Jill: You are just so selfish! You only take care of me when it doesn't Interfere with your schedule. [sniffs] Oh, God!
Tim: That's not true.
Jill: Yes, it is true. Well, how about when you went to that hardware convention, and I had laryngitis?
Tim: You never said anything.
Jill: Well, what about when I had my wisdom teeth out?
Tim: I took care of you a hundred percent.
Jill: You did not. Brad emptied my spit bucket. Randy changed the gauze. Mark mashed my food. What exactly did you do?
Tim: Someone had to get the TV Guide.
Jill: You're so pathetic! You know, you take better care of your car than you do of me.
Tim: Taking care of the car is like taking care of you. What if you were so sick l had to drive you to the hospital?
Jill: I am sick! And you know what? I think that you resent me for that. You do.
Tim: I don't resent you for that. I just wonder why you get sick on Super Bowl Sunday.

Al: All right, let's go. We told Jill we'd leave after the first touchdown.
Benny: We can't go now, it's just getting exciting.
Tim: No, you gotta go now. Come on. Come on. Jill's gotta get back in bed, guys.
Benny: All right, she can have the bed. But we get the TV.
Tim: Listen, this is not a hostage situation. Come on, guys.

Tim: I got another TV. We'll watch this down in the den.
Harry: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you nuts? You expect us to watch the biggest game of the year on the world's smallest TV do you?
Tim: I'll have you know the reception on here is great. Look at this. Huh? Huh? Look at the pass. Look at that.
Benny: Unbelievable. He must have thrown the ball a quarter of an inch.

Tim: Hey, yo, Wilson. You got any batteries? Yo!
Wilson: Why, I certainly do, Tim. I got Cs, Ds. I got nine volts. I have one made out of a potato.
Tim: Regular or alkaline?
Wilson: ldaho.
Tim: I need some AAs, four of 'em.
Wilson: Tim, I'm so sorry. I'm all out of those.
Tim: Great. Perfect day. All I wanted to do today was do what every other guy's doing on this Sunday, watch the Super Bowl.
Wilson: Oh, is that today?

Tim: Maybe I should whip some up for Jill. She doesn't think I take care of her very well.
Wilson: Well, Tim, it's not uncommon for men to have difficulty being nurturers.
Tim: Yeah, tell me about it. When I was seven years old, a little sparrow fell out of a tree in our backyard. I tried to make it feel better. I stroked its little head for four hours, you know.
Wilson: Oh. What happened?
Tim: I think I pet it too hard. One of the eyes popped right out. But I buried it in a nice shoebox.
Wilson: At least you made the effort, Tim.

Tim: Feeling better?
Jill: No.
Tim: You'll feel better when you see what I got you.
Jill: What did you get me?
Tim: Going along with your doctor theme, I got... Dr. No. Let's see, uh, Doctor Dolittle. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Doctor Naughty and the Night Nurses... Oops!

Tim: But I also spent an hour making this special tea. It's supposed to cure nausea. I think you'll love it. It's real hot, be careful.
Jill: Does it have caffeine in it?
Tim: No.
Jill: Good, 'cause I don't want to get a buzz.
Tim: You might get a buzz. You might even get hives. That tea's made out of boiled bees.
Jill: [spits] Oh, come on.
Tim: No, come on, it's an ancient Chinese remedy for nausea. Wilson gave it to me. It's not easy working with bees, let me tell you. Look at that, huh? Some of those bees were still alive.
Jill: Oh, Tim. Is this your idea of taking care of me?
Tim: It's better than rubbing your head for four hours, and you ending up dead in a shoebox.

Jill: Tim... All I want is for you to be attentive and comfort me. Why is that so hard for you?
Tim: I don't know. I feel so useless when you're sick. When something's broken, I like to take it apart and fix it. But I can't do that with you.
Jill: You'd probably put me back together wrong.
Tim: Maybe. Probably end up with an eye down there by your knee. A nose in your eye. Then you could smell what you're looking at.

Jill: Honey, I know how important this Super Bowl party thing is to you, but I'm really gonna need you to take care of me today.
Tim: OK. Um... Just use the intercom to call me, and I'll come up during commercials.
Jill: Let me rephrase that. I don't want you to have the party today.
Tim: I've been planning this for a long time. It's a tradition, honey.
Jill: You never had one before.
Tim: Well, traditions start someplace.
Jill: Tim, I have a temperature of 103.
Tim: [scoffs] According to a thermometer!

Jill: Look, I'm burning up, I feel horrible, I don't want a bunch of guys over here making noise.
Tim: Look, I'll take care of you. Um...
Jill: You're not going to take care of me. You're going to be down there the whole time. I'll never even see you.
Tim: Come on, I'll show you. I'll keep those guys so quiet you won't even know they're here. Please, please, please?
Jill: Oh, have your stupid party.
Tim: Thanks. [kisses Jill's forehead] Whew! You are hot.