that you get some really cool frames.
Mark: You think I'd look good in aviator glasses?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'd fly anywhere with you.
Mark: Thanks, Mom.
Jill: Honey. It makes me feel so good that we still have our special bond. You know, that you feel comfortable coming to me when you need to talk.
Mark: Well, you were the only one home.

Al: And so, in conclusion, I'd like to emphasize once again... Thank you, Heidi. That if your home is lightly trafficked, you can't go wrong with a Saxony plush carpet. As you can see, it's very luxurious, and has a nice nap.
Tim: I think the audience just had a nice nap.
Al: I think not. Choosing a carpet is a very important decision. It's something you live with and walk on for years.
Tim: So are you, Al.
Al: On the other hand, if your carpet is heavily trafficked, well, you can't go wrong with a nice Berber. And here we have a lovely example. A nice wheat-colored Berber.
Tim: And Berber's nice 'cause you don't have to cut it. You just go to a Berber shop.

Tim: These tools are fine if you're laying a small piece of carpet in a hallway or den, but what if we want to carpet a larger area?
Al: And that would be?
Tim: The Silverdome. How long do you think it would take to lay Astroturf using these wimpy tools? You wouldn't get past the ten-yard line. Porcupine roller. This wouldn't do diddly for a large area. What we need is a "more power" porcupine. Heidi, my "more power" porcupine, please. Oh! Oh!

Mark: I don't think we should be steaming open the letter. My teacher said to give it to Mom and Dad.
Brad: We're doing this for you, dork.
Randy: Yeah, if you don't know what the teacher said, then you don't know what lie to tell to Mom and Dad.
Mark: I don't have to lie. I didn't do anything.
Randy: Right, Mark. Teachers always send home notes like that. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, Mark didn't do anything. Just wanted to try the new pen."