Jill: Look, I'm not pulling this out of thing air, okay? A lot of states have passed nighttime driving laws because teenagers have more accidents after dark.
Tim: It's a good law, but I've driven with him at night and he's a good driver.
Jill: I know. I just want him to have more experience behind the wheel before we send him out in the dark.
Tim: You know, night isn't as dark as it was when we first started driving.
Jill: What?!
Tim: El Nino.

Tim: He's gonna be just fine. And we can't have different rules for different kids. We let Brad drive his first night.
Jill: Well, yeah, and he rear-ended somebody.
Tim: That could happen to anybody.
Jill: Then he lied about it.
Tim: He was scared.
Jill: Then the guy he hit tried to sue us. Our insurance rates went through the roof and so did you.
Tim: Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: I got bit by a rat today.

Brad: Hey. What happened to you?
Tim: Forget about it, Brad. It's Chinatown.

Randy: Does this seem completely unfair to you?
Brad: Why would you want my opinion? I'm just a dork.
Randy: Good point. [grabs car keys]
Brad: Where are you going?
Randy: I don't know, but I'm driving there in the dark. [exits]
Brad: Mark's gonna pay for this.

Jill: Where is Randy?
Brad: Gee, I really don't know. Maybe he's in bed.
Tim: It's 9:15.
Brad: Well, you know, he ate dinner at four.

Brad: Mom, where are you going?
Jill: Downstairs. If he's awake, I wanna talk to him.
Brad: I don't really think you should go down.
Jill: Why not?
Brad: Well, because if he's sleeping, it will be dark and you could trip and fall and wake him up.

Jill: You know, he said something about Grosse Pointe. Maybe I should just drive up there and look for him.
Tim: Yeah! Go up there, find him and his girlfriend making out in the car, rap on the window, "I'm just here to protect my little baby."

Jill: OK. You're right. Bad idea. We'll just wait here, give him a chance to come home.
Tim: A little bit of pizza. [opens pizza box]
Jill: There's no cheese.
Tim: Hey, Brad! Has Al been over here?

Tim: Oh, look who's back. Mr. Grand Theft Auto.
Mark: I wouldn't wanna be you right now.
Randy: I wouldn't wanna be you ever.

Tim: You did take the car when we told you not to. I say a week without any driving at all.
Brad: One week? Boy, I couldn't drive for a month after I got in my accident.
Jill: That's a completely different situation.
Brad: Well, not to me. I mean, how can you give him less punishment than me?
Jill: We have to treat each one of you differently according to your needs.
Brad: And who decides what our needs are?
Jill: We do. Right, Tim?
Tim: Huh?
Jill: Tim, how come every time I try to have an important parenting discussion, you tune out?
Tim: I got bit by a rat this morning.