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‘The One Where Rachel Smokes’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Friends: The One Where Rachel Smokes

518. The One Where Rachel Smokes

Aired April 8, 1999

Rachel feels her boss and co-worker are making important decisions without her when they go outside for a smoke. Meanwhile, Joey auditions for a soup commercial along side Ross's son, Ben, and Phoebe is upset that Monica is taking charge of everything when they throw a birthday party for Rachel.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Pick a card. All right. Now, memorize it. You got it?
Chandler: Oh, yes.
Joey: Is that your card?
Chandler: [still holding his card] Yes.

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Quote from Joey

Joey: Man, I've been in that park a million times and no one's offered me an audition.
Ross: I know, it's crazy. We were just pushing Ben on the swings-
Joey: I'm always on the swings. What am I doing wrong?
Chandler: That.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Joey: Whoa. But her birthday's not for, like, another month.
Phoebe: Yeah, but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Wouldn't it be great if I got to play Ben's dad?
Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
Joey: I look more like him than you do. [winks at Carol]
Carol: You know, I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.

Quote from Rachel

Kim: Rachel, you smoke?
Rachel: No. My dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories ... about ghosts and goblins, who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
Monica: Wait a minute. I didn't take care of everything. There's plenty of things for you to do.
Phoebe: Like what?
Monica: Cups.
Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?
Monica: And ice.
Phoebe: Cups and ice? Oh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? All right. Fine. I will be in charge of cups and ice.
Monica: Wait a minute. I can get ice at the restaurant-
Phoebe: I got it! Mine!

Quote from Ross

Monica: Hey, how did the audition go?
Ross: [glumly] Not so good.
Monica: Wait a minute. Are you doing Joey's: "The audition didn't go so well. Yeah, it did"?
Ross: Yeah, I am!

Quote from Joey

Joey: [glumly] I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.
Monica: You got a callback too, didn't you?
Joey: Yeah, I did!

Quote from Rachel

Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.
Rachel: You know, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes. You know what I mean? Like, doobies? Actually, I thought to myself, "Those guys are crazy!" But no, I smoke the regular ones all the time.
Kim: We get high.
Rachel: Me too.
Kim: I'm kidding.
Rachel: Oh. Me too.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Seriously, that's a lot of cups.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, that's because I'm in charge of cups and ice. And Monica is gonna rue the day she put me in charge of cups and ice.
Chandler: You know, I rued the day once. Didn't get a whole lot else done.

Quote from Joey

Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Joey: Well, this is noodle soup. And I've been working with tomato. Mm, noodle soup.
Casting Director: Um, that's fine. But the line is "Mm, soup."
Joey: Oh. What'd I say?
Casting Director: Mm, noodle soup.
Joey: How's that different?

Quote from Joey

Casting Director: All right. Let's try one.
Joey: Mm, noodle soup.
Casting Director: Let's do it again.
Joey: Mm, soup. I mean, noodle soup. I mean, soup.
Raymond: Come on!

Quote from Joey

Casting Director: You know what? We need to move on.
Joey: No, I could do it one more time. Look. Mm, noodle soup. Damn it!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What? My birthday is not for another month.
Monica: That's the surprise.
Rachel: Oh, my God, you guys. This is so great. It's so unexpected. I mean, Chandler's birthday is even before mine.
Group: Surprise!

Quote from Joey

Joey: It's not your fault I suck. I mean, what kind of an actor can't even say, "Mm, noodle soup"?

Quote from Joey

Ross: You know what? Maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck. Maybe you messed up because you care more about your godson.
Joey: What do you mean?
Ross: I think, subconsciously-
Joey: Whoa, whoa. You lost me.
Ross: I think, on some level, you sabotaged your own audition so Ben would get the part.
Joey: Well, your way sounds a lot better than mine. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that I'm a bad actor.
Ross: No.
Joey: It's just that I care so damn much about little Ben that it was more important for me to see him succeed.
Ross: There you go. Thank you.
Joey: Thank you. So did he get it?
Ross: No.
Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Ross, if Ben gets the commercial, do you think you can get me some free soup?
Ross: Chandler, a can of soup is like 60 cents.
Chandler: Yeah, okay, but I have been supporting a 29-year-old Italian for five years.

Quote from Joey

Carol: Hey, guys.
Chandler: Hi there.
Carol: Guess what. Ben is gonna be in a TV commercial.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Ross: Well, it's not for sure, but we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute. You know, which he is. Anyhoo, he gave us his card and told us to bring him for this commercial he's auditioning.
Joey: Whoa. This guy's like the biggest commercial casting director in town. Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition? I mean, way to go, Ben!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Rach, now that you work at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?
Rachel: Well, you know what, I don't know if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day.
Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work. Interesting.

Quote from Joey

Monica: I think it's a great idea. We can have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.
Joey: [shouting] Ross! We're having a surprise party for Rachel.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: Done.

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