Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: My, my, my. That's an awfully big water pistol.
Tim: Trying to get rid of that woodpecker up there on the roof.
Wilson: Why don't you try an owl? The owl is the natural enemy of the woodpecker.
Tim: That's just what I need up there - an owl. Then it wouldn't be "tap-tap-tap," it'd be "tap-tap-tap, whoo-whoo-whoo, tap-tap-tap, whoo-whoo-whoo, tap-tap-tap, whoo-whoo-whoo."
Wilson: Well, it worked for Motown. Actually, you don't need a real owl. A wooden owl will do the trick.
Tim: I'll try it. I tried everything else.

Al: For the filigree work around the edges, I used the Binford scroll saw.
Tim: Nice job, Al.
Al: Thank you, Tim. You can also see how nicely it displays my mother's teacup collection.
Tim: And, as a little surprise for you, Al, here's part of your mother's D-cup collection. [holds up a large bra]

Al: Next, we're going to be demonstrating how to lay a new floor, but first, we need to calculate just how much hardwood we'll be needing.
Tim: Right. And for that, we'll be using mathematics. The language of the universe. And that's according to Ernest and Julio Galileo. I bet you didn't know that, did you, Al?
Al: I don't think anyone did, Tim.
Tim: That's right.

Tim: Our project floor here is about eight feet by four feet. To get the square footage, you want to multiply those two numbers. And, since I walk the mathematical walk and talk the mathematical talk, I know that's 32 square feet.
Al: Actually, Tim, the exact measurements are eight and a half by four and a third.
Tim: What are you gettin' at, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, since you walk the mathematical walk, you need to multiply those two numbers, o human abacus.
Tim: Well, I'd love to, my stout little assistant, but we're outta time. So we'll just have to round it off to 32 square...
Al: 36 and four fifths.
Tim: Whatever, Al.

Jill: What are you doing to Mark's toy helicopter?
Tim: Mark, what have we added?
Mark: More power.
Tim: [grunts] Now it's a heat-seekin', beak-tweakin', shark-faced pecker wrecker. [grunts]
Jill: What about the wooden owl you put up there to scare it away? [Mark turns the badly-pecked owl around] That little woodpecker did that?
Tim: That little woodpecker, as you call it, has a pretty bad attitude.

Tim: How'd he learn how to do compound fractions?
Jill: It was easy. I taught him.
Tim: And who taught you?
Jill: Seventh-grade math - I just taught myself.
Brad: And, Mom, I forgot. I was talking to Jennifer today.
Tim: Jennifer? Keep up, Tim. They got back together.
Jill: What'd she want?
Brad: Well, she said if you need any more help with compound fractions, call her tonight.
Jill: He means, you know, if she needs help. 'Cause after I mastered it, I called her just to check, to see if it was all right, so she started askin'... [Tim mimes shoveling...] me some questions...
Tim: You're pathetic. You know that?

Jill: What? What do you want now?
Tim: Can't you hear those annoying sounds?
Jill: I told you not to eat that bean dip.
Tim: It's that stupid woodpecker again.

Jill: Hey! Hey! Hey! No. Come on. You're not gonna use that slingshot on that poor little woodpecker.
Tim: I was just gonna use a little pebble, hit him in the head and take away some of his short-term memory.

Randy: Why are you sticking that in Mom's coffee?
Brad: I need to get a high temperature fast. I didn't do my math homework.
Randy: So just copy Jennifer's.
Brad: I can't. I broke up with her.
Randy: You broke up with Jennifer? Why?
Brad: She said I couldn't copy her homework anymore.
Randy: Well, for 20 bucks I'll do your math, and you don't have to date me.

Brad: Hey, Randy. I'm in big trouble.
Randy: What's the matter?
Brad: Well, I flunked another math assignment. Mom and Dad are gonna kill me.
Randy: Maybe not. Mom thought you were upset this morning because Jennifer dumped you.
Brad: But I'm the one who dumped her.
Randy: Yeah, well, Mom doesn't know that. You can milk this thing. Make her think you're having trouble in math because you're really lovesick.
Brad: Hey, that's a great idea.