Tim: I found the root beer out there. Odd thing, though. I couldn't find the Nomad.
Jill: Oh, no!
Tim: It's not in the driveway. It's not in the garage. Where is the station wagon, Brad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad. Maybe it wandered off?

Randy: Well, I'm back safe and sound before the danger of nightfall rears its ugly little head.
Jill: Did you and Lauren have a good time?
Randy: Oh, yeah. We had another lovely wonderful afternoon date. We caught a 3:30 matinee filled with old people explaining the movie to each other. Then we went to an early-bird dinner filled with old people saying, [as an old man] "Does the salmon have bones? I hate bones."

Randy: I don't believe this. When I was his age you never would have let me go out this late on a school night.
Jill: Well, you also never had trouble making friends like he does. This thing has been really good for him.
Randy: Wait a second. Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork. And I get more rules because Brad's a dork?
Brad: That's night-driving dork to you.

Jill: I'm an inconsistent parent.
Wilson: Well... Todos los empleados deben lavarse las manos antes de regresar al trabajo.
Jill: "All employees must wash their hands before returning to work"?
Wilson: All right, maybe I had one margarita. [Jill laughs] But I do have something to say about you being an inconsistent parent.
Jill: What's that?
Wilson: Well, you know, the essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." You know, Randy and Brad and Mark, they're totally different kids. To give them one set of rules would be folly.
Jill: So you're saying that I was right not to let Randy drive at night?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying you should treat each child according to his individual needs.

Jill: Look, nighttime driving is trickier. We just want you to master daytime driving first.
Randy: You let Brad drive at night as soon as he got his license.
Jill: Yeah, and he had an accident, didn't he?
Randy: So why do I have to pay for Brad's screw-ups?
Tim: Well, that's kind of how the system works, you know. You pay for Brad's mistakes and Mark'll pay for your mistakes.
Randy: What mistakes have I made?
Tim: Well, for starters, having Brad as a brother.
Randy: This makes no sense. How could you let Mom talk you into this?
Tim: I got bit by a rat today.

Jill: Another call for Mark. You know, this band thing is making him really popular. His calls have doubled.
Brad: Yeah, that's two this month.

Randy: Wow. Nomad's looking great. Never seen it look this shiny.
Tim: Well, that's because after hours of deliberation, I have selected this car for you to take your driver's test in.
Randy: Over the Mustang and the Austin Healey? How'd they take it?
Tim: Well, the Mustang took it OK. But the Austin Healey's in a bit of a snit.

Randy: Dad, I wanted to talk to you about my driver's appointment.
Tim: OK.
Randy: I called to make an appointment. They were all booked up on Saturday, so I made it for tomorrow.
Tim: I can't go tomorrow. I'm working.
Randy: I know. Mom'll take me.
Tim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There are certain first times in a boy's life you don't want your mom with you, and this is the main one. Um... A week from Saturday, we'll go.
Randy: Dad, I don't wanna wait a week.
Tim: Wait a week for me.
Randy: I don't want to wait a week. I'll have Brad take me.
Tim: No, a father's supposed to be there for the great moments in his son's life.
Randy: Dad, you weren't there when I was born.
Tim: But this is big.

Randy: Dad, I know how important this is to you.
Tim: No, you don't know how important this is. This is really a big deal for me.
Randy: Dad, there's gonna be other occasions.
Tim: What other occasions?
Randy: Well, first dead battery, license renewals, tickets. You'll be right by my side for all of 'em.
Tim: You're not just saying this?
Randy: I promise.
Tim: God bless you, son.

Tim: Um, Judy, tell the audience what you've trained that rat to do?
Trudy: I've taught him to run all kinds of wire through walls, including computer wire for schools.
Tim: So, you need that rat before you can use your mouse. [chuckles]
Trudy: Judy takes her work very seriously.
Tim: Judy needs a man.
Trudy: Judy heard that. [to Al] It's true, though.