Jill: [on the phone] You know what name I've always loved? Laura. It's simple, it's unpretentious. Sloan? That's nice, too. [Tim chokes] Tim just walked in. He sends his love. Yeah. If you need anything, give me a call.
Bye. [hangs up] It's a girl! It's a girl. Carol is so happy. She always wanted to have a girl. They stayed up all last night and painted the nursery pink.
Tim: Flat or semigloss?
Jill: Gee, somehow that didn't come up.

Brad: Dad, aren't you a little old to have a security blanket?
Randy: He got it when he stopped sucking his thumb.
Tim: Hey, maybe you'll recognize some of the other stuff in here. Oh, look, it's Brad's training pants. You used 'em last weekend, didn't you? What's this? [rattles] Randy's brain. I'm sending your old baby stuff to Aunt Carol.
Brad: Hey, wait a minute. That blanket wasn't ours.
Tim: Your mom knitted this when she was having Mark.
Brad: It's pink.
Randy: Mom must have known Mark would be a girl.
Tim: No, no, no, no, no, no. Your mother was praying for a girl after she had you two buttheads.

Jill: Well, I just got off the phone with Carol. She's so excited. The baby moved today.
Tim: Where to, that all-baby condo downtown?

Jill: Ugh. Yuck! How many scoops did you use in this stuff?
Tim: 12. I'm making "Tim Taylor More Power" coffee. Arr. Hey, I'll race you to Ann Arbor.

Jill: Hey, Brad!
Brad: Yeah?
Jill: Brad, don't forget you have a dentist appointment today, and don't try to get detention to get out of it again.
Randy: Ha. Like he has to try.

Al: Can we get on with the show?
Tim: All right, let's introduce our guest star tonight - the Binford XJB bench grinder.
Al: Three-quarter horsepower motor.
Tim: And it spins at a manly 3400 RPM. [grunts] Oh! Now, you'll notice Al's wearing safety goggles. They not only protect his eyes, but they give Al that intellectual look. If we can bring the camera over here, I'll show you what Al's doing. He keeps the ax blade against the wheel... at a 45° angle. That helps retain the original bevel. And I don't know about you, but I revel in Al's bevel.
Al: There you are, Tim. Sharp as new.
Tim: All right, there's ways to see if they're sharp. The first way... [sharp grinding noise] Warn me when you do that stuff, Al. OK... There we go. [comic plucking sound] Sharp as new. Gettin' a little rough on that beard. You want me to trim it up for you?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Come on, trust me, Al.
Al: Based on what?

Tim: You know, I expected that response out of you. That's why the guys at Binford and I came up with a special project. Heidi, how about that special project? This is test dummy Al.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: Every last detail is the same as Al, except he's a bit more animated. [laughs] Oh, that's beard's a little rough. You want me to shave it for you? Sure. All right, there you go. OK. Of course I think I do all the work around here. Thanks for saying so. I'm your idol? Oh, come on, buddy... Ooh! Uh-oh. Cut a little deep. [the test dummy's head falls back] Oh, whoa! Al, Al, buddy. Can you do that, Al?

Jill: Mark, come on down and have some cake with me.
Mark: I don't want any cake.
Jill: Don't tell me you've given up eating cake, too? It's angel food... made with real angels. Luckily they're in season.
Mark: I don't want any cake.
Jill: Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong?
Mark: Nothing's wrong. And don't call me "sweetie."
Jill: I always call you "sweetie."
Mark: That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Jill: Who told you that?
Mark: Brad and Randy.
Jill: Well, they're grounded for a week.

Jill: Honey, you know better than to listen to them. They're always trying to torment you.
Mark: You mean, you didn't want me to be a girl?
Jill: Well... Well, maybe a part of me did.
Mark: Oh.
Jill: But that doesn't mean I wasn't thrilled to have you. The minute I laid eyes on you, I just fell in love. All that matted hair, little squished face, wrinkled little body. You looked just like your father.
Mark: But you really wanted a girl.
Jill: Mark, do you remember your fifth birthday?
Mark: Yeah. Brad and Randy made me eat the candles on my cake.
Jill: So they're grounded for another week. Remember you wanted a dog, and we thought that you weren't old enough to take care of one, and so we got you a turtle. And even though you wanted the dog, you really loved that turtle, didn't you?
Mark: Mm-hmm. Till he got squished by the truck.
Jill: I'm sure he didn't feel a thing. Anyway, the point is, you wouldn't have traded that turtle for the world, and I would not trade you for the world.
Mark: You wouldn't?
Jill: No way. I've had a dozen offers, at least, just today.
Mark: Would you trade Brad or Randy?
Jill: Like that.

Tim: Wait, wait. Excuse me. What did you get so out of joint this morning for?
Jill: I was mad. You made up your mind we weren't gonna have any kids, and you didn't care what I felt about it.
Tim: Well, you came out of nowhere with this. Having a baby's a big deal. It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system - - which we should talk about.
Jill: Tim...
Tim: Let me get this straight. You don't want to have a new kid?
Jill: I don't want you to rule out the possibility.
Tim: Well... how do you feel about a sprinkler system?