Tim: Guess that reverse shrinking ray doesn't work on everybody. So on your way out tonight, if you step on something flannel and squishy and real little, it could be Al.
Al: Tim! Do something!

Tim: Hey, Benny. Good to see you.
Benny: Timmy.
Tim: Did you ever get that metal sliver out of your eye?
Benny: Yeah, I took your advice, Tim. I used a magnet.

Harry: What else can I get for you, Tim? Some nuts? Some bolts?
Tim: No, I don't think so. I came in looking for needle-nose pliers. Mine are missing.
Felix: That's funny. This morning I couldn't find my pipe wrench.
Benny: If this keeps up, I'm organizing a neighborhood tool watch.

Tim: Drop-forged chrome steel, cushioned grip. These any good, Harry?
Harry: Oh, yeah. And I got a special on 'em - buy a dozen, get one free.
Tim: Who needs a dozen of these, you know? But I can't pass up a freebie like that.
Harry: I love this guy.

Harry: You know, Benny's right. I eat this stuff all the time, and I'm as fit as when I was in the service.
Tim: I heard the only service you got into was the postal service.
Benny: I heard you had a rough battle with a poodle on your route.
Harry: OK. I happen to have been in the Marines. You guys know that. And we used to do push-ups on our fists. Hey, check this out. Count how many I can do in a minute. Ready? [Harry does push-ups]
Tim: One, two, three, four, five...
Felix: That all you can do? Five?
Tim: Why you breathing so hard? You act like you're having a heart attack.
Harry: I think I might be. [Tim and Benny spit out the beef jerky]
Felix: Take it easy.

Tim: Hi, honey.
Jill: Oh. Look what I got for you - the thickest slab o' beef in all Detroit and your seasoning.
Tim: We gotta cancel the steak, cancel the seasoning, and, as much as I don't wanna say it, cancel our shellac party in the garage.
Jill: What are you talking about?
Tim: Harry had a heart attack.
Jill: Harry the hardware store guy?
Tim: He's OK, though. He's all right. It was a minor heart attack. It was like a wake-up call for me. I could've been the guy on the floor getting mouth-to-mouth by a 250-pound plumber.

Tim: I'm not laughing at this. Tomorrow, I'm calling every doctor I know. Cardiologists, radiologists, anesthesiologists, orthopedic surgeons...
Jill: Tim, will you stop acting like your whole life is gonna come to an end.
Tim: End, end, end. Good. Proctologist.

Brad: What's that smell?
Jill: It's your father's birthday dinner, thank you very much.
Randy: It usually doesn't smell that bad till an hour after he eats.

Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Howdy, neighbor. Working on a flush?
Tim: What?
Wilson: I see you're holding a pair of spades. [laughs] Oh, I kill myself.

Tim: Jill. Did you know that Wilson had a heart attack 15 years ago?
Jill: He did? Oh, no. You're not gonna get all crazy about that now, are you?
Tim: No. He's OK with it and so am I. Apparently, he listened to an old Rotary named Sonoco. He said, "Life isn't really worth living if you have to pay for electricity while you're in Rome."