Tim: Mark, what are you doin' up?
Mark: I was looking for Mom. Is she home from her date yet?
Tim: She's not on a date! I'm sorry. You got a problem with your homework or something?
Mark: [chuckles] Good night, Dad.

Tim: Wilson, what are you doin' up?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd come out and squeeze my apples.
Tim: It's none of my business, but shouldn't you be doin' that in private?
Wilson: No. No, no, no, no, no. Tim, I'm squeezing my apples to see if they're ready to make cider.
Tim: Oh!
Wilson: Firm finger indentations on the surface of the fruit tells me that the apple is ripe. Ah! You can tell just by touching.
Tim: Speaking of touching... do you think it's possible for a man and woman to be friends without it turning physical?
Wilson: I most certainly do.
Tim: Gotta respect your opinion. Even though you are outside squeezing your own apples.

Tim: Hi, everybody!
Jill: This is my husband, Tim.
Tim: Oh, I already know Chris.
Chris: Nice to see you again, Tim.
Jill: And this is Sharon, Jane and Carol.
Tim: Nice to meet you. "You" is a pronoun, you know.

Jill: Oh! Excuse me, sorry. Uh, Tim, I just don't think this is a very good idea.
Sharon: Well, I just think it's wonderful that you have a husband who shares your interests.
Jane: You wouldn't catch my husband at book club. You're lucky, Jill.
Tim: To synopsize what the women are saying - they'd like me part of this group.
Jane: Oh, that's a great idea!
Tim: OK, good. OK, why don't I just sit right in here? [sits between Jill and Chris] Whoa! Still warm!

Tim: This is between you and Chris.
Jill: Wait a second. You think that Chris is my soul mate?
Tim: Yes, I do. He can talk about stuff I don't know about. He's taking your mind and leaving me with your body.
Jill: Back the soul train up, here. You're more interested in my mind than my body.
Tim: Hey, no one's more surprised than me.
Jill: After all these years, why would you think anybody else could be my soul mate?
Tim: I don't know. I was out talking to Wilson. We were talking about what women really want. And then all I could do was picture myself sitting alone in my yard squeezing my apples.

Jill: Tim, Chris and I may have some common interests, but it can't compare to what I have with you.
Tim: It can't?
Jill: I share my life with you. I share my love with you. All we have to do is look at one another and we know exactly what the other person is thinking.
Tim: That's true.
Jill: If that's not a soul mate I don't know what is.
Tim: So what am I thinking right now?
Jill: That you read Madame Bovary for nothing.
Tim: Painful day. [Jill laughs] You are my soul mate.

Randy: Come on, dad, we only want to sit in for a couple of hands.
Tim: No. I don't want you guys exposed to what goes on on a man's poker night.
Brad: In other words, you don't want us to see you lose.
Tim: I don't always lose, you know!
Brad: When was the last time you won?
Randy: Four years ago when he had that gadget lady on.

Harry: How'd you get Jill to let us play poker here tonight?
Tim: She has her book discussion group.
Al: Book discussion group? Sounds interesting. What are they discussing?
Tim: My guess would be... books.
Al: I just thought maybe you took an interest in something that was important to your wife.
Tim: Why?
Harry: Yeah. Who cares?
Al: It's a wonder you guys have long-term relationships with women.
Tim: No, it's a wonder we have a long-term relationship with you.

Tim: That guy is a guy.
Jill: You know, now that I look at him, I think you're right. I'll see you later.
Tim: You never told me Chris was a guy.
Jill: Yes, I did. We talked about this the other day at the hardware store.
Tim: You were with me at the hardware store?

Benny: Tim, I gotta hand it to you. You're the only guy I know that lets his wife date.
Tim: She's not going on date, all right?
Harry: I wish my wife would date.
Marty: Call me "old-fashioned," but I'd never let my wife go out on a date.
Tim: She's not going out on a date, all right?