Jill: Wow. Seeing all these boxes brings back so many painful memories. When I was a kid we moved, like...
Lucille: We know, dear. Eight times.

Jeff: Hey, hey, little brother.
Tim: Well?
Jeff: Gee, I didn't recognize you without a head wound.
Tim: Well, I did recognize you because you're still bald.
Jeff: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not bald, I'm taller than my hair.
Tim: You know what? That's not it. In this light, you've actually gotten a little uglier.
Jeff: Uglier. Ah, the Tim Taylor wit, huh? lmmature and yet, uh, not funny. [flicks Tim's nose]

Tim: This is everything. This is the bedroom, the den, the kitchen, that dining room addition...
Marty: Yeah. Look at the details Dad put in. He must have loved doing this, you klnow. Crown molding in all the rooms, tongue-and-groove on all the floors.
Tim: You're too young to remember, but Dad hand-rebuilt that mantelpiece.
Jeff: Well, he had to after you tried to use the propane tank as a fire poker.
Tim: Last time I saw these plans, I was helping Dad build this staircase. Solid maple. He let me turn one of these balusters, install it myself. [Marty knocks a baluster off] They're fine if you don't touch them, Marty.

Tim: Remember sliding down this banister, guys?
Marty: Oh, yeah. Of course, I also remember there was only one of us dumb enough to go down facing forward.
Tim: Anybody can do it backwards. Mom was wrong too. I was still able to have children.
Jeff: Yeah, but look at 'em.

Greg: We need to do it before Monday because we have a crew to rip up the floors.
Tim: You're going to rip up the floors? These are tongue-and-groove wood floors.
Lisa: Well, we prefer ceramic tile.
Tim: Ceramic tile doesn't really go with anything else in the house.
Greg: Oh, it will when we're done.
Tim: What else are you gonna do?
Greg: We're taking out all the old stuff, like that fireplace.
Tim: That fireplace is hand-built. It's one of a kind.
Lisa: Well, we just want to give it a contemporary feeling, you know. We're going to put in floor-to-ceiling mirrors.
Tim: Ah! Go for that fun house look.

Tim: What are you measuring the staircase for? You're not taking this out, are you?
Lisa: Actually, we were going to replace it with wrought iron.
Tim: Oh, yeah. That wrought iron and mirror, there's a handsome look. Yeah. Put in a front desk, some fake ferns and a bellhop, you got a hotel lobby.
Greg: You know, maybe we should come back another time.
Lisa: You know what? I'm really sorry that we bothered you.
Tim: This is real craftsmanship in this house, you know. My father and I built this staircase by hand. This house is perfect the way it is!
[When Tim slams the front door, a baluster pops off the staircase]

Lucille: Who was that at the door, Tim?
Tim: Mr. and Mrs. Motel 6.
Lucille: Who?
Tim: The new owners. You know what they want to do to this place?
Lucille: Yeah, they mentioned a few things. Ceramic tile, wrought-iron staircase.
Tim: And that's OK with you?
Lucille: Well, it's their house. They can do whatever they want with it.
Tim: You lived here 42 years and you let people buy the house that are just gonna tear it apart?
Lucille: Well, what was I supposed to do?
Tim: Background check? Find out how their values are, whether they're pro or anti tongue-and-groove.
Lucille: Tim, I sold them the house. I didn't put it up for adoption.

Tim: The people that are buying this house are gonna rip out the floor, take out the mantel, the staircase.
Jill: The staircase?
Tim: They're tearing down the house that I grew up in.
Jill: Oh, no, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
Tim: Now I know how bad Wilson felt when he took his Mexican radishes and left the zoo.
Jill: What?

Lucille: Do you remember the Christmas after Marty was born?
Tim: Do l? We're upstairs babysitting, his belly button falls off. Scared the hell out of all of us. "Mom, you had better get up here. I think this kid's falling apart." That was the... that was the Christmas I helped Dad finish the staircase.
[flashback:]
Michael Taylor: Hey, Tim. Tim.
Young Tim: [o.s.] Yeah, Dad?
Michael Taylor: I want to check your measurements for the carpeting for the stairs.
Young Tim: You don't have to. I already cut it.
Michael Taylor: [grunts] Oh, no.
Young Tim: Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. [unrolls carpet] [grunts] Oh, no.
Michael Taylor: Tim, what did I tell you? You gotta measure twice and cut once. Plus, I didn't ask you to cut it, son.
Young Tim: Sorry. I guess I messed up again.
Michael Taylor: Ah, it's all right. Working with tools, it's not for everybody and, well, when you grow up you'll find something that's more suitable for you.
Lucille: [o.s.] Michael, Tim, time to get ready for dinner.
Young Tim: I can smell the turkey burning.
Michael Taylor: Son, there is nothing like your mother's turkey. All dark meat.

Tim: Welcome back to a very special Tool Time live from my house. It's Christmas, time to think about cleaning out that chimney.
Al: Cheerio, Timothy.
Tim: Frosted Flakes to you, Al.
Al: Well, Tim is right. A dirty chimney can cause smoke to back up into your house. Or worse yet, creosote can build up and cause a fire.
Tim: And if you don't use your fireplace, there might be animals making nests in there. You got to check that out.
Al: That's right. You don't wanna light up your Yule log and end up barbecuing a possum.
Tim: Not unless you're Jed Clampett. He's a millionaire, you know.