Jill: [telephone rings] That's Brad!
Patty: [picks up the phone] Of course, since it's my apartment, it might be for me. [on the phone] Hello? OK. Just calm down. Tell me everything that happened.
Jill: It's Brad. What is it? What's wrong?
Patty: Mother, if you just had a root canal, why are you eating Gummy Bears?
Tim: You got to stop obsessing about this. You'll make yourself sick.
Patty: Mom, you have to hold on. I've got another call. [switches line] Hello? Oh, my God!
Jill: I knew it! Something's happened to Brad!
Patty: A baby girl?
Tim: My son had a baby girl.

Jill: I know something's wrong. It's just... a mother's instinct.
Tim: Mother's paranoia.
Jill: Don't dismiss my feelings. I hate when you do that. Would you like to be dismissed?
Tim: Yes, I would. Help me out here, Doug. Tell her she's overreacting, please.
Doug: You know, it's a little stuffy in here. Why don't I check the ventilation?
Jill: The air is fine! The only problem is Brad might be in trouble, and Tim doesn't care. Right, Patty?
Patty: I think you're right, Doug. I detect a little airborne mold.

Doug: I'm glad Brian wasn't hurt.
Jill: His name is Brad.
Tim: It rhymes with Nomad. That's how I remember.

Randy: You hit a car?
Brad: Yeah. I rear-ended a guy over on Woodworth.
Randy: Well, how come you told Mom and Dad you hit a pole?
Brad: Because I enjoy breathing?

Tim: Oh, boy! Well... oh, it's not as bad as I thought. Just the bumper here. A broken headlight. What's all this- Is this green paint? You said you hit a telephone pole.
Brad: Yeah. The pole was green.
Randy: The color of money.

Randy: Hey, thanks for the ride. As soon as I get a snack, I'm gonna need another lift.
Brad: [sighs] Now where am I taking you?
Randy: I don't know. Surprise me.

Brad: Look, I need to talk to you guys about the accident I had. I didn't hit a pole, I hit a car.
Tim: You hit what?
Jill: Why didn't you tell us?
Brad: Well, I didn't want you to get mad at me and take my license away.
Tim: So you thought you'd lie and get away with it?
Brad: I guess so. Plus the guy said if I gave him $400, he'd forget the whole thing.
Jill: What guy?
Brad: The guy in the other car who's now suing us?
Jill: What?
Tim: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. [stammers] Back the sue canoe up here!

Tim: I need the whole story. I need the truth right this minute.
Brad: All right, the guy in front of me suddenly hit his brakes. I couldn't stop fast enough, so I swerved and bumped into him. At first he said he was fine. But his lawyer called today, now he's suing us... says he has whiplash.
Jill: I don't believe it.
Tim: Neither do l. No one gets whiplash. It's just a scam.

Jill: I can't believe that you lied to us.
Brad: [quietly] I'm sorry.
Tim: Well, sorry doesn't cut it! We gave you the keys to the car. We also gave you our trust. You blew it.
Jill: What if this had been a bigger accident? What if somebody had been killed or hurt, would you have kept that from us, too?
Brad: Look, I know I made a mistake. And I'm ready to accept the consequences.
Tim: Good! You're not driving for 30 days.
Brad: Thirty days? [off Tim's look] That sounds fair.

Jill: What did I tell you? Mother's instinct. First night out driving, has an accident, tells a big fat lie.
Tim: Well, at least we got them both all out in one night.
Jill: He's got years of driving ahead of him. And we still got two kids to go.
Tim: Does this mean when the other boys are out driving, you're gonna be a nervous wreck?
Jill: No. Just when I have an instinct.
Tim: Well, when will that be?
Jill: I don't know. That's why they call it an instinct.