Jill: Three weeks? Don't you think that's a little extreme?
Tim: Well, what would you have done?
Jill: I would have given him a warning.
Tim: You give me warnings all the time. Does it ever do any good?
Jill: No. But I still have hope for the children.

Dennis: Whoever did your last wiring job really didn't know what he was doing.
Tim: Well, that guy's not allowed to work around here anymore.
Dennis: It's too bad. Now all I gotta do is run the fish tape upstairs, hook it to the new line and yank it through.
Tim: Right. I can give you a hand if you want.
Dennis: I thought you said "that guy" wasn't allowed to work here anymore.

Randy: This is ridiculous. Dennis has been gone for three hours.
Brad: And Mom won't get off the phone. [sighs] Angela's probably married by now.
Mark: By the time I get to use the phone, all my friends'll be in a retirement home.
Tim: [pretending to cry]
Randy: Mark, quit exaggerating. You don't have any friends.

Dennis: Hey, guys. Hey, Dad. Sorry I'm late. Whoa! What happened?
Tim: That guy showed up.

Brad: [over intercom] Dad?
Tim: What?
Brad: What should I do?
Tim: Take up the lost art of letter-writing.

Tim: This isn't just about the phone, you know. You heard him come down with that attitude. I had to say something.
Jill: Well, as the kids get older, the problems and the attitudes are just gonna get bigger. You have to pick your battles and be more sensitive.
Tim: [sighs] You know, you probably are right, you know? Gosh, you are right. Next time one of the boys smarts off to me, I'm gonna take him out for a nice little cup of tea. And while they're buttering their scones, I'll ask what punishment they would prefer.

Wilson: Actually, the I Ching is the ancient book of Chinese wisdom. You ask a question about your life. And then you toss these coins. And you try to divine the answer from the book.
Tim: I've got a question for those coins.
Wilson: Mmm. Shoot.
Tim: You think I'm too tough on my kids?
Wilson: Might I inquire what brings that issue to the fence?
Tim: In a word? Jill. She says I should be more sensitive about how I discipline my kids.
Wilson: Well, it's true the way you talk to your children now can have a profound effect on your future relationship.

Tim: I say some tough things to them, but certainly not as tough as Harry says to his kid.
Wilson: Oh! Dennis tells me that Harry has quite a lexicon.
Tim: Lexicon? No, he drives a Buick.

Wilson: You know, Tim, I ran into Dennis at the coffee shop today. And he was so angry at Harry, he told him that he was leaving town.
Tim: What? Just because of what Harry said to him?
Wilson: Well, I guess so. You know, as Longfellow says, "A torn jacket is soon mended. But hard words can bruise the heart of a child."
Tim: You think I should have a talk with Harry?
Wilson: Well, let's see what the I Ching says. [sighs] [coins clattering] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yes. It says "The situation is a microcosm juxtaposed against, and created by, the macrocosm of the universe." [Wilson sniffs] And there, my neighbor, you have your answer.
Tim: Yup. Though I've forgotten the question.

Tim: I want to talk to you about Dennis.
Harry: Look, nothing you can say could possibly change my mind.
Tim: Well, how about some words of wisdom from Longfellow during his itching period? He said don't "jucapose" anything in a "macroscope" in this universe.
Harry: Are you drunk?