Wilson: You know, another interesting fact about hockey... Did you realize the first professional team was organized in Houghton, Michigan, in 1903?
Tim: Don't know. Don't care.

Wilson: Wait, wait a second. Tim, this should be your prize. You bought the ticket.
Tim: I bought the ticket for your birthday. It's all yours.
Wilson: Well, it should be Brad's. He gave me his seat.
Brad: Dad, the man's got a point.
Tim: No, whosever butt... Whosever butt is in the seat wins the prize, period.
Wilson: Well, I've got an idea. Let's go halvsies.
Tim: Halvsies? Men don't go halvsies. Men don't even say "halvsies."

Jill: Look, guys, you know Wilson needs the money. He hasn't painted his house in years. And he needs a new roof.
Tim: And a new furnace. Maybe a new hat.
Brad: I bet he spends that money on something stupid like books.
Wilson: [enters with a stack of magazines] Well, hi-ho, Taylors. Well, Tim, I walked into my house and I had a huge epiphany.
Tim: After all that cotton candy, it was bound to catch up with you.

Jill: So what are you gonna do with all this money?
Wilson: Well, I've decided, instead of buying my plants, I'm gonna grow my own.
Tim: You're gonna grow your own? Brad, you can't go over there anymore.
Wilson: Oh, no, no, no. Not those kind of plants.

Brad: Wait. You're gonna spend all that money on a greenhouse?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy. I can grow anything I want.
Brad: Can you grow pudding?

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al "The Bad Seed" Borland.
Al: Thank you. Well, today we're talking about one of the greatest pleasures in my life, horticulture.
Tim: You know, that's legal in Nevada, baby.
Al: I'm talking about gardening.
Tim: I'm sure you are.

Jill: I made my hamburger casserole for dinner tonight.
Tim: We got bigger problems than that. Did you watch Tool Time today?
Jill: Working on the thesis.
Tim: Wilson wouldn't go with our design. Instead, he wants to build some 32-foot Victorian monstrosity in his yard. I swear the guy's gone construction-crazy.
Jill: It's funny how you recognize the symptoms in others.

Jill: What is this? What are you doing?
Tim: I'm adding to my arsenal. Bigger, brighter, better.
Jill: This is insane. When is this idiocy gonna end?
Tim: When Wilson grows up.
Jill: Wilson is your best friend. If you keep this up, you're gonna lose him.
Tim: So I'll get another best friend. I'll call Al. Maybe he knows someone who'll be my best friend.

Tim: You know, this isn't about building a greenhouse.
Wilson: Well, then what's it about, Tim?
Tim: It's so... It would... It came all the way to... I would not... I... I really... There's... It's hard... I come out... I like coming to the fence.
Wilson: To articulate the deep feelings you find difficult to communicate to other men.
Tim: Yes!
Wilson: You know, Tim, if I build this greenhouse the way I intended, you'd have to come around the house, knock on the door if you wanted to talk.
Tim: I could do that. And I could just call you on the phone if I wanted to.
Wilson: I could get a computer. We could e-mail.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Yeah.
Tim: We could do that.
Wilson: Yeah. You want to do that?
Both: Nah!

Wilson: You know, Tim, to tell you the truth, I rather enjoy being able to come out here and extemporaneously converse with you.
Tim: Not me. I just like shooting the breeze.