TV Quotes

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Thank you, studio audience. Welcome to Tool Time. I am who I am, I am Tim "The Tool Man." And, of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [applause] Today we've got a great show. We're talking about sharpening tools, 'cause as we all know, a dull tool is a useless tool.
Al: And nobody wants a dull, useless tool. So what do they do? They just replace it with a more exciting, probably better looking tool.
Tim: Or they sharpen it. Which is what Al and I will do today, showing you how to sharpen with this professional knife-sharpening system... Al? Got a minute?
Al: Got the whole rest of my life. It'll just be me, all alone with my tools.
Tim: A guy could do worse.
Tim: Let's start with garden tools, can we? The simplest way to do that is use a two grit whetstone. Al?
Al: Huh?
Tim: What's the matter with you? Are you on that all-corn diet again?
Al: Uh, to sharpen your garden tool, you'll wanna take the whetstone, uh, across the surface of the blade, in strong, smooth strokes, following the, the curve of the blade.
Tim: In a former life, Al was a motivational speaker.

Tim: Let's talk about knives, these are chef's knives, stainless steel with carbon in them. They're very expensive, so it's a good rule of thumb not to use too much pressure. The pressure must be exact.
Al: Well, what do you know about pressure? You know. I'm almost 40 and I'm still single.
Tim: You keep this up, you'll be 40, single and unemployed.
Tim: As I said, these knives are pricey, and you want to pay attention, Al.
Al: I know what I'm doing.
Tim: I'm just saying, with proper care, these tools can always be a precision cutting instrument.
[Sparks fly as Al puts a knife in the sharpener. When he pulls it out, the blade is half the size it was.]

Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Al: Down?
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.

Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Tim: Al.
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.