Jill: You don't feel hot to me. But here, I'll take your temperature.
Tim: What's the matter with Brad?
Randy: Well, he's dumb and he's got a dorky haircut.
Tim: Paging Dr. Shot. Dr. Rim Shot.

Mark: Mom, can I have some bread to feed my woodpecker?
Tim: Don't feed the woodpecker. No. Don't do that.
Mark: But Pete looks hungry.
Tim: His name's not Pete. He doesn't have a name. It's a woodpecker. It's a pest. He's gone. He's outta here. Goodbye, Charlie.
Mark: You mean I could call him Charlie?
Tim: No!
Jill: Don't hurt Pete!
Mark: It's Charlie.
Tim: It's nobody!

Randy: Here comes Mom.
[Brad takes the thermometer out of Jill's coffee and puts it in his mouth]
Brad: Aaargh!
Jill: What's wrong?
Brad: My tongue hurts.
Jill: Oh, God, I hope you don't have strep throat. I have to go to work today. [Brad runs his tongue under the tap] 108. I don't know whether to put you to bed or baste you. What's goin' on at school?
Brad: Nothing. I love school.
Jill: Well, that's good. Then you won't mind going. Get going. Get ready.
Brad: Oh, man!

Tim: Woodpecker's not building a nest out there. There's twigs everywhere. He's building a city. Skyscrapers, subways, minimarts. It's Peckerville out there, honey.

Jill: Come on. They can hear that all over the neighborhood.
Tim: I can't take this. That bird's mocking me, sittin' up there smilin'.
Jill: He's got a beak. He can't smile.
Tim: Your mom's got a beak. She smiles now and then.

Tim: Hey, guys. I got a way to get rid of the woodpecker. I got the old Binford Blastmaster out, right? I'm gonna run 2000 pulsating decibels through that horn. [puts on ear protectors]
Randy: That's a great idea.
Tim: Huh?
Randy: You look like a big geek.
Tim: All right. [gives Randy a thumbs up]

Brad: This isn't a good time.
Jennifer: This won't take long. Here's your math book. Good luck finding someone else to do your homework.
Brad: Wait. Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. Wait. [loudly] I'm really sad we're not going out anymore.
Jennifer: Then why did you say you'd only go out with me if I let you copy my homework? Goodbye, Bradley. [exits]
Jill: Bradley Michael Taylor. Is that true? Have you been copying her homework?
Brad: Mom, could we not talk about this now? I'm very sad.
Jill: Oh, shut up!

Brad: Well, it's hard. I can't do it. I'm just stupid.
Jill: The only stupid thing you did was try to cheat.
Randy: Getting caught wasn't too bright either.

Jill: Here we go. Here we go. "Multiply the denominator and the whole number, then add the product to the numerator. The sum will be the new numerator. Repeat the process with the second compound fraction, then multiply the numerators and the denominators. Convert the product to a compound fraction."
Tim: Go ahead, Brad.
Brad: Go ahead and what?
Jill: Well, you should go ahead... OK, we're gonna help you with this for the first time. All right? So, Tim, you do that.
Tim: Why not? All right, everybody. Let's... do this first problem. "Multiply three and five eighths, times six and three nineteenths." What?!

Jill: Well, it said... it said, uh... "Multiply the denominator." And the denominator was... what, again?
Brad: The bottom number.
Jill: The bottom number.
Tim: The bottom number, yeah. [peeks at Brad's work] Why don't they just call it "the bottom number"? "The denominator" sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie, doesn't it? [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction.