Jill: Tim, what do you know about installing a satellite dish?
Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man can do that.
Jill: Yeah, but... But it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Rondall: Oh, do that thing you do on the show. That barking sound. That... [barks]
Tim: Well, it's really not barking. It's more like a simian grunt. [grunts]
Rondall: Yeah, barking, grunting, whatever. It's a very funny show. You're very funny on it.
Tim: It's not all fun and games. It's a home improvement show. Basically what we do...
Rondall: Well, but you're very funny on it. Not like the other guy on the show. The guy who knows everything.
Tim: Al. Al's my assistant. He assists me.

Tim: I was wondering, when you watch my show Tool Time, do you think I'm funny?
Wilson: Well, I've got to be honest with you, Tim. I've never seen the show.
Tim: You've never seen my show?
Wilson: No. But I don't have a television.
Tim: Everybody's got a TV.
Wilson: Not me. I just use my imagination. Watch the pictures inside my mind.
Tim: Cuts down on reruns then, doesn't it?
Wilson: Not really, Tim. There's always déjà vu.

Tim: Okay, now that we've finished clamping our stool and the glue is set. Let's move on to our table top. We're gonna show you how to do a dado head cut move today. Now, a dado is just a carpenter's term for a groove cut into wood. If you use the word "dado", your wife will think you're intelligent. Right, Al?
Al: I'm not married, Tim.
Tim: Well, if you use it in a conversation, maybe you'll get lucky.

Tim: This is the Binford Mach Three SuperPlunge Router. Oh, a thing of beauty, isn't it? Three horsepower motor. Variable electronic speed control and an adjustable depth-stop system. When using a router, you wanna use a real steady hand.
Al: Well, you might want to use the guide arm so it doesn't get away from you.
Tim: You don't always have to use the guide arm if you have a steady hand.
Al: Well, if you want a straight line, Tim.
Tim: Al, I've been doing this for years, all right? Just hold the table, all right?
Al: Okay.
Tim: Start our cut. Set your depth gauge and get going.
[As Tim starts the router, it veers across the wood creating a loop figure. Afterwards, Tim pulls out his rule and pretends to measure the cut]
Tim: Perfect, Al. Just... does a good job of scrolling. Uh, while Al cleans up this deliberate mess of mine. I'd like to welcome a new family member to Tool Time. Alpena, Michigan. Cold in the winter... Pretty cold in the summer too, isn't it, I tell you. Kidding around with you. It's channel 97 there on your cable box. I'd like to give the folks up there in Alpena - Al, there you are - a Tool Time greeting. What do you say, Al? [Tim grunts] Come on, guys. [audience grunts] Well, I'll tell ya... That's about all for Tool Time today. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Hoping... Hoping that all your fasteners stay tight. See you next time. [grunts]

Tim: I was kind of hoping you could stop by Saturday, maybe have lunch, help me put it up.
Al: Oh, gee, I was hoping to have the weekend alone. Kind of a private man time.
Lisa: Al? Oh, good, Al.
Al: Yeah?
Lisa: What time did you say you wanted to come over tomorrow to help me put up my bookshelves?
Al: Oh... How about 9:00?
Lisa: That's perfect. I'll see you then. Bye, Tim.
Tim: See you, Lis. Kinda that private man time, huh?
Al: Well, she's a co-worker, Tim. I think of her as a man.
Tim: That's why you're still single, Al.

Tim: Okay, once we get that satellite dish put up on the roof there, run that co-ax cable down the wall there, Mark, run it through the house, attach it to that TV set, we are equipped to get 200 stations.
Jill: 200 stations?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Great. Now it's going to take you 45 minutes to find out there's nothing on you wanna watch.
Tim: Yeah.

Tim: Hey! [sniffles] Can you smell that? That's diesel fumes. That's a turbo diesel. That's 16 speeds. Tandem axle. That's a delivery truck. [grunts]
Mark: You can smell all that?
Tim: I sure can. Come on, help me out. Go out on the front porch and see if that delivery truck's on the way because I think our satellite dish is coming. Let me know when it's in.

Jill: Yeah, you know, the teacher from that job search seminar I've been taking.
Tim: Why is he coming over here?
Jill: Well, last Monday after class, we were having coffee, and he said that anybody that needed...
Tim: [whistles] Time out, flag that play. You had coffee with Rondall?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You didn't tell- You didn't tell me about this coffee.
Jill: Oh, I'm sorry. It was cream, two sugars.

Tim: Was it... Was it coffee? Or coffee and dancing?
Jill: Tim, don't be silly. It was a few of us went out for coffee after class...
Tim: Oh, safety in numbers thing.
Jill: Then Rondall said that if anybody needed any extra help, maybe we should give him a call.
Tim: So you sprinted right over to the phone and called him?
Jill: Yes. He's gonna help me get my resume in order for that job interview I have Monday.
Tim: Giving up his whole day Saturday, that guy must have a pretty understanding wife.
Jill: He's not married.
Tim: How'd you find that out? During coffee?
Jill: No, while we were dancing.