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‘The One Where Rachel Smokes’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Rachel Smokes

518. The One Where Rachel Smokes

Aired April 8, 1999

Rachel feels her boss and co-worker are making important decisions without her when they go outside for a smoke. Meanwhile, Joey auditions for a soup commercial along side Ross's son, Ben, and Phoebe is upset that Monica is taking charge of everything when they throw a birthday party for Rachel.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Pick a card. All right. Now, memorize it. You got it?
Chandler: Oh, yes.
Joey: Is that your card?
Chandler: [still holding his card] Yes.

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Quote from Joey

Joey: Man, I've been in that park a million times and no one's offered me an audition.
Ross: I know, it's crazy. We were just pushing Ben on the swings-
Joey: I'm always on the swings. What am I doing wrong?
Chandler: That.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Joey: Whoa. But her birthday's not for, like, another month.
Phoebe: Yeah, but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Wouldn't it be great if I got to play Ben's dad?
Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
Joey: I look more like him than you do. [winks at Carol]
Carol: You know, I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.

Quote from Rachel

Kim: Rachel, you smoke?
Rachel: No. My dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories ... about ghosts and goblins, who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
Monica: Wait a minute. I didn't take care of everything. There's plenty of things for you to do.
Phoebe: Like what?
Monica: Cups.
Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?
Monica: And ice.
Phoebe: Cups and ice? Oh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? All right. Fine. I will be in charge of cups and ice.
Monica: Wait a minute. I can get ice at the restaurant-
Phoebe: I got it! Mine!

Quote from Ross

Monica: Hey, how did the audition go?
Ross: [glumly] Not so good.
Monica: Wait a minute. Are you doing Joey's: "The audition didn't go so well. Yeah, it did"?
Ross: Yeah, I am!

Quote from Joey

Joey: [glumly] I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.
Monica: You got a callback too, didn't you?
Joey: Yeah, I did!

Quote from Rachel

Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.
Rachel: You know, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes. You know what I mean? Like, doobies? Actually, I thought to myself, "Those guys are crazy!" But no, I smoke the regular ones all the time.
Kim: We get high.
Rachel: Me too.
Kim: I'm kidding.
Rachel: Oh. Me too.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Seriously, that's a lot of cups.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, that's because I'm in charge of cups and ice. And Monica is gonna rue the day she put me in charge of cups and ice.
Chandler: You know, I rued the day once. Didn't get a whole lot else done.

Quote from Joey

Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Joey: Well, this is noodle soup. And I've been working with tomato. Mm, noodle soup.
Casting Director: Um, that's fine. But the line is "Mm, soup."
Joey: Oh. What'd I say?
Casting Director: Mm, noodle soup.
Joey: How's that different?

Quote from Joey

Casting Director: All right. Let's try one.
Joey: Mm, noodle soup.
Casting Director: Let's do it again.
Joey: Mm, soup. I mean, noodle soup. I mean, soup.
Raymond: Come on!

Quote from Joey

Casting Director: You know what? We need to move on.
Joey: No, I could do it one more time. Look. Mm, noodle soup. Damn it!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What? My birthday is not for another month.
Monica: That's the surprise.
Rachel: Oh, my God, you guys. This is so great. It's so unexpected. I mean, Chandler's birthday is even before mine.
Group: Surprise!

Quote from Joey

Joey: It's not your fault I suck. I mean, what kind of an actor can't even say, "Mm, noodle soup"?

Quote from Joey

Ross: You know what? Maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck. Maybe you messed up because you care more about your godson.
Joey: What do you mean?
Ross: I think, subconsciously-
Joey: Whoa, whoa. You lost me.
Ross: I think, on some level, you sabotaged your own audition so Ben would get the part.
Joey: Well, your way sounds a lot better than mine. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that I'm a bad actor.
Ross: No.
Joey: It's just that I care so damn much about little Ben that it was more important for me to see him succeed.
Ross: There you go. Thank you.
Joey: Thank you. So did he get it?
Ross: No.
Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Ross, if Ben gets the commercial, do you think you can get me some free soup?
Ross: Chandler, a can of soup is like 60 cents.
Chandler: Yeah, okay, but I have been supporting a 29-year-old Italian for five years.


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