TV Quotes

Rachel: And everybody knows this?
Joey: Oh, yeah, cushions the blow.
Chandler: It's like your parents put the dog to sleep and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
Ross: That's funny. No, because our parents actually did send our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica: Uh, Ross?
Ross: Ha, ha. Hello! The Milner's farm in Connecticut? The Milners, they had this unbelievable farm. They had horses and rabbits that he could chase. And it was... Oh, my God. Chi-chi.

Joey: You okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, it's not even worth- It's my bank.
Monica: What did they do to you?
Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay, I'm going through my mail and I open their monthly "statement".
Ross: Easy!
Phoebe: And there's $500 extra in my account.
Chandler: Urgh, Satan's minions at work again!

Chandler: Give it to me.
Joey: I'm not giving you a cigarette.
Chandler: It's fine. Do you want to get this part or not? Here. Now, don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that has been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey: Do you miss it?
Chandler: No, not so much. All right. Now we smoke. Oh, my God!

Phoebe: Hi, guys.
Joey: Hey, Phoebe.
Ross: How did it go?
Phoebe: Not so good. He walked to the subway and said, "We should do it again."
Rachel: What? He said, "We should do it again." That's good, right?
Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated, "We should do it again." means, "You will never see me naked."
Rachel: Since when?
Joey: Since always. It's, like, dating language. Like, "It's not you" means, "It is you."
Chandler: Or how "You're such a nice guy" means, "I'll be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you."
Phoebe: Or, or, you know, "We should see other people" means: "Ha-ha, I already am!"

Phoebe: Yes, because now I have to go down there and deal with them .
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine. I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it'd be like stealing.
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping.

Phoebe: Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? "Not mine. Not mine. Not mine." Even if I was happy and skipping, I'd hear: "Not-not mine. Not-not mine. "

Ross: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: "Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited you $500. We're sorry for the inconvenience and hope you'll accept this football phone as our gift." Do you believe it? Now I have $ 1000 and a football phone.
Rachel: What bank is this?

Joey: You know what I liked? How his smile was a little crooked.
Phoebe: Yes! Like the man in the shoe!
Ross: What shoe?
Phoebe: You know, from the rhyme. There was a crooked man, With a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a while.

Ross: Hey, Phoebe, do you want the rest of that Pop-Tart?
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross: Hey, I might.
Phoebe: I'm sorry. You know, those stupid soda people gave me $7000 for the thumb.
Chandler: Are you kidding?
Ross: Oh my God.
Rachel: Seven thousand dollars?
Phoebe: And on my way over here I stepped in gum. What is up with the universe?

Ross: A thumb?
Phoebe: I know. I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitchhiker.
Chandler: Maybe it's a contest. You know, like "collect all five."

Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, gross!
Ross: What is this?
Chandler: I'm smoking!
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good for three years!
Chandler: And this is my reward.

Ross: So I think Alan is the yardstick by which future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel: Future boyfriends? I think this could be "it."
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him for his David Hasselhoff impression alone.

Chandler: This is so unfair.
Ross: Why is it unfair?
Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? Ross, with his over-pronouncing every word. And Monica, with that snort when she laughs.
I mean, what the hell is that thing? I accept all those flaws. Why can't you accept me for this?

Joey: Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody, or just him?
Rachel: Well, I could live without it.
Joey: Huh. Well, is it a little annoying? Or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Ross: Now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right? I think it's endearing.
Joey: Oh, [emphasizing every word] you do, do you?
[Monica snorts]
Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel: [emphasizing every word] Indeed there isn't. I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Oh. The hair comes out and the gloves come off.
[As the group bicker, Chandler enjoys his cigarette]

Joey: Don't you respect for your body?
Ross: Don't you realize what you're doing to yourself?
Chandler: Hey, you know, I've had it with you guys and your cancer, your emphysema, and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

Monica: Hey, where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

Ross: [replaces Chandler's nicotine patch] There you go.
Chandler: Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

Chandler: That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
Ross: No!
Chandler: I don't care! I don't care. Game's over. I'm weak. I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke.
Phoebe: If you never smoke again, I'll give you $7000.
Chandler: Yeah, all right.

Monica: No, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
Joey: That's ridiculous.
Ross: Can I use either thumb?

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Don't tell me. Decaf cappuccino for Joey. [to Ross] Coffee, black. [to Chandler] Latte. [to Monica] And an iced tea. 'm getting pretty good at this.
Ross: Excellent!
Rachel: Good for me!
[The gang all swap their drinks]

Ross: Hold on a second. Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit.

Monica: All right, I'm gonna go change. I've got a date.
Rachel: Is this Alan again? How's it going?
Monica: It's going pretty good, you know. It's nice and we're having fun.
Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Let's see, today's Monday. Never.

Joey: Let it go, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi-Chi.

Ross: You now what I like most about him, though?
Phoebe: What?
Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Lamb Chop! How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years, it'd be talking too.

Monica: Can I ask a question? Do you think Alan is sometimes-
Ross: What?
Monica: I don't know. A little too "Alan"?
Rachel: Oh, no. That's impossible. You can never be too "Alan."
Ross: Yeah, it's his innate "Alan-ness" that we adore.
Chandler: I, personally, could have a gallon of Alan.

Monica: How was the game?
Ross: Well-
Rachel: We won!
Monica: That's fantastic! I have one question, how is that possible?
Joey: Alan.
Ross: He was unbelievable! He was like that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs was playing every position. But instead of Bugs, it was first base, Alan. Second base, Alan.
Rachel: I mean, it was like he made us into a team.
Chandler: Yeah, we sure showed those Hasidic jewelers a thing or two about softball.

Monica: Not after what happened with Steve.
Chandler: What do you mean? We love [lisping] Steve. Steve was sexy!

Monica: There's really no easy way to say this. I've decided to break up with Alan.
Ross: Is there somebody else?
Monica: No, no, no, no, no. It's just, you know, things change. People change.
Rachel: We didn't change.
Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
Phoebe: You know, you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and, [starts chewing her hair]
Monica: Look, I can go on pretending-
Joey: Okay!
Monica: No. No, that wouldn't be fair to me. It wouldn't be fair to Alan. It wouldn't be fair to you.
Ross: Yeah, well, who wants fair? I just want things back, you know, the way they were.
Monica: I'm sorry.
Chandler: Oh, she's sorry. I feel better.
Rachel: I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up, I wanted him to meet my family.
Monica: I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans.
Group: Yeah, right!
Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?
Ross: Hey, hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.

Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats? That was fun.
Ross: Yeah. He could row like a Viking.