Patty: Doug is helping build Stan's new Polish restaurant in Highland Park.
Tim: I love those kielbasas, boy!
Doug: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah. I hope you're putting a heavy-duty exhaust fan in that bathroom.
Doug: Oh, yeah. I put a 115-volt ball-bearing motor with an auto reset.
Tim: [grunting] Oh, yeah!
Doug: That'll suck the fumes right out of ya!
Tim: The guy knows his ventilation.
Patty: That's what I look for in a guy.

Tim: Wait, let me tell you about mine. I had this old Catalina. It had a big 421, marvelous car. We packed all my buddies in there, drove around figuring out what to do. We decided we were gonna race a freight train. So, we get... Well, then we realized we had all these overdue books that should go back to the library. And, uh... then went over to my Aunt Winnie's for Bible study and hot chocolate.

Tim: That was a very good meal, Patty. Don't you think so, Jill?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Really, really good. OK. I know why he hasn't called. He was on his way to the basketball game. And one of the other kids said, "Let's go to a party instead." So, now they're smoking dope and driving a 180 miles an hour with their butts all smushed up against the windows.
Tim: Well, you know, the Nomad's the perfect car for it. Lots of big windows. Yeah!
Jill: How can you joke at a time like this? Where the hell was that phone call? It's not like him not to call.
Tim: It's a big night for him, okay? He's probably looking for a phone right now.
Jill: Well, I know what we should do. We should call the school and have him just paged at the basketball game.
Tim: Well, that would go over big. [spoon clinks] Johnson shoots a three-pointer. My God, what a shot that was! Look at... oh, hold on a minute. Yeah. Yup. Yup. OK. Brad Taylor, your mommy's on the phone.

Brad: The guy said if I gave him $400, he wouldn't tell anyone.
Randy: And you're off the hook?
Brad: Exactly. As soon as you guys loan me $200.
Randy: Well, don't you mean us kids?
Mark: Yeah. What do we get out of it?
Randy: We get Brad to be our personal chauffeur.
Mark: Hey! Maybe he could wear a uniform and a little hat.
Randy: I like it.

Randy: [answers phone] Hello? No. Mr. Taylor's not here. Can I take a message? Uh, yeah. George Preston. Attorney for Michael McGrath.
Brad: McGrath! Give me that! [takes the phone] [deep voice] Yes, this is Mr. Taylor. Uh-huh. Yeah. [grunts] Oh, yeah. My son's accident. He told me that was all settled, sir. [regular voice] Whiplash?! No way! [deep voice] Uh, actually, I'll talk to my son about that, sir. Thank you. [hangs up]
Randy: Sounds like your son's in a bit of trouble.

Brad: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Taylor teen. I am sculpting a shrine out of yak butter.
Brad: Yak butter?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. It spreads so much easier than yak margarine. [laughs] Actually, making shrines is a traditional way of celebrating the Buddhist prayer festival of Tibet.

Brad: Yeah. I've been doing some praying of my own. I dented somebody's car, and I'm praying my dad doesn't kill me.
Wilson: You hit a car? Your father told me you hit a pole.
Brad: That's what I told him.
Wilson: Oh.
Brad: I didn't want him to get mad and take my license away.
Wilson: Well, Brad, what makes you think he would've been so strict?
Brad: Well, you know, driving's everything to my dad.
Wilson: Hmm.
Brad: He was the youngest member to ever join Triple A.
Wilson: Well, I know that. I saw the slides of his first emergency roadside service.

Tim: Are you telling me you don't have any worries about our boys driving?
Tim: Of course I have worries about them driving. I'm worried they'll be as bad a driver as I was at that age. You know that story I told you at Patty's about going to the library...
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: [false crying] It wasn't true.
Jill: Yeah. I kind of figured that out.
Tim: What gave it away?
Jill: Tim, have you ever been near a library?
Tim: Yes. Well, the parking lot. That's where I learned to do donuts.

Tim: Welcome back to the final day of "Engine Week" here on Tool Time.
Al: And to end it all with a bang, we brought back our special guests you met earlier in the week.
Tim: Yes, we did. Although this time I made a few changes to make this show easier to follow. Let's bring out the Al's. Come on, everybody!
[The three generations of Al Unsers walk out wearing grey sweatshirts with their nicknames written across the front]
Tim: No confusion now. You have Big Al, Little Al, Norm-Al. And, of course... [holds up a sweatshirt in front of Al] Abnorm-Al.
Al: I don't think so, Tim. [unbuttons his flannel shirt to reveal a sweatshirt reading "Speci-Al"]

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I... I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant Al Borland! [audience cheers] [applause]
Al: Thank you. Thank you. And welcome to our salute... [engine revs] ...to engines. Today we're gonna tell you how to put a little kick in your V8.
Tim: I'll tell you how I put a kick in my V8... vodka! [audience laughs]
Al: We're talking about V8 engines. We'll be showing you the difference between a stock V8 and a high-performance Indy car engine.
Audience: Ooh...
Tim: Yeah! And who better to talk about these engines than our first guest, a racing legend, put them together, ladies and gentlemen, for Al Unser! [audience cheers, applauds] [band introduction plays]
[When a young boy walks out, Tim signals for the music to be cut]
Al Richard Unser: [shakes Tim's hand] Great to be here.
Tim: Uh... sure it is, son. But I'm talking about the other Al Unser! [band introduction plays]
Al Unser Jr. Great to be here, Tim.
Tim: Yeah, I'm sure it is. But I'm talking about the other Al Unser! [band plays] [audience cheers] [band stops]
Al Unser Sr.: Thank you for having us here, Tim.
Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, three generations of Al Unsers. Well, I'll tell you, this could get confusing. What do I call you?
All: Al.
Tim: Well, that clears that up.