Marty: I know. I'm excited... no matter what my wife said.
Tim: Uh, probably the same thing my wife said - brothers shouldn't work together.
Marty: No, that brothers as immature as us shouldn't work together.
Tim: We'll show them, won't we? [goofy laughing]

Marty: Pardon me for caring for the environment.
Tim: Pardon me for getting the job done.
Marty: Well, sorry I'm slowing you up, but I was just expressing my opinion.
Tim: My opinion is you should keep your opinion to yourself.
Marty: Well, that's your opinion.
Tim: Uh-huh.
Al: Guys, guys...
Tim: Al, stay out of this. You'll be parking in Honduras, OK?

Marty: You're doing it again. You know how I hate it when you look over my shoulder.
Tim: Well, I can't look under your shoulder. I get that horrible armpit smell.
Marty: I can smell yours all across the room.

Marty: All right, what? What is it? What's the problem?
Tim: You're glopping, Marty.
Marty: I'm not glopping.
Tim: Yes, you are. You're glopping.
Marty: I am not. I know how to paint.
Tim: Marty, you're glopping right now.
Marty: I am not. It's fine. They're fine.
Al: Boys, boys, remember what you said? Brothers getting along, being mature?

Jill: So, what did he do?
Tim: He complained all day. He took, like, six hours to chew his bologna sandwich. Then he got Al hopped up about not having a parking space.
Jill: Well, that's bad. Wait a minute. Al doesn't have a parking space?
Tim: Why is everyone so concerned about where Al parks?

Marty: Look, Tim, it's obvious that we can't work together, so I'm quitting.
Tim: You're quitting?
Marty: Yeah. You're impossible to work for.
Tim: I'm impossible to work for?
Marty: You're a control freak. I mean, everything's gotta be done on your schedule and your way.
Tim: Let's figure out why that is. Let's think, you and l. Let's think. Let's think. Why would that be? Why? Um, it's coming to me... My show. I'm boss. Maybe that's it?

Tim: If we gotta shop in the same store, we gotta mark our territories. My zones - automotive, plumbing, power tools and small nuts and bolts.
Marty: Hey, wait a minute. How come you get all the good stuff?
Tim: Because I got the tool show.
Marty: Oh, right. I forgot. Mr. "Tool Man." Ooh!
Tim: That's real funny, Marty.
Marty: What does that leave me with? Brooms.
Tim: Oh, and plungers, too, Martin.

Harry: Guys! Guys! Hey, hey, hey! I'm trying to run a business here! You know, people come in here and buy things? Or at least they used to. OK, OK, OK! If you two don't stop acting like babies, I'm gonna ask you both to leave.
Tim: Leave?
Marty: You mean you're throwing us out?
Benny: I believe that was the gist of his drift.
Tim: No one's ever kicked me out of a hardware store before.
Marty: Yeah, me neither.
Tim: I've been kicked out of school, church...
Marty: My own house.
Both: Girls' locker room.
Marty: Wow, we've been kicked out of a lot of places.
Tim: Never a hardware store.
Marty: I think this time we went too far.

Tim: [watch beeps] We gotta stop by the house real quick.
Marty: Flounder?
Tim: Mackerel.

Al: And here's the most exciting part of our new set. Our brand-new interview area.
Tim: Heidi! Now, we can interview guests in style. Al, why don't you be my first guest.
Al: All right. Thank you, Tim.
Tim: Well, Mr. Borland, I'm sure it was tough getting you on the show due to your hectic work schedule.
Al: [laughs] Good one, Tim!
Tim: We're going to show a clip of Al's new movie. Now, what was it like making love with Flipper? That was a great idea, huh? Let's show that clip right now.
[After Tim presses a button, the modular interview center starts to recede into the wall. Tim manages to walk out of his segment, while Al's section closes in on him. He ducks and disappears under the wall]
Tim: Al! Al! Wait a minute! Get out! Get out! Al, get out!