‘The One Where Rachel Smokes’
Season 5, Episode 18 - Aired April 8, 1999
Rachel feels her boss and co-worker are making important decisions without her when they go outside for a smoke. Meanwhile, Joey auditions for a soup commercial along side Ross's son, Ben, and Phoebe is upset that Monica is taking charge of everything when they throw a birthday party for Rachel.
Quote from Joey
Joey: Pick a card. All right. Now, memorize it. You got it?
Chandler: Oh, yes.
Joey: Is that your card?
Chandler: [still holding his card] Yes.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Joey: Whoa. But her birthday's not for, like, another month.
Phoebe: Yeah, but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.
Quote from Joey
Joey: Wouldn't it be great if I got to play Ben's dad?
Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
Joey: I look more like him than you do. [winks at Carol]
Carol: You know, I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.
Quote from Rachel
Kim: Rachel, you smoke?
Rachel: No. My dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories ... about ghosts and goblins, who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
Monica: Wait a minute. I didn't take care of everything. There's plenty of things for you to do.
Phoebe: Like what?
Monica: Cups.
Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?
Monica: And ice.
Phoebe: Cups and ice? Oh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? All right. Fine. I will be in charge of cups and ice.
Monica: Wait a minute. I can get ice at the restaurant-
Phoebe: I got it! Mine!
Quote from Ross
Monica: Hey, how did the audition go?
Ross: [glumly] Not so good.
Monica: Wait a minute. Are you doing Joey's: "The audition didn't go so well. Yeah, it did"?
Ross: Yeah, I am!
Quote from Joey
Joey: [glumly] I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.
Monica: You got a callback too, didn't you?
Joey: Yeah, I did!
Quote from Rachel
Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.
Rachel: You know, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes. You know what I mean? Like, doobies? Actually, I thought to myself, "Those guys are crazy!" But no, I smoke the regular ones all the time.
Kim: We get high.
Rachel: Me too.
Kim: I'm kidding.
Rachel: Oh. Me too.
Quote from Chandler
Ross: Seriously, that's a lot of cups.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, that's because I'm in charge of cups and ice. And Monica is gonna rue the day she put me in charge of cups and ice.
Chandler: You know, I rued the day once. Didn't get a whole lot else done.
Quote from Joey
Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Joey: Well, this is noodle soup. And I've been working with tomato. Mm, noodle soup.
Casting Director: Um, that's fine. But the line is "Mm, soup."
Joey: Oh. What'd I say?
Casting Director: Mm, noodle soup.
Joey: How's that different?