Al: Wow, look at this place! It's so hip and happening. What am I doing here?
Tim: Same thing every other guy is doing. Trying to find a nice, decent woman in a meat market.
Al: All the women are so beautiful. What are they gonna want with me?
Tim: I don't know. Why don't you ask those two girls over there looking at you.
Al: Come with me. You don't need me, you're a celebrity.
Kathy: Hi.
Al: Uh, Tim, I believe you had something to say?
Tim: Hi.
Al: [chuckles] Yeah, that was it.

Kathy: Hi. I'm Kathy.
Donna: I'm Donna. And, you would be...
Tim: [laughs] Good one, huh? You are obviously from out of town?
Donna: No, actually, we've lived in Detroit all our lives.
Al: Oh, well, have you seen a show called Tool Time?
Both: No.
Kathy: What is it?
Tim: It's a very popular television show.
Kathy: Oh, really?
Donna: Cool.
Al: And I'm the star.

Tim: What are you thinking about? You got me into a date!
Al: Well, I, I wanted to see Kathy again and I didn't want Donna to feel left out. And you... You were so cold to her, she probably thinks you're not interested.
Tim: I'm not interested, I'm married, you idiot!
Al: Well, that's no excuse for bad manners.
Tim: Let's talk about bad manners. Lying for two hours saying you hosted Tool Time?
Al: Okay, well, I did, but I can clear all that up tomorrow night on our date.
Tim: Perfect. While you're clear that up, you can clear up why I'm not gonna be there.
Al: No, no, no, you have to come with me. Just fly with me one more time, you're my copilot.
Tim: I'm not going to spend the night here with a beautiful woman who worships the ground I stand on. I'm gonna spend the night with my wife.

Randy: Hey, Dad, you all ready for your big date tonight?
Tim: It's not a date, I'm actually breaking up with her tonight.
Mark: Already?
Brad: That was a short romance.
Tim: There was never a romance, there never will be a romance.
Randy: Well, not with that attitude.
Tim: Fellas, the only reason I'm going down there tonight, is I don't trust Al to tell that woman I'm married.
Brad: Maybe it's just me, but shouldn't you have told her you're married on the first date?
Mark: And you're supposed to be our role model.

Al: So, Kathy, what is it like working for a company that manufactures spools?
Kathy: It's great.
Al: Really? Where do you learn about spools? Spool school? [Al and the women laugh]
Tim: I'm gonna tell her the truth right now.
Al: And then you go to graduate spool?

Donna: So, Tim, how do you feel about marriage?
Tim: Hate it.
Donna: Wow, how about kids?
Tim: I had a vasectomy.
Donna: Really? That is terrific.
Tim: Well, it's not as much fun as it sounds.

Tim: Hey, before we eat-
Al: Hey, Tim, look! Tiger prawns.
Tim: Before we eat, I want to make a confession.
Kathy: You're not really on TV, are you?
Al: No, no, we are. But, Tim is actually the star.
Tim: Yeah, they call me "The Tool Man."
Donna: Ooh, I bet they do.
Tim: They call me the married tool man.

Al: You see, I, I was recovering from a break-up and I was feeling uneasy about dating again. So, I asked Tim to...
Kathy: Deceive my best friend? And you lied to me.
Al: Well, I hope this doesn't affect our future.
Kathy: It can't. Because there is no future.
Al: Just checking.

Al: Well, this singles thing is a lot tougher than I thought. I should never have lied to her.
Tim: No, you shouldn't have lied to her. But, she liked you for a while.
Al: She did, didn't she?
Tim: It was a good first step.
Al: And if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been here to take that. Thanks to you, Tim, I I've gained my confidence back! And I learned something about spools.

Al: Hi, I'm Al Borland and I would like to buy you a drink.
Woman: Oh, I don't drink. Mostly I just sit here building forts out of swizzle sticks.
[Al gives Tim the thumbs up]