Wilson: See, Romulus and Remus were very close until they decided to work together to build a city.
Tim: Yeah? What happened?
Wilson: Well, Romulus was the boss and he wanted things done his way. And Remus disagreed with him and that angered Romulus. So instead of working things out, you know what he did?
Tim: I'd fire him!
Wilson: No, he killed him.
Tim: Oh, boy! Oh, boy. Well, I guess when you're raised by a wolf, you lack certain social skills.
Wilson: No, Tim. The point is if Romulus hadn't been so rash, and tried to meet his brother halfway, they might've been able to patch things up.
Tim: Oh, I see. I should try to meet Marty halfway.
Wilson: There you go.

Tim: All right, I'm sorry I was criticizing you. It's just... [sighs] when I notice somebody painting in a "glop-esque" manner that can result in peghole pluggage...
Marty: Well, your point is well taken, Tim.
Tim: Thank you.
Marty: However, one could also argue that peghole pluggage could easily be remedied with toothpick pokage.
Tim: Toothpick pokage? Go back over the job twice?
Marty: You gotta...
Al: I say we stop this arguing and we settle this with a group huggage.

Tim: Marty, you can't afford to quit.
Marty: Oh, don't tell me what I can afford. You're not the only brother I can turn to. If I have to, I'll borrow money from John.
Tim: He's in worse shape than you.
Marty: He'll get it from Jeff.
Tim: Where's he gonna get it?
Marty: He can get it from Rick.
Tim: And where's Rick gonna get the money?
Marty: From you.

Tim: Welcome to the brand-new Tool Time set. We got a lot more tools.
Al: A lot more fire extinguishers.

Tim: Speaking of "kin," I hired my brother Marty to work at Tool Time. And ever since he's been there he's been driving me crazy.
Wilson: Mm, mm-hm. Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Tim: He thinks I'm bossing him around. I think he's just a pain in the butt. I might have to fire him.
Wilson: Hm. You know, Tim, I'm reminded of the story of Romulus and Remus.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: They're two brothers who were abandoned at birth and nursed by a she-wolf.
Tim: Sounds like the story of Al and Cal Borland.

Benny: Hey, Tim! You should be ashamed of yourself. You "trow" your brother out?
Tim: I didn't "trow" him anywhere. He walked out.
Marty: Yeah. That's right. I quit. Because Tim's a jerk to work for.
Tim: Oh, I'm a jerk?
Benny: This is why I make it a policy never to work with family.
Harry: Yeah. That and the fact nobody in your family would hire ya.

Tim: Welcome back to a new segment here on Tool Time - The Resourceful Tool Man.
Al: Where we show you how a tool man can be... resourceful.
Tim: And redundant.
Al: Today the resourceful tool man goes to the kitchen. Now, say you have a hankering for cheese and crackers.
Tim: But every knife in your house is filthy. And your wife's not there to wash them. So what are you gonna do?
Al: You could clean one yourself.
Tim: Al, I'll do the jokes.
Al: Or you could run upstairs to the bathroom and get some trusty dental floss.
Tim: Heidi, my dental floss, please.
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Tim: Thank you.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: Use unwaxed for your softer cheeses.
Al: That's right. And waxed for your cheddars and Gouda.
Tim: Nobody cuts the cheese like Al.

Tim: OK, now, let's say your wife's a little ticked at ya because instead of fixing the stove, you blew it up. She's wandering around the house saying, [feminine voice] "What are we gonna do now? Poach the fish in what, you lunkhead? What am I gonna do?"
Al: [feminine voice] "I have a 12-pound fish and it's all gonna go to waste." [off Tim's look] What? I don't do a woman's voice as well as you?
Tim: No. You do it a little too well.
Al: Our point is, the resourceful tool man doesn't need a working stove to make a delicious meal.
Tim: Exactly, Al. All you need is heat and steam. And what better way to use that than in the dishwasher?
Heidi: Here's your fresh piece of salmon, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Aah! There's a piece of fish! I'm gonna season my fish with a little dill. Fold the tinfoil around it, and set it on the top shelf in the dishwasher.
Al: Making sure to hit the dry cycle. And in 25 minutes, you have a perfectly poached fish.
Tim: Fortunately, We don't have to wait that long. We have a fish in there. When it's done, we'll pull it out. [bell dings] There it is. You hungry, Al?
Al: I'm famished.
Tim: All right! [audience groans as Tim opens the dishwasher]
Al: Did you hit dry cycle?
Tim: Oh, I went with the pot scrubber.

Tim: Hey, Brad. How's it going?
Brad: Great. I can't wait to go to school tomorrow.
Tim: New girl?
Brad: Yup. [phone rings] I got it. It's for me. [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle Marty. Yeah, he's right here. Try not to talk too long. I'm expecting a really important phone call. Yup. New girl.

Tim: Marty, you were supposed to call me after the job interview.
Marty: I tried. The phone's been busy for hours.
Tim: Brad, I asked you to stay off the phone, didn't I?
Brad: It's not fair that you always assume it was me.
Tim: Was it?
Brad: Yeah. But it still isn't fair.